The Dog Lover

Brendan was supposed to be a good match. The site picked him out for me and I thought they did a pretty good job.  He looked good and he sounded good so I went in for a closer look.  This sounds like a pretty decent guy.  A guy who's got his act together.  I think I'd like to get to know him a little better, so I sent him a wink.

Apparently Brendan wasn't registered on the site so he couldn't reply to my wink, but that didn't stop him.  He actually found me on Myspace and soon afterwards he was my friend on both Myspace and Facebook.  Unfortunately, I had a bit of a brain fart and accepted his Facebook request while forgetting that all my blog posts are on there.  As you can imagine, I was mortified when he left me a comment regarding the blog.  OH SHIT- is exactly what I was thinking.

Luckily, it seemed like he thought it was at least mildly amusing and he claimed to have "thousands" of similar experiences so I eventually recovered.  Well it turns out that Brendan knows my sister's classmate so did some investigating.  He was asking this girl about me. Too bad I have no idea who she is, so she isn't going to know squat about me. But girls talk, so she of course told my sister who told me that Brendan was doing some digging. I asked my sister what she said about him which was nothing good- I believe conceited and arrogant were in the description.

When I got home, I had an email from Brendan. It was flattering I guess. He said that when he saw I had winked at him, he took a look at my profile and really liked what he saw. He was determined to find me, and if he couldn't find me on MySpace or Facebook, then he was going to pay for a membership, just so he could take me out. Then he said, "I'm not sure how many conversations you want to have online before you feel comfortable enough to give me your phone number or to let me take you out. Let me just say that I'm definitely interested, so here's my number and whenever you're ready to meet, let me know."

I gave him my phone number and the next evening he called me. He talked a lot about himself. He said he moved away from home when he was 17 to go to college, but after 1-2 quarters he decided it wasn't for him. Instead he started his own business, which was pretty successful, because "when he knows what he wants, he works really hard, and he always gets it no matter what." He also started a band in which he was the singer. He said they were very popular in the area and had a record deal, came out with a CD, were played on the radio, and had about 2,500 followers. The band didn't last very long so afterwards he mentored other bands and let them use his recording studio at home. He said he helped several bands get their start and improve their music. Five years later he sold his business and moved back to his hometown where he bought a condo above Santana Row. Within the next five years he had bought two condos and a house. He lives in one condo and rents the other two out. He also purchased two dogs for $1500 each. When I commented at how expensive that was, he replied, "Not really. I guess it's a matter of perspective." Basically he came off braggy.

On a positive note, Brendan definitely sounded like he had his shit together.  But he quickly turned from braggy to conceited.  He hardly asked me any questions.  In fact, he only asked me two, and his replies were rather derogatory. He asked me a)whom do I live with? and b) do I like to drink?  When I answered "my family," and "I'm not much of a drinker, but I do have a drink occasionally," he responded with a critical, "Why????"

At that point I felt like he actually wasn't trying to impress me. It seemed like he just liked talking about himself. I guess he thinks he's pretty terrific. Bla bla bla I started my own business bla bla bla I had my own band bla bla bla other bands flocked to me for help bla bla bla I own three residences bla bla bla I own two purebred, show-quality dogs that I paid $3K for... Oh! And he even talked to his dogs when we were on the phone. I didn't mind, I do that sometimes too, but this is what he said to his dog- Why would I want a girlfriend when I have you? - Um.... okay.... He also described in detail five or so other dating sites he's tried and how I should join all of them. Uh, thanks?

When I hung up I remember thinking: there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence and he stepped over that line. I figured maybe he was just nervous. Perhaps he'd be more relaxed on our date and things would be different.

That weekend I drove to his place and I met his dogs. One was an 8 week old puppy who was adorable. What puppy isn't, right? The plan was to grab lunch and walk around Santana Row.  Brendan asked me if it was alright to bring the dogs.  He said he'd like to take them out because they haven't been outside all day, but the bad thing was they'll get a lot of attention.  Well I have no idea what a lot of attention is, so I left it up to him.  He chose to take the dogs.

We get to the shopping center and we have lunch outside at this cute little restaurant. No sooner did we sit down when I began to see what he meant by "a lot of attention." I felt like I was dining with a celebrity. We could hardly finish a sentence let alone a conversation without someone interrupting to ask about the puppy.

Awwwww. It's so cute! What breed is it? How old is it? Can I pet her? What's her name? Do they shed? Where did you get her? How much did she cost? Are the two dogs related? Can I take a picture? How big do they get? How did you decide on that breed? When did you get her? She's so calm! Are they good with other dogs? Children? Thanks! Sorry for bothering you.

Those questions were asked over and over and over again. At some points during our meal there were literally small crowds of shoppers gathered around us.  Even the waiter brought over another waiter to see the puppy. The whole thing was awkward. The attention these damn dogs were getting was making it difficult for us to get to know each other.  Brendan laughed and told me, "I told you they'd get a lot of attention!" Yeah, well everyone loves a puppy, I get that, but I had no idea it would be like this.  Why   would you suggest bringing them if you knew every 30 seconds we'd be bothered? I guess Brendan is a bit of an attention whore?

After lunch we walked a little and stopped at a Starbucks. While he was inside ordering, I was in charge of the dogs. By then I knew the answer to everyone's questions: She's a shiba inu. She's 8 weeks old. We got her last week. Her name is Bella. They shed. We got her from a breeder in Novato. She was $1500. He's the same breed. He's her cousin. He's full grown. Yes, you can take a picture. Yes, you can pet them.

Despite the perpetual interruptions, I tried to make the best of our date. I asked Brendan a lot of questions. I asked him about his experience with internet dating. He said he met one girl from the site and they were together for 1.5 years.  He said that he doesn't like to break up with girls.  He's afraid it will hurt their egos (?).  So he gets them to break up with him instead.  In fact, he was taking that girl ring shopping when he knew he had no intention of marrying her.  I thought that was scary.  I told him so.  Security is very important to me in a relationship, but if you were to date Brendan, you'd never know if things were good or bad between you. For all you know, he'd be taking you engagement ring shopping while wanting to dump you.  I'd never feel safe.

I asked him about other dating experiences. He said one woman on their first date tried to get him to buy her a new purse, shoes, and clothes.  He said in his last relationship that ended a month ago, he flew her to Disneyland for their second date.  And then described in detail how he met this girl he dated 6 months ago, which was weird to say the least. I mean, I could recreate the moment if I wanted to- that's how in depth the story was. It was a long distance 3 month relationship so every weekend he'd either fly to see her or fly her out to see him. If you didn't figure it out already, Brendan must be loaded.  Obviously he wants me to know that.

He also told me that he didn't want to walk to a certain area of the shopping center because that's where all his friends hang out and it would be awkward.  As we walked by different restaurants he pointed to the ones he eats at, to the stores he frequents, to the bars/clubs where he doesn't have to wait in line to get in because everybody knows him, to the condo he used to live in and the one he rents out.

Through the course of the date I asked Brendan about his job, where he works, his parents, brothers/sisters, where he's from, where he vacations, what he likes to do for fun, I asked about his dogs, etc. What did he ask me?  Nothing. He didn't ask me about my family, my work, my friends, nothing. And when I wasn't asking him questions, he wasn't talking. Actually, that's wrong. He talked to his dogs and he talked to the people asking about his dogs. Brendan clearly had no interest in getting to know me.  And there were so many disturbances, that by the end of the date I felt like I didn't know him any better than I did before. But I knew enough: Brendan was an egocentric person. He might as well wear a sign that says, "It's all about me! Give me attention, because I'm the greatest!"

I don't know what his deal is. My best guess is that he's insecure, so he feels the need to impress people to prove he's worthy of their friendship.  Or maybe he's just in love with himself.  Or maybe he has a small penis.  I have no idea.  Sadly, the best part of the date was when I got to hold the puppy in the car.

Ironically, Brendan is the one that came up with the title of this post. That's right, during lunch he mentioned how I'd end up writing about him. Is that because he's so self-absorbed or because his goal was to create a date so bad, it was worth writing about? I'm not sure. But he said that his title would be "The Dog Lover" because "I paid more attention to my beautiful dogs than I did my beautiful date!" He said the photo would be of a shiba inu. "Then everyone will see how gorgeous they are and say- well of course he paid more attention to them!- and I'll be, 'Ha! I win!'"

Yeah, I'm not going to post a picture of a shiba inu. If you want to know what it looks like, you can google it. But this post is about my date with Brendan, not about dogs.

It's been about three weeks since our date. I'm hoping by now he's lost the address to this site. But even if he hasn't, and he reads it, I'm sure he'll be smiling anyway. Well he did find it, read it, and tried to post some comment that didn't make sense.  Part of it was that I slept with him and he never called me back and that's why I was upset.  Um, maybe he has be confused with another disgruntled date?  Anyway, I'm sure he loved reading this post about his favorite person- himself.  Self-centered people like that, right?  

Not a Tall Tale

This is interesting. So I log onto the site and I see that a guy winked at me. I take a look at his profile and he seems alright. He doesn't meet any of my immediate deal breakers.  I browse his photos- those are fine too.  I read about his job, what he does for fun, and his political viewpoints. Again, everything is nice and normal... that is, until I read his "about me" section.

This is the very first sentence: "I have to be upfront: I have a tail.  I don't want it to become an issue later on.  If you can look beyond that superficial stuff, I would love to hear from you."

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Deep breath.

Okay, let me first start by saying that no, I'm not joking.  This is for real.  And second, no, he wasn't joking either.  He has a tail.  Lastly, there was no picture of the tail.  Hopefully I answered all of your burning questions.

To be fair, I gotta give this guy props for being honest and just putting it out there. That's pretty ballsy and brave. Unfortunately, I am superficial like that.

So, I'm telling this to my friend and he asks me if the tail moves! How am I supposed to know that?  Am I supposed to ask him?  Or do you think that's something he'd also write in his profile. "Oh, and by the way, it wags when I'm excited."

So my friend proceeds to tell me that I should go on a date with him to see if it moves! That he will pay for the date! This is craziness. Do you know how many dates I'd have to go on before I'd get to see the tail and then be in a position to ask him if it moves?  Yeah, I don't think so.  Even though it would make this entry far more entertaining, I think I'll have to pass. I like my dates with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and 0 tails. I hope that's not too picky, TRINA. ;)

Clueless

Sometimes I have a hard time sending rejects. What happens if the only problem is that I'm just not attracted to him? There's a pre-made reject letter for that- "Thank you, but unfortunately we're not a good match due to: physical attraction," but I'd never have the heart to send that.  I like to be honest, but that's just cruel and unnecessary.

When Raj sent me a wink, I knew by looking at his photo that he wasn't for me.  I'm going to be honest here- typically I'm attracted to white guys.  Of course there are always exceptions- I've had a Persian boyfriend and another boyfriend who was half black, but generally speaking I'm white and I find white guys more attractive.  

Obviously, I'm not going to write Raj saying, "Sorry, I don't care for Indian men."  My profile already indicates that I prefer caucasian men.  Besides, Raj is 10 years older (35).  My profile says I'm looking for men between 25-30.  Ten years is too big of a gap.  I feel a little yucky just thinking about it.  So I respond to Raj with the, "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match because of: age."

The next day Raj replies with, and I quote, "You said the issue was age. I know you are younger than me but should get to know to see if you're mature for me. Maturity level of my soulmate is more important to me than age. Does that sound good?"

First of all, that doesn't make sense. Proof read, people, proof read! Especially when you're trying to convince me to go on a date.  Anyway, I'm not concerned that I'm too young or immature for him, I'm stating that he's too old for me.

I wrote back, "Hello, Raj. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I did not say we weren't a match because of what I think you'd want or like.  I said we weren't a match because of what I'd want and like. Take care and thanks for your interest!"

Again, the next day Raj responded. "Hey Alicia, Thanks for clearing that up. I agree you are feisty. I have a PhD and it takes time to get done. So I will not defend my age because I love where I'm at in life. Are you thinking I am going to die early or before you if we were to marry? Usually guys do even if they are the same age as the girl. Raj."

What???? hahahaha What is he talking about? This is like word vomit in an email.  

Yes... That's exactly why I'm not interested... Because you're going to die on me.  This has nothing to do with your current age, that we're probably in different places in life, that we may find it hard to relate to each other, or the fact that I'm young and want to date someone my own age. I'm thinking about you leaving me a widow 50-60 years from now. Quite frankly, I've computed the numbers and I'm concerned about your life expectancy.  Then again, you make a valid point. You'll probably kick the bucket before I do anyway. I'm comforted that you're virtually guaranteed to die before me regardless of our age difference. So now that you clarified this death thing, I am totally interested in you!

Sigh. Raj- for someone who's in graduate school, you sure are clueless. 

The Jerk

Like Dos Equis, this is not a story about a date.  The next couple of posts will be about some close encounters. Close encounters of the weird kind.

I logged onto the dating site to check out my recent messages and winks. All of a sudden a window floated down from the top of the screen. Another user wanted to have an instant message conversation with me. 

Personally, I like to check out a person's profile before any kind of contact so we don't waste each other's time. That's the beauty of sending a message or wink- I can make a decision to move forward at my own leisure. With a random IM from a stranger, I feel rushed to decide if this person is a good match or not. I can either ignore them while I check out their profile or I can respond, then look at their profile, and decide if that was a good idea.

In this particular case, the window with the IM invite showed a photo of a cute guy so I decided I'd talk first and look later. As we talked, I browsed his profile. The conversation was kind of odd.  He asked me if I was looking for a relationship.

Well, I'd like to think that people who paid to join a dating website are looking for a serious relationship. Although this was not my main goal for joining, I know that if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet, I'm certainly not going to fight it. I believe that if something's meant to happen, it will happen. So I told him I signed up with the intention of meeting someone I could possibly have a future with. He told me his intentions depended upon the person. "Friends, friends with benefits, something casual, something serious... I'll know it when I see her."

I didn't like that answer. It didn't matter because as I looked at his profile I realized that I wouldn't be interested in dating this guy anyway.  He wasn't a good match for me.  I told him I had to go and it was nice talking with him.  I signed off.

The next day I noticed that he sent me a wink. I clicked the link that read, "Not interested? Send a polite 'no thanks.'"  That should've been the end, but it wasn't.

He sent me a message. An angry message.

"Does it look like I give a fuck about you?" he wrote.

Wow, a bit sensitive I see.  I see some anger management classes in your future.  Too bad I don't have time for jerks.  

Idaho Guy

Idaho guy! How did I forget about Idaho guy!? I met him sometime after my dates with the firefighter and military police.

Nate contacted me in November via Myspace. You think by now I would have learned my lesson, but no.  Apparently the third time's the charm. Nate was a 24-year-old electrical engineer and I was 21 and still in college. He was originally from Idaho, but apparently the potato state doesn't hire many engineers, so this is where he landed.

Nate sounded like the classic gentleman, which he attributed to his parents.  He told me that his dad gets his mother a gift every day, which could be as small as a daisy from their backyard or as big as a brand new car.  They also have a standing lunch date every Friday that they never miss.  His parents sounded kind of sappy to me, but you can't deny that it's sweet- even if it's sickeningly sweet. With a model like this, it's no wonder that Nate believed in spoiling a girl and making her feel like a princess. (Where do I sign up?) He even went to the extreme of already researching diamonds, so his future fiancé would have the most beautiful engagement ring possible. I believe he said the best cut was called "Hearts on Fire," just in case you were curious. ;)

I had only talked to Nate via messages online. Before we spoke on the phone or met in person, he already sent flowers to my work! It was kind of awkward because it came with a "Happy Birthday" mini-balloon when my birthday was 5 months ago.  Another time he left me a basket of candy canes, hot chocolate mix, and peppermint extract at my front door.  Everything was really nice, the flowers, the gifts, but it made me kind of uncomfortable. He hadn't even met me and he was already spending a lot of time, money, and effort trying to impress me.  I felt like it was a bit too much too fast.  Even the girls at school were questioning Idaho guy's intentions. It was a case of romantic vs. creepy, but which one was it?

Just as expected, he put a lot of effort into our first date also. First of all, he was fairly new to the area and hadn't moved his car out here, so he rented one to pick me up. Every time he had to leave his city he had to rent a car, which meant he also rented one to drop off that candy cane/hot chocolate basket.  Secondly, when I answered the door he handed me a beautiful bouquet of gerber daisies.   Lastly, he did his homework.  He researched nice restaurants in my area and made a reservation.  He clearly put a lot of energy into making this date special and I took notice.  Unfortunately, by the end of the night I still wasn't attracted to him and I didn't feel much of a spark.  He was a nice guy and a complete gentleman.  As we walked back to the car, he put his coat around me to make sure I was warm.  He opened doors for me and the car door too.  I couldn't say anything bad about Nate.  I wanted to like him!  Maybe if we went out again, things would feel different.  Better.

I was flattered and a little nervous when he asked me to be his date to his company's Christmas party. A party full of engineers? Sounds like it could be horrible.  If you know anything about engineers, you know that they're socially awkward/inept/stunted. Even other engineers will tell you that. I had fantasies of conversations involving math equations, requiring me to drink a lot, which would eventually lead to me dancing on tables. In anticipation, I set up an exit strategy that involved being rescued by a friend and driven home.  As you can see, I didn't have high expectations for the party, plus I was really nervous about what seemed to be an awfully formal second date with Nate.

Once I agreed to go to his Christmas party, Nate insisted on taking me out dress and shoe shopping.  Maybe most girls would love that, at least that's what they say in all these hip-hop songs.  Not me.  I didn't want to try on dresses for him. I told Nate that I could afford my own outfit, but he maintained that it was his party and I was his date so he would treat. 

So, like the sneaky person I am, I took my mom and sister out dress shopping on the down-low. After a looooong day of trying on a variety of dresses at numerous stores, I found a cute black lace cocktail dress. A week or two later I bought a pair of adorable heels that had bows on the back! Score! I'd be the hottest date at the party and I could skip my mall date with Nate. When he mentioned taking me out shopping I told him the great news- my outfit was already complete!

"You're making this really hard for me!" he joked. "I want to get you something... I guess I'll just have to buy you some jewelry to go with your dress. Maybe a nice necklace and some earrings. Do you like gold or silver?" Wow. Again, maybe most girls would love it if a random guy offered to buy her clothes and jewelry, but I felt uneasy.  I felt like I was kind of being treated like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman except I'm not a poor prostitute and we're not exchanging gifts for sex... unless that's his plan.  I felt uneasy again.

"Oh, don't buy me any jewelry, really, I have sensitive skin. I'm allergic to a bunch of metals," I told him, hoping this would deter him.

"Platinum is hypoallergenic. I'll just get you a platinum necklace and earrings," he stated.  HOLY SHIT, I just got upgraded from a dress and shoes to platinum jewelry?!?! This is insane! Okay, you win, Nate.  I'll take it!  Hey, I'm only human.

Again, the girls at school were asking about Idaho guy. "What did he get you now?" they wondered. Well, he wanted to buy me a dress and shoes for his company Christmas party, but I felt weird about trying on clothes for him, so I bought my own. Now he's going to buy me platinum jewelry instead.

"What?! You better watch out! Idaho guy's got something up his sleeve," they warned. "I bet he wants to get in your pants," they said.  Hey, just because someone wants to sleep with me, doesn't mean they'll get to.  I wasn't worried.

It was now the day before the company party. I had my black dress, sexy shoes, I tanned my legs, sent the hotel my menu selections, practiced my smokey eye makeup, and I even found a nice coat too. I spent a good chunk of money and a considerable amount of time shopping so I would look nice for this party. I wanted to impress everyone at the party, that an engineer could have a date this cute.  He messaged me that evening to talk about the party.

"There's going to be wine there," he wrote, "and I don't want to risk driving you home if I've had too much. Would you mind staying over my place and I'll drive you home in the morning?"

"Actually, I'd prefer to sleep in my own bed," I replied. Aha! The girls were right! Idaho guy was trying to sleep with me! Well, at least we crossed this bridge now rather than tomorrow night.  Now I could relax and enjoy the party without worrying about him putting the moves on me.

It's now the day of the party.  I'm nervous big time.  It starts at 6pm so I'm thinking he's going to pick me up at five-ish. So I start getting ready at three, to give me plenty of time to get all beautified.  Well 5pm rolls around and I'm all fixed up and ready to go.  I'm looking pretty cute and feeling good about it.  I'm sitting at the computer killing time, trying to get the butterflies out of my stomach. An hour goes by, it's now six and no Nate.  I'm worried. What happened?  Are we just going to be fashionably late?

Suddenly I get an e-mail that reads, "Something's happened.  I'm in the hospital.   Don't be worried, I'll call you tomorrow." Sigh. I'm not worried.  I'm kind of ticked.  My friend online comments that he can't believe I got stood up. Oh well.  I slowly change out of my dress and wipe off my makeup, but not before I snap a picture of the finished product.  Hey, I worked hard to look this good!

The next day comes and goes without a call from Nate. In fact, I don't hear from him for another two or three days.  And when I did it was online. I waited to hear what happened. If he told me his grandma died, I was going to slap myself. He didn't. His excuse was worse.

"As usual, I waited too long to go to the doctor..." he started. "I had a really really bad case of Strep throat so they admitted me into the hospital."

That's your excuse?  Strep throat?

This has got to be a joke. People have surgery and go home the same day and you're telling me that you were in the hospital for three days for Strep? I've had a bad case of Strep throat. My doctor said it was the worst she had ever seen. In fact, she was even impressed by it. What did she do?  Sent me home with antibiotics.  I talked to you on the phone.  You sounded fine.  You wanted to drink wine at the party.  With a "bad case of strep" it hurts to eat and drink and you may be hoarse or lose your voice entirely.  You did not have strep throat.  I couldn't believe that he was trying to sell me this BS. 

I bet this was because I wouldn't stay the night. I'm 99% sure of it. He found out I wasn't going to sleep with him so he went with someone else who would.  I was pissed.  All of that time, effort, and money I spent prepping for a party that I didn't attend, for a guy I didn't like, just to have him stand me up last minute and tell me an obvious lie.  It was actually offensive.

Immediately after he uttered the words "Strep throat," I told him I never wanted to hear from him again.  He acted shocked.  He even asked if I was serious.  Uh, yeah. I was.

He actually did contact me again a month or so later.  Said he saw a TV show that reminded him of me.  Terrific.  Bye now.

The good news is, I was able to use everything I had purchased for my own company party- where the people were fun and I actually liked my date.  Besides, every girl needs a little black dress.