The Jerk- Part 3

Hello Alicia! I don't think I would call you "about average" darling! I know I am over 31 but hey... how's a man to resist? How are you and how is your week going? By the time ya get this, the status shall be TGIF!!!

Have not logged on in a few days and I came across your profile... had to at least say hi before I venture off to the couch and wind down! I'm in your area often, which may explain why ya look so familiar?!

Care to meet up next week?

Juan Carlos

Well that was nice, but Juan Carlos is 14 years older than me so I don't think so.  Anyway, he'll understand.  After all, the first line in his message acknowledges the fact that he knows he's too old for me.  I sent Juan Carlos a polite, "No thanks." I'm sure he wasn't surprised... or not.

"Sorry but I prefer tall fit classy women! Good luck!" he writes.

Seriously, I am sick of this shit. These guys and their fragile egos. It's really pathetic. I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to accept that not everyone is going to like you.  That's life! It's why we're paying for this service!  Sure, it sucks when you get excited about someone and they don't share the same enthusiasm, but you shrug your shoulders and move on to the next page of matches.  Do you really have to be a jackass about it and talk shit about someone?  You are a grown man for crying out loud.  Get it together.  Girls hear this all the time, "You're going to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince."  Did men not get the same memo?  Am I the only one who knows that rejection is a part of dating?  What makes me angry isn't what they say, but the fact that they think it's okay to say anything mean just because you know it wouldn't work out.  I'm here for me, for number 1, to meet who I want with the qualities I need.  I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself or go on pity dates just so you won't send me a grumpy response.

I'm sick of these vindictive guys. Juan Carlos, you've made me angry... You won't like me when I'm angry. It's time to fight fire with fire. The gloves are off. An evil smile emerges as I begin to type Juan Carlos a lovely little reply.

"Good luck to you as well!" I start, "I'm pretty sure assholes don't have much success on this site. And normally tall girls like tall men. Perhaps if you wear heels?" Jerk.

What Just Happened?

Many months ago, there was a guy named Dexter who messaged me. He seemed like a nice guy, very polite, and we got to talking. After a couple of messages I asked him to tell a little about what he does for a living. Turns out, he was laid off earlier that day.  He told me that understandably, now was not a good time for him to start dating since he needed to focus on finding a new job.  Then Dexter left.

Several weeks ago Dexter found me again. He had a new job and was ready to give this a second try.  Since it had been a while since I talked to him, I needed some refreshers. Once again, after several messages he asked if I'd be interested in going out.

"I'm new to this and I've never really done this before. So let's take this slow. Did you want to grab coffee or a drink sometime? Something simple?  I'm new to this and I want to take things slow," explained Dexter.

Is Dexter some kind of pu**y? I don't know, something about that turned me off. "I'm new to this- I haven't done this before- let's take things slow" and repeat.  It just seemed like he lacked confidence. Guess what? Have you gone on A date before? Then you're not new to this.  Maybe Dexter is just a nice guy who's shy and cautious, but my expectations are low.   I feel like I should give him a pep talk: Don't worry Dexter, everything will be okay. Just be yourself!  Anyhow, I decided to stick it out.  Even if he sounds like a bit of a coward, he still seems like a genuinely nice guy and I do like nice guys.

He asked me to set up a date, place, time etc. so I did. I waited for confirmation of sorts. A day or two later he responded, although not in the way I anticipated.

"Hey Alicia, I'm sorry but the more I think about it, I don't think we're really all that compatible. You seem a lot more outgoing than me, and you probably want someone older and richer than I am. Anyways good luck with everything and have a nice life."

What just happened? And where did this age and money thing come from? haha I'm at a loss. All I can say is I guess Dexter is braver than I thought! Or he just chickened out.

Common Sense

Don't lie to me about something you know I'm going to find out sooner or later. You don't want my first impression to be that you're a liar.  Lying on a website designed to find dates and relationships is just plain stupid.

Example 1:

One guy had on his profile that he was a pharmacist. After talking with him, he said that he works at two or three different pharmacies.  This sounded like a guy who didn't have much free time on his hands, let alone time for a relationship.  Then he confessed, "Well, I'm not really a pharmacist yet.  I'm still in school and I haven't gotten my license yet." Yeah, being a student and being a pharmacist are two different things. That's why there's an option for "student" on the occupation section.  Studying to be a pharmacist is respectable. Pretending that you already are one is not.

Example 2:

Posting confusing pictures of yourself.  One guy winked at me but I had to reject him because I had no idea what he looked like!   Don't get me wrong, he had lots of photos, but they were always of the same group of friends over and over again.  He didn't have any photos of just himself.  I had no idea who he was amongst all these guys, which I guess was the point.  He didn't want people to know who he was.  He rather have them hope he was the best looking guy in the photo.  Instead, I assumed he was the worst looking guy in the photo.  Otherwise if he was okay with how he looked, he would have at least posted a couple of solo pics, right?

Example 3:

Posting old pictures of yourself.  Pictures of when you were thinner.   Much thinner.  I was supposed to meet a guy at a bowling alley.   I walked right past him because I didn't recognize him!  I only stopped because he called my name.  He was at least 30 pounds heavier than what his photos showed.   And I guess his pants were too big (maybe he used to weigh more!) because when he'd go to throw the ball, his butt crack would make an appearance. That's not sexy.  Come on guys! Wear a belt or something. You have to know that when it's your turn to bowl, all we can see is your ass, right?  Girls know that.  It's why we don't wear skirts when we bowl.  The guy was perfectly nice and we had fun, but it was a waste of a date because I wasn't attracted to him.  When I got home I checked his profile again to read his description of his body type. "About average" it said. Yeah. Only because America has an obesity epidemic.

Come on guys, what's the plan here? Are you hoping to lure us in with your witty conversation so by the time we meet you and the truth comes out, we'll be able to ignore the fact that you lied to us from the get-go? Lying from the start is a big red flag. I want someone I can trust, someone I can believe. Not a big fat liar, no pun intended. Use your common sense!

Too Dumb

I don't sign on to my account every day. I often wait for messages and winks to build up over time before I log on and respond.  I logged on one day and saw a message that read, "I guess you lost interest.  That's too bad, because I was looking forward to meeting you."

"Oh crap!" I thought, "Maybe I should log on more often. He thought I was blowing him off!" As I began to write my response apologizing for my delay, I glanced at our message history. Turns out I wrote him back a week ago and he never responded until now, asking if I had lost interest.  What the heck?  Stupid.  I respond with, "I didn't lose interest. I replied to your message a week ago and you never responded. Take a look at the message history below."

He never wrote back.

Another time, a 31-year-old cop sent me a wink. I winked him back.  Then he wrote me a message.  I can't remember exactly what it said but it was something simple like, "Hey, how's it going?" The next message he sent was also simple. "Hope you had a good weekend." Tired of these one-liners, I tried to give a more detailed response hoping to spark more of a dialogue.

"My weekend was busy but fun-filled! Friday my sister's boyfriend was competing in Battle of the Bands so the family and I went to watch him play and support him. His band won! Saturday I went out to dinner and a movie with a friend. We saw 2012.  And Sunday I went to a coworker's baby shower.  Did you do anything fun over the weekend?  You seem to be a man of few words, hopefully you'll write back with more than just a sentence this time! ;)"

He didn't respond.

Lastly, after Halloween I decided to post some costume pictures on the site.  On Halloween I went out with my friend to a bar and we got all dressed up and took some cute photos.  I posted up a photo of me in my old west sheriff costume as well as a group photo: me= sheriff, my friend= devil, and her sister-in-law= 80's girl.

Well this guy writes me a message in which he asks me if I like country western music. "I saw your cowgirl outfit. Have you gone to many country western concerts? When did you get dressed up like that?" Come on! I'm standing next to a devil and an 80's girl.  It had to be Halloween.  

I wrote him back with, "Actually, I don't like country music, with the exception of a few songs, so I've never been to a country concert. Haha I'll give you a hint, the last time I dressed up like that was exactly one week ago..."

That was the last I heard from him.

No biggie, they were too dumb for me anyway.

The Jerk- Part 2

You knew there had to be another one, right? This guy went a little overboard.  He winked, messaged, and sent me a phone number request all at once.  As usual, I took a look at his profile before responding but immediately knew he wasn't for me.  I sent him a polite "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match" to his message, and declined his phone request.

The next day he sent me another message, "Sexy how are ya?" which had me wondering- is that even a sentence??

Maybe he didn't know that I already rejected him three times the day before, but he must've figured it out because five minutes later he sent me this: "I am trying to give you ugly girl credit but you sux." Oh dear. I think I'm going to cry.  Not because he called me ugly, but because he wrote "sux."

Why would you join a dating site if you can't handle rejection? Clearly, not everyone registered is going to be interested in you. If it were that easy, there wouldn't be a site to begin with.  Perhaps you'd have more luck if your photos didn't look like mug shots. There's this thing called smiling and girls like it.   Also, try acting your age and not your shoe size.  Calling me "ugly" because I politely declined your advances doesn't make me regret my decision.  If you can't take rejection, maybe you should try a strip club.  All you need is a wallet full of singles and all the girls will like you.  Unfortunately for you, this is the real world and I'm not going to pretend to be interested.  I didn't pay $100 to waste my time and neither did you. Welcome to the dating world.  It's not all rainbows and unicorns.  Oh, and by the way, your English sux.

Is the Economy *that* Bad or Just You?

On Monday I went out with an ultrasound tech.  He asked me out for a drink or meal. I suggested Jamba Juice on a hot summer day. We met there and after reading the menu, I turned to him and said, "Well, I know what I want whenever you're ready."

"Okay," he said, "You buy yours first."

Sigh.  Not again.  Bad sign. You ask me out on a date, but you don't want to treat?  This date might as well be over. 

I ordered my drink and the cashier asked if that would be all. "Yes," I said, "Just that." As I reached for my wallet, she asked Trent for his order.

"That'll be $8" she read. Clearly she combined the two orders (I'm glad someone knew that he should pay). Confused about what to do, I grabbed some cash and looked up to see him hand her a debit card.  Before I had time to think, Oh thank God, I just misunderstood him, Trent looked at me, sighed, shrugged his shoulders and uttered, "Oh well."

Was that necessary? If you didn't look cheap before, you certainly do now. You should've just played it off, like you were going to pay all along or like it was no big deal.  Because buying me a $4 drink isn't.  That's why you should've done it in the first place.

We walked outside and sat at a table. I think we talked for a little over an hour. It wasn't that good. The problem was that he spoke like he didn't care about anything- like he was completely disinterested with any and all topics of conversation.  There was no emotion in his voice so I couldn't tell if the date was going well or not.   Does he like me?  Doesn't he?  I had no idea, but I didn't really care.  It was a "no" the moment he told me to buy my own smoothie.  As the date ended and we walked back to our cars, I gave him a hug and thanked him for the Jamba Juice.

"Well, I was kinda forced into it," he replied.

Oh my gosh.  Now that I think about it, I'm not that surprised at his off-color comment.  He told me during a phone call that he came out of his shell about a year and a half ago and he's just learning how to talk to girls (he's 25 mind you).  Well it's safe to say he has more to learn.  Am I old fashioned to think a guy should pay when he asks a girl out on a date?  If he can't afford a smoothie, then he has bigger problems than finding a girlfriend and he shouln't be spending $100 to join a dating site.

The next evening as I was leaving work, I noticed that he sent me a text message: So, do you think there'll be a second date?

No! This guy is cheapskate. And if it's this obvious now, then I can't imagine what a relationship would be like with him. I know someone who had to purchase their own wedding ring because their husband was too cheap to buy one. That's sad but I bet that's exactly how Trent would be.  How much do you want to bet that not paying for the first date is just the tip of the iceberg?

Some guys will argue that they only won't pay for the first date. Their rationale is that it's too soon to be sure she's worth the money. I find that offensive.  You ask us out on a date, and while we determine that you're worth the time, you're not so sure we're worth the money.  Then why are you taking us out?  Perhaps the first date should be free then- like a trip to the beach.  Then you save yourself money and we won't think you're a douchebag.

Anyway, back to Trent. At the advice of my friend, I replied to Trent's text about a second date saying, "I don't know, you seemed pretty upset about having to pay for my Jamba Juice." This way, if he had a legitimate reason for not wanting to pay, he could vindicate himself.

Alas, this was not the case. He texted me back saying, LMAO! Only if you didn't say thank you. Then I would have called it off. I didn't care about that because it was her bad (the cashier). Plus it was 4 bucks. Phhh. It would be totally different if it was the first date and dinner.

I'm pretty sure he's speaking chicken right now, because all I hear is CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP. 

If the bill was something bigger than it was, I wouldn't have paid full for it. So everything was A-okay. I know you thought about paying for yourself after the total came up. So now it's up to you if you would like to go on a second date.

Normally I wouldn't do this, but I decided to respond honestly, hoping maybe Trent could learn a thing or two about dating. Since he's new to girls and all.

I wrote him, "No thank you. When a guy asks me out on a date but doesn't want to treat, it's a turn off for me. Even broke guys have refused to let me pay for myself.  Good luck on your search though and congratulations on passing your certification test!" I tried to leave things on a positive note- I'm not a bitch- but minutes later I already had a new message from him and he wasn't happy.

Wow. I thought you were different than the rest of the girls. That's good that we stopped it. Because I'm looking for an independent girl. Good luck on YOUR search.

Okay, first off, "we" stopped it?  No, that would be me who stopped it, because you're cheap.  Second- do you think independent women don't like chivalry? Do you think we want a guy who makes us pay for ourselves?  Or were you under the impression that independent women find men who complain about paying for their drink irresistibly sexy? I was trying to be nice, I was trying to give some constructive feedback, but his reply made me angry. Okay, the gloves are coming off.

"Well I'm sure the 'rest of the girls,' including the independent ones, will all agree that they don't want to date a cheap guy. Especially one who declares he was 'forced into' paying for a $4 drink."

Goodbye Ebenezer... and scrooge you.

A Controversial Comment

This is a comment that was meant for my "Clueless" post. I thought it was humorous. So instead of publishing it as a comment, I've decided to publish it as its own post! Perhaps some of you will have your own opinions on the subject.

Hi There,

I totally understand how this guy is coming off as needy and that is an absolute turn off. But here is my take on relationships and dating. I think preferences is a veil to cover up the deeper issues this society is infested it tied to race. People get away with absolute impunity by attributing their attraction buttons to preferences. But statistically a majority of the global population has a preference for caucasians. I understand why. Non caucasian women prefer them because they complain that their men do not treat them well and do not respect them well. But 21st century has seen a lot of changes. Despite that non-caucasian women try to lighten their skin or get double eyelid surgeries. So what could be the obsession with caucasian men? Well it is indeed their power and global dominance. This perception made the world think that blue eyes blonde hair is the symbol of power and beauty. Hence the preference. In other words when a non-caucasian woman claims to have a preference for caucasian men the unconscious reasoning is obvious as described in this post. Also it implies that they are self-hating i.e. hatred towards their own genetics, ancestry, parents and absolute zero collective self-esteem

My response to Yogami:

I'm caucasian.  

Too Picky?

I think I'm pretty good about being open minded when it comes to dating. I've had boyfriends who were partially deaf, overweight, a Persian immigrant, and three years my junior.  I've also gone on many decent dates with guys deemed "not bad enough" to write about, like Dr. Roboto (a physician that talked like a robot).  And lastly, I've dated all the "winners" you've read here.

Surely you don't think I was too picky when it came to these gentlemen, do you?  Do any of them sound like boyfriend material to you? A threatening, needy, self-centered, cheap, hyper sexual, paranoid, clueless smoker with a tail? If so, then you should try online dating! ;) Seriously though, judging by the comments posted by guys and girls alike, I'm not the only one who'd give these guys a thumbs down.

Let me just say that of all the guys I've written about, the only guy I refused to date again was The Runner or Idaho guy. Why? Because the rest of them never contacted me again.  That's right, the rejection was mutual.  But, even my decent dates didn't amount to second dates, which I attribute to a lack of connection.  However, if I had the chance, I would've liked to see if a second date was better. So again, how can I be picky when in essence, all of these rejects  also rejected me?

I know everyone has their flaws. Come on, I have loved someone I was never physically attracted to, so I know a thing or two about acceptance.  The difference is, you need to know what you can live with and what you can't.  And if you're not true to yourself about what you need, then your relationship won't last or you'll be miserable.  You'll break up, you'll divorce, whatever.  Try to convince yourself you can live with a slob, when you can't and you end up living in a pig sty full of resentment.  As Dr. Phil would say, "And how's that working out for ya?"

You can't convince yourself to tolerate someone's flaws because you'll fail.  And you can't change someone either.  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  You either accept them or you don't.  And if these guys I've blogged about act like this on the first date, when they're supposed to be on their best behavior, then I dodged a bullet. Because you know it's not going to get better than this.

Dating and relationships are about refining your taste. Learning about what you like and what you don't like and the difference between your needs and your preferences. You become more selective, you discover what you can get and realize what you deserve. People may think I'm too picky, but 50% of married couples divorce. Perhaps if people were more selective about the  company they choose, the statistic would be better.

I don't think I'm picky, but I do have standards. I hate being in a loving relationship but also knowing that you can do better. It's interesting because I think I've, in some way, inspired people to leave their boyfriends.  In my last relationship, my boyfriend didn't seem to have any interest in self-improvement. "The goal of life is to grow." For a year I tried to encourage him to go to school or invest some time and education into finding a career. What I need is an equal, a partner, someone on my level. I'm not your mom, your maid, or your caretaker.  Unfortunately, he was content with the status quo (working at Best Buy) and because I was honest with myself about what I needed, I left.  Well that and he ended up stealing from them, was caught, arrested, and I didn't want to date a thief.  

That was incredibly hard for me, but I knew in the long run it wouldn't work out. Strangely enough, it seems like unmotivated men are quite common now.  After discussing it with friends, they began breaking up with their boyfriends for the same reason.  Then after talking about online dating, several people signed up too. In fact, I was the first one at work to try online dating and since starting this blog, 6 girls have joined and 5 of them are now married to their online dates.  

So again, am I being too picky? I really don't think so, but even if I am- who cares? I'm only 25. I'm young and I'm having fun.  Good date or bad, this has definitely been an interesting experience! I'm enjoying meeting new people and the only time I'm lonely is when I'm watching Smallville's Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley) on TV. He's dreamy, and unfortunately married in real life, but it doesn't stop me from yelling "Date me!" when he's onscreen. Especially when he's topless. :-D

Anyway, I'm confident the right guy for me is out there and when we meet, he'll be glad I was "picky" enough to wait for him.

I Want Your Sex

Sean's a nice guy. He's cute, sweet, super short, but fun. I enjoyed spending time with him.  He was charming and funny and after each date I liked him more and more, until I noticed his hang-ups: sex and affection.

Sex:

He talked about sex right away (date #3?), mainly because he said sex was the reason his last three relationships (3 years each) failed.  Girl #1 never wanted to have sex. Girl #2 wanted to have sex all the time.  Girl #3 wasn’t spontaneous, was routine and boring, and would lay there like a dead fish.  Okay, I get it.  He seemed to have dated some extremes- but I think I'm normal.  I thought acknowledging his concern would have been good enough.  I know what he wants, I fall under that category, that ends that.  I guess I was wrong, because the topic of sex came up on each date thereafter, which made me uncomfortable.

Sean was my friend from Facebook and a middle school classmate, so he had read my blog. I say, “was” because he defriended me.  My “T.M.I.” blog offended him since he's one of those guys who told me from the get-go that he's a very sexual person. So besides the, “I’m a very sexual person,” comment he also told me that he didn’t see anything wrong with McHottie and Idaho guy, when it came to them trying to sleep with me.  Just to recap, McHottie told me it wasn’t safe for me to drive home as he threw pajamas at me, after I already drove his drunk ass 2 hours back to his place.  He didn't seem to mind then.  And Idaho Guy asked me if I wouldn’t mind staying the night on what would’ve been our second date, because he was planning to drink wine earlier that evening.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with that (although I don't like it) but if you have to talk a girl into sleeping with you, then you’re doing it wrong.

Another time Sean told me that he hates it when girls act like sex is a privilege. My reply, “Well, what is it then?” Definition of privilege: 1) a special right available only to a particular person or 2) something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure. Yeah, that kinda sounds like sex to me.  If you think sex is a right, then let me introduce you to Palmea Handerson. 

Sean also implied that he was taking things slowly with me, otherwise by now he would’ve put the moves on me.

Taking things slowly?  We’ve been on five dates.  If that's slow, what's fast?  “Five dates is a lot! That’s a long time!” A couple of months is slow, not a couple of dates.  Thank you, I guess, for taking it “slowly.”

He cut to the chase. His opening statement: Basically, if he wanted to have sex, he could. But he prefers to sleep with someone he cares about. And he cares about me.  That kind of sounds like a threat.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.  It’s not going to get him in my pants.

“I want you to say, ‘I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, and I’d like to join you in your way of thinking.'”

I laughed. “I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, but it’s not going to happen.” He wants to have sex with me now? Tough shit. Just because his last three girlfriends weren’t sexually compatible with him, doesn’t mean he gets to test the waters with me when he decides.  Sex with me IS a privilege. You have to EARN it.  Sex is not a negotiation.

Affection:

Sean was very affectionate. I'm not complaining, I like that. I’m just not a touchy-feely kind of person. I think that's an innate characteristic- one I simply don't possess. Don't get me wrong, I love the affection that comes with a relationship, but being touchy-feely and being affectionate are two different things. I like to hug, kiss, cuddle, and hold hands, but I’m not the girl who hugs her friends as we greet each other and you’ll never see me hold a girl’s hand ever. 

In fact, all of my boyfriends have been more affectionate than me. And by more affectionate, I mean that they initiate about 80% of the affection. I am; however, an eager participant so I’ve never received any complaints.

Many guys are more gradual with their affection, because they’re feeling out the situation. Then by the time they reach for your hand or go in for a kiss, you’re so excited because you’ve been waiting for it. I love that feeling. There’s a quote in Grey’s Anatomy that says it quite well:

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.

Ah. Well-said, Alex Karev. Unfortunately, I never had a chance to build that kind of anticipation with Sean because he was so forthcoming with his affection. He was always holding my hand, giving me hugs, kissing me, had his arms around me, putting my arms around him… we were always touching. At this point I was still getting to know him so I wasn’t comfortable enough to reciprocate.

One afternoon, I was on my way to have lunch with a friend when I got in a car accident.  In the words of the other driver, my car was “all fucked up.” My car had to be towed and ended up needing $9,000 worth of repairs and two weeks in the shop.  Thank God for deductibles!  When I finally got home Sean was online and asked me how lunch was. When I told him I never had lunch, he offered to bring me a sandwich, candy bars, and a hug (too cute) and he did.  He even drove me to pick up a rental car.  However, during the drive as he reached for my hand, Sean threw a tantrum of sorts.

“Why is it that I’m always the one to hold your hand and you never reach for mine?” he asked me. Before I could even respond he tossed my hand away, put that hand on the steering wheel, and leaned away to distance himself from me.

Amazing.   I just got hit by a car and Sean expects me to be concerned about holding his hand?  Was he kidding? I asked him if he was serious.  He was.  Still shocked, I reminded him that I’m not as affectionate as he is.

“Well you better be, otherwise this will be the shortest relationship of your life.”

I was stunned. My day was shaping up nicely- car accident and threatened in one day.  We’ve only been on five dates and he’s already given me an ultimatum.  He’s threatening to end a relationship we haven’t even begun.  As if I’m really thinking about his needs right now. I’m still shook up from the car accident!   I think that threat just cancelled out the meal and the ride to Hertz. At this point I didn’t know what to do.  He was silent, waiting for me to hold his hand, so I did.

He threw this tantrum again.  I had enough.  While smiling I sarcastically said, “Let me point out, that hours after I got in a car accident, you threatened me when I didn’t go to hold your hand.”

“I didn’t threaten you,” he said. I reenacted the car scene for him. He smiled, “I guess that might be perceived as a threat.”

I ran my hands up and down his arms and chest as I added, “As if I should always be thinking: Am I touching Sean enough?  Should I touch Sean more?  Does Sean need to be touched?”

“First of all, you should always be thinking, ‘Am I touching Sean enough?’” he smiled.  I have to admit, that was funny.

Anyway, I think he got the point, because after that he never talked to me again.  It’s just as well, I went from looking forward to our dates to feeling uncomfortable and dreading another conversation about sex or hand holding.  In my opinion, Sean was the one with the problem, not me.  He wanted me to be on his time table and was trying to force things between us instead of letting them come naturally.  My coworker said to me yesterday, “All men want is a receptacle to put their penis in.” Maybe that’s all Sean wanted too… if the receptacle will hold his hand too.

T.M.I.

I don't know if it's a new line or what, but if one more guy tells me he's "a very sexual person," I think I'm going to vomit.

I don't know what they're thinking... well actually, I do. They're thinking about sex.  But what makes them think it's appropriate?  I can't think of a single situation where it's necessary to share that, so please don't. It just makes you seem creepy for bringing it up. And it makes me wonder: Should I have brought my pepper spray?

I've encountered this statement several times recently and each time I become more dumbfounded. Why is he telling me this?

Here are my theories:

a) They want me to know that they like to have sex.

Well no shit, Sherlock. I think it's safe to say that 99% of men like sex. We know that already. Did you think it was a secret?

b) They want me to know that they masturbate a lot.

I hope that's not the reason.

c) They're a sex addict.

Well that would explain why they felt compelled to tell me that.  It's a warning! "I'm a very sexual person" isn't just a line- it's a disease! (Side note: did you know a nymphomaniac is a woman and a satyriasis is a man?)

d) They want to have sex with me.

Maybe they're looking for some kind of reaction or response. Something that tells them they're probably getting laid. Or something that gives them the green light to put the moves on me. Or maybe it's like a disclaimer: I'm very sexual so don't hold my actions against me.

Those are my theories, but I don't need to know about your sex life on the first date.  This could be our last one, in which case, I don't care how sexual you are!  Is it really that important that we need to discuss it right away?  Right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want to see you again, maybe even kiss you, but not if I want to sleep with you.

Not only am I confused because I don't know why they're bringing it up in the first place, I'm also confused because I don't know how to respond. What do they want me to say?  At least one of us should know that this topic is weird and clearly it has to be me. Maybe this is normal date discussion if you're easy.  To the rest of us, it's probably a red flag.

One guy told me that he's a very sexual person and then sat there staring at me, waiting for a response. Obviously, "okay" wasn't good enough. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say to that. "I'm happy for you?" Maybe he was looking for, "Thank God! Now take off your pants!"

The second time it came out of nowhere. The guy was talking about how he wished his last girlfriend was more interested in personal growth and self-improvement. When I asked for an example as to how he thought she should grow, he said, "Well, I'm a very sexual person. I'm excited to try new things, new positions... if you want to say something racist, then say something racist!" ...Wait, what are we talking about? Personal growth, sex, or racial slurs? I'm confused and a little disturbed.

Anyway, let me get back to the statement itself: I'm a very sexual person. If you're on a dating site, then hopefully you're paying for more than just a casual fling. Hopefully you're looking for a lasting relationship. This statement immediately casts you in a different light. Instead of a woman thinking- this is a guy looking for someone special, she thinks- this is a guy looking for sex. Why else would he bring it up? Immediately she's turned-off, which is ironic if it was meant to be a turn-on. Congratulations gentlemen, you have just lost some points and our creep meter has moved from green to yellow.

Sex is an important part of a relationship. I think most people can agree upon that. But if this is an attempt to see if someone's a sexual match, it's a bad one.  You won't know for sure until you do the deed and that will happen if/when the time is right.  When is a good time to talk about sex?  When it's heading in that direction.  If you bring it up too early, chances are it's not going to happen because you've either made me uncomfortable or now I think you're a man-whore. So do me a favor and keep it to yourself. I'll assume you enjoy sex, would like to have it often, and in a variety of ways. You can assume I already know that.  And we can both go on and enjoy our date.  Anything else is just TMI. 

The Dog Lover

Brendan was supposed to be a good match. The site picked him out for me and I thought they did a pretty good job.  He looked good and he sounded good so I went in for a closer look.  This sounds like a pretty decent guy.  A guy who's got his act together.  I think I'd like to get to know him a little better, so I sent him a wink.

Apparently Brendan wasn't registered on the site so he couldn't reply to my wink, but that didn't stop him.  He actually found me on Myspace and soon afterwards he was my friend on both Myspace and Facebook.  Unfortunately, I had a bit of a brain fart and accepted his Facebook request while forgetting that all my blog posts are on there.  As you can imagine, I was mortified when he left me a comment regarding the blog.  OH SHIT- is exactly what I was thinking.

Luckily, it seemed like he thought it was at least mildly amusing and he claimed to have "thousands" of similar experiences so I eventually recovered.  Well it turns out that Brendan knows my sister's classmate so did some investigating.  He was asking this girl about me. Too bad I have no idea who she is, so she isn't going to know squat about me. But girls talk, so she of course told my sister who told me that Brendan was doing some digging. I asked my sister what she said about him which was nothing good- I believe conceited and arrogant were in the description.

When I got home, I had an email from Brendan. It was flattering I guess. He said that when he saw I had winked at him, he took a look at my profile and really liked what he saw. He was determined to find me, and if he couldn't find me on MySpace or Facebook, then he was going to pay for a membership, just so he could take me out. Then he said, "I'm not sure how many conversations you want to have online before you feel comfortable enough to give me your phone number or to let me take you out. Let me just say that I'm definitely interested, so here's my number and whenever you're ready to meet, let me know."

I gave him my phone number and the next evening he called me. He talked a lot about himself. He said he moved away from home when he was 17 to go to college, but after 1-2 quarters he decided it wasn't for him. Instead he started his own business, which was pretty successful, because "when he knows what he wants, he works really hard, and he always gets it no matter what." He also started a band in which he was the singer. He said they were very popular in the area and had a record deal, came out with a CD, were played on the radio, and had about 2,500 followers. The band didn't last very long so afterwards he mentored other bands and let them use his recording studio at home. He said he helped several bands get their start and improve their music. Five years later he sold his business and moved back to his hometown where he bought a condo above Santana Row. Within the next five years he had bought two condos and a house. He lives in one condo and rents the other two out. He also purchased two dogs for $1500 each. When I commented at how expensive that was, he replied, "Not really. I guess it's a matter of perspective." Basically he came off braggy.

On a positive note, Brendan definitely sounded like he had his shit together.  But he quickly turned from braggy to conceited.  He hardly asked me any questions.  In fact, he only asked me two, and his replies were rather derogatory. He asked me a)whom do I live with? and b) do I like to drink?  When I answered "my family," and "I'm not much of a drinker, but I do have a drink occasionally," he responded with a critical, "Why????"

At that point I felt like he actually wasn't trying to impress me. It seemed like he just liked talking about himself. I guess he thinks he's pretty terrific. Bla bla bla I started my own business bla bla bla I had my own band bla bla bla other bands flocked to me for help bla bla bla I own three residences bla bla bla I own two purebred, show-quality dogs that I paid $3K for... Oh! And he even talked to his dogs when we were on the phone. I didn't mind, I do that sometimes too, but this is what he said to his dog- Why would I want a girlfriend when I have you? - Um.... okay.... He also described in detail five or so other dating sites he's tried and how I should join all of them. Uh, thanks?

When I hung up I remember thinking: there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence and he stepped over that line. I figured maybe he was just nervous. Perhaps he'd be more relaxed on our date and things would be different.

That weekend I drove to his place and I met his dogs. One was an 8 week old puppy who was adorable. What puppy isn't, right? The plan was to grab lunch and walk around Santana Row.  Brendan asked me if it was alright to bring the dogs.  He said he'd like to take them out because they haven't been outside all day, but the bad thing was they'll get a lot of attention.  Well I have no idea what a lot of attention is, so I left it up to him.  He chose to take the dogs.

We get to the shopping center and we have lunch outside at this cute little restaurant. No sooner did we sit down when I began to see what he meant by "a lot of attention." I felt like I was dining with a celebrity. We could hardly finish a sentence let alone a conversation without someone interrupting to ask about the puppy.

Awwwww. It's so cute! What breed is it? How old is it? Can I pet her? What's her name? Do they shed? Where did you get her? How much did she cost? Are the two dogs related? Can I take a picture? How big do they get? How did you decide on that breed? When did you get her? She's so calm! Are they good with other dogs? Children? Thanks! Sorry for bothering you.

Those questions were asked over and over and over again. At some points during our meal there were literally small crowds of shoppers gathered around us.  Even the waiter brought over another waiter to see the puppy. The whole thing was awkward. The attention these damn dogs were getting was making it difficult for us to get to know each other.  Brendan laughed and told me, "I told you they'd get a lot of attention!" Yeah, well everyone loves a puppy, I get that, but I had no idea it would be like this.  Why   would you suggest bringing them if you knew every 30 seconds we'd be bothered? I guess Brendan is a bit of an attention whore?

After lunch we walked a little and stopped at a Starbucks. While he was inside ordering, I was in charge of the dogs. By then I knew the answer to everyone's questions: She's a shiba inu. She's 8 weeks old. We got her last week. Her name is Bella. They shed. We got her from a breeder in Novato. She was $1500. He's the same breed. He's her cousin. He's full grown. Yes, you can take a picture. Yes, you can pet them.

Despite the perpetual interruptions, I tried to make the best of our date. I asked Brendan a lot of questions. I asked him about his experience with internet dating. He said he met one girl from the site and they were together for 1.5 years.  He said that he doesn't like to break up with girls.  He's afraid it will hurt their egos (?).  So he gets them to break up with him instead.  In fact, he was taking that girl ring shopping when he knew he had no intention of marrying her.  I thought that was scary.  I told him so.  Security is very important to me in a relationship, but if you were to date Brendan, you'd never know if things were good or bad between you. For all you know, he'd be taking you engagement ring shopping while wanting to dump you.  I'd never feel safe.

I asked him about other dating experiences. He said one woman on their first date tried to get him to buy her a new purse, shoes, and clothes.  He said in his last relationship that ended a month ago, he flew her to Disneyland for their second date.  And then described in detail how he met this girl he dated 6 months ago, which was weird to say the least. I mean, I could recreate the moment if I wanted to- that's how in depth the story was. It was a long distance 3 month relationship so every weekend he'd either fly to see her or fly her out to see him. If you didn't figure it out already, Brendan must be loaded.  Obviously he wants me to know that.

He also told me that he didn't want to walk to a certain area of the shopping center because that's where all his friends hang out and it would be awkward.  As we walked by different restaurants he pointed to the ones he eats at, to the stores he frequents, to the bars/clubs where he doesn't have to wait in line to get in because everybody knows him, to the condo he used to live in and the one he rents out.

Through the course of the date I asked Brendan about his job, where he works, his parents, brothers/sisters, where he's from, where he vacations, what he likes to do for fun, I asked about his dogs, etc. What did he ask me?  Nothing. He didn't ask me about my family, my work, my friends, nothing. And when I wasn't asking him questions, he wasn't talking. Actually, that's wrong. He talked to his dogs and he talked to the people asking about his dogs. Brendan clearly had no interest in getting to know me.  And there were so many disturbances, that by the end of the date I felt like I didn't know him any better than I did before. But I knew enough: Brendan was an egocentric person. He might as well wear a sign that says, "It's all about me! Give me attention, because I'm the greatest!"

I don't know what his deal is. My best guess is that he's insecure, so he feels the need to impress people to prove he's worthy of their friendship.  Or maybe he's just in love with himself.  Or maybe he has a small penis.  I have no idea.  Sadly, the best part of the date was when I got to hold the puppy in the car.

Ironically, Brendan is the one that came up with the title of this post. That's right, during lunch he mentioned how I'd end up writing about him. Is that because he's so self-absorbed or because his goal was to create a date so bad, it was worth writing about? I'm not sure. But he said that his title would be "The Dog Lover" because "I paid more attention to my beautiful dogs than I did my beautiful date!" He said the photo would be of a shiba inu. "Then everyone will see how gorgeous they are and say- well of course he paid more attention to them!- and I'll be, 'Ha! I win!'"

Yeah, I'm not going to post a picture of a shiba inu. If you want to know what it looks like, you can google it. But this post is about my date with Brendan, not about dogs.

It's been about three weeks since our date. I'm hoping by now he's lost the address to this site. But even if he hasn't, and he reads it, I'm sure he'll be smiling anyway. Well he did find it, read it, and tried to post some comment that didn't make sense.  Part of it was that I slept with him and he never called me back and that's why I was upset.  Um, maybe he has be confused with another disgruntled date?  Anyway, I'm sure he loved reading this post about his favorite person- himself.  Self-centered people like that, right?  

Not a Tall Tale

This is interesting. So I log onto the site and I see that a guy winked at me. I take a look at his profile and he seems alright. He doesn't meet any of my immediate deal breakers.  I browse his photos- those are fine too.  I read about his job, what he does for fun, and his political viewpoints. Again, everything is nice and normal... that is, until I read his "about me" section.

This is the very first sentence: "I have to be upfront: I have a tail.  I don't want it to become an issue later on.  If you can look beyond that superficial stuff, I would love to hear from you."

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Deep breath.

Okay, let me first start by saying that no, I'm not joking.  This is for real.  And second, no, he wasn't joking either.  He has a tail.  Lastly, there was no picture of the tail.  Hopefully I answered all of your burning questions.

To be fair, I gotta give this guy props for being honest and just putting it out there. That's pretty ballsy and brave. Unfortunately, I am superficial like that.

So, I'm telling this to my friend and he asks me if the tail moves! How am I supposed to know that?  Am I supposed to ask him?  Or do you think that's something he'd also write in his profile. "Oh, and by the way, it wags when I'm excited."

So my friend proceeds to tell me that I should go on a date with him to see if it moves! That he will pay for the date! This is craziness. Do you know how many dates I'd have to go on before I'd get to see the tail and then be in a position to ask him if it moves?  Yeah, I don't think so.  Even though it would make this entry far more entertaining, I think I'll have to pass. I like my dates with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and 0 tails. I hope that's not too picky, TRINA. ;)