The Runner

So the firefighter and the military police officer were my first two encounters with online dating.  Fast forward 4 years, one love, and a painful breakup later and we wind up in May 2009.

It's been 3 months since I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and I'm sad and moping around. You know how it is. That's when my family suggests going on a dating website. "We know how you feel, we know you're not interested in finding someone else right now, but at least this is something to do. Something to get you out of the house.  A chance for you to go out and socialize and get your mind off things," they say, to which my sister added, "At least you'll get a free lunch out of it!" So I think about it and decide it's not a bad idea. I definitely need to get out of the house because when I'm home alone, all of my thoughts lead me down one depressing path. This would give me a chance to see what's out there! I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm simply signing up for the social aspect, and heck, if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet then that's great. If not, it's certainly better then staring at photos all day long.  Right?

And so on May 3, 2009 I officially became an online dater. A day that will live on in infamy!!!  Just to clarify, I only know the date because it's printed on my receipt.

In the beginning I was really excited. People would "wink" me (the equivalent of a Facebook poke) or send me a message. There's even a counter to let you know how many people view your profile.  I felt so popular!   Guys were messaging me before I even had a photo posted, which I thought was awfully brave.  I could be a troll. Peter messaged me right away. I call him The Runner because he had several pictures of him running marathons. And his profile was loaded with talk of running, jogging, marathons, running shoes... This guy obviously loved to run, which I knew would make us a bad match straight off, because the only time I run is when I'm chased.

Our first messages to each other were super long and funny. I looked forward to his messages. I have to say, I didn't find him attractive, but 1) sometimes it's a personality that makes someone sexy- though I'm aiming for sexy inside and out and 2) it's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend now, so what does it matter?

Back to the point. So Peter, the runner, is totally nice and friendly and has good stories to tell so we set up a date to have lunch. I meet him at this sandwich shop. We hug, order, and sit down with our sandwiches.

This is how the conversation starts: "So I read you have a dog. What kind of dog is it?" he questions.

"I have a miniature poodle, his name is Rambo," I said.

"So you have a small dog. I hate small dogs!" he expressed. Nice opener there Peter.  Way to think that through.  That's like telling a chick- I notice you're blonde. I hate blondes!" Maybe I should tell him my thoughts on running?

"Is he a yappy dog?" he asks as he takes a bite of his sandwich. Now there's mayonnaise on his face. For that dumbass dog comment, I decide not to tell him about the food on his cheek and let him sit there with it.  And for the record, that mayonnaise did not budge until right before the date ended. Which I thought was surprising, because when I'm on a date I'm so paranoid about the possibility of food on my face that I'm constantly wiping my mouth with a napkin, just in case.  Obviously Peter doesn't do that.

"No, he's not yappy," I said.

"Oh good.  I run by yards with small yappy dogs all the time and it's so annoying!!!" he shares.  Ironic... I'm annoyed too.

The conversation is boring.  He's definitely more of a writer than a speaker.  He says some stupid things, like how he's looking to buy a house in the area for under $300K. HAHA Good luck! The condos by my place are asking $600-700K and a townhouse down the street is asking $900K. I tell him this but he seems oblivious of his ridiculousness. Apparently he's going to a real estate seminar later designed to help people who are looking to buy homes. Good, maybe they'll inform him that he's crazy.

While he's talking I do some analyzing. Shorts and flip flops on a first date? That's a little too casual. What? Ew! Is that a fungus toe nail!? I think it is! Why would someone wear flip flops on a first date if they have a nasty looking big toe! Keep that thing hidden! Oh, he's asking me a question...

"Did you vote for McCain?" he asks hesitantly. I tell him no. "Oh, okay, good." He breathes a sigh of relief and begins to do some McCain bashing. Which is fine. I just sit there and listen while alternating looks between the mayonnaise on his face and his scary big toe.  Now he's bashing Sarah Palin.

"Actually, I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary," I said. "I really liked her and would have liked to see her as President."

"I can't stand Hillary!" he shot back. "I find her annoying and vindictive!" Again, I'm irritated.  One second ago he worried about offending me with McCain bashing.  Now he KNOWS I voted for Hillary but apparently it's okay to insult her.  First my dog, now my voting choices.  I'm glad I left that food on your face.  I hope people at the nearby tables see how stupid you look.  I dig through my purse acting like I'm grabbing a mirror to apply lipstick while I quickly take a peek at the time- one o'clock.  Time to go!

"Vindictive? How so?" I question. I imagine the look on my face is one that is not amused.   Silence.  He sits there thinking.  He thinks some more.  More silence...

"... I guess I shouldn't have said that since I don't have anything to back it up," he laughs.  I smile.

"Well, I better let you get going so you can catch that real estate seminar. What time is it at?" I say as I grab my purse and start to stand up.

"7 pm," he says.

DAMN IT.

I pause in mid-stand. No, I'm still leaving. "Well, I gotta go," I said, so we parted ways.

I went home and my family asked how my date was with The Runner. I proceeded to tell them that he insulted my dog, he insulted my vote, he had this gross toe nail, had food on his face the whole time, he dressed way too casual, and he thinks he can buy a home around here for under $300k!  What's funny was, a couple of days later he asked me when we could grab lunch again because he had a great time! What?! "Sorry," I said, "but I didn't feel a connection."  Suffice it to say, after my date with him, it was I who wanted to do the running.