Too Picky?

I think I'm pretty good about being open minded when it comes to dating. I've had boyfriends who were partially deaf, overweight, a Persian immigrant, and three years my junior.  I've also gone on many decent dates with guys deemed "not bad enough" to write about, like Dr. Roboto (a physician that talked like a robot).  And lastly, I've dated all the "winners" you've read here.

Surely you don't think I was too picky when it came to these gentlemen, do you?  Do any of them sound like boyfriend material to you? A threatening, needy, self-centered, cheap, hyper sexual, paranoid, clueless smoker with a tail? If so, then you should try online dating! ;) Seriously though, judging by the comments posted by guys and girls alike, I'm not the only one who'd give these guys a thumbs down.

Let me just say that of all the guys I've written about, the only guy I refused to date again was The Runner or Idaho guy. Why? Because the rest of them never contacted me again.  That's right, the rejection was mutual.  But, even my decent dates didn't amount to second dates, which I attribute to a lack of connection.  However, if I had the chance, I would've liked to see if a second date was better. So again, how can I be picky when in essence, all of these rejects  also rejected me?

I know everyone has their flaws. Come on, I have loved someone I was never physically attracted to, so I know a thing or two about acceptance.  The difference is, you need to know what you can live with and what you can't.  And if you're not true to yourself about what you need, then your relationship won't last or you'll be miserable.  You'll break up, you'll divorce, whatever.  Try to convince yourself you can live with a slob, when you can't and you end up living in a pig sty full of resentment.  As Dr. Phil would say, "And how's that working out for ya?"

You can't convince yourself to tolerate someone's flaws because you'll fail.  And you can't change someone either.  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  You either accept them or you don't.  And if these guys I've blogged about act like this on the first date, when they're supposed to be on their best behavior, then I dodged a bullet. Because you know it's not going to get better than this.

Dating and relationships are about refining your taste. Learning about what you like and what you don't like and the difference between your needs and your preferences. You become more selective, you discover what you can get and realize what you deserve. People may think I'm too picky, but 50% of married couples divorce. Perhaps if people were more selective about the  company they choose, the statistic would be better.

I don't think I'm picky, but I do have standards. I hate being in a loving relationship but also knowing that you can do better. It's interesting because I think I've, in some way, inspired people to leave their boyfriends.  In my last relationship, my boyfriend didn't seem to have any interest in self-improvement. "The goal of life is to grow." For a year I tried to encourage him to go to school or invest some time and education into finding a career. What I need is an equal, a partner, someone on my level. I'm not your mom, your maid, or your caretaker.  Unfortunately, he was content with the status quo (working at Best Buy) and because I was honest with myself about what I needed, I left.  Well that and he ended up stealing from them, was caught, arrested, and I didn't want to date a thief.  

That was incredibly hard for me, but I knew in the long run it wouldn't work out. Strangely enough, it seems like unmotivated men are quite common now.  After discussing it with friends, they began breaking up with their boyfriends for the same reason.  Then after talking about online dating, several people signed up too. In fact, I was the first one at work to try online dating and since starting this blog, 6 girls have joined and 5 of them are now married to their online dates.  

So again, am I being too picky? I really don't think so, but even if I am- who cares? I'm only 25. I'm young and I'm having fun.  Good date or bad, this has definitely been an interesting experience! I'm enjoying meeting new people and the only time I'm lonely is when I'm watching Smallville's Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley) on TV. He's dreamy, and unfortunately married in real life, but it doesn't stop me from yelling "Date me!" when he's onscreen. Especially when he's topless. :-D

Anyway, I'm confident the right guy for me is out there and when we meet, he'll be glad I was "picky" enough to wait for him.

I Want Your Sex

Sean's a nice guy. He's cute, sweet, super short, but fun. I enjoyed spending time with him.  He was charming and funny and after each date I liked him more and more, until I noticed his hang-ups: sex and affection.

Sex:

He talked about sex right away (date #3?), mainly because he said sex was the reason his last three relationships (3 years each) failed.  Girl #1 never wanted to have sex. Girl #2 wanted to have sex all the time.  Girl #3 wasn’t spontaneous, was routine and boring, and would lay there like a dead fish.  Okay, I get it.  He seemed to have dated some extremes- but I think I'm normal.  I thought acknowledging his concern would have been good enough.  I know what he wants, I fall under that category, that ends that.  I guess I was wrong, because the topic of sex came up on each date thereafter, which made me uncomfortable.

Sean was my friend from Facebook and a middle school classmate, so he had read my blog. I say, “was” because he defriended me.  My “T.M.I.” blog offended him since he's one of those guys who told me from the get-go that he's a very sexual person. So besides the, “I’m a very sexual person,” comment he also told me that he didn’t see anything wrong with McHottie and Idaho guy, when it came to them trying to sleep with me.  Just to recap, McHottie told me it wasn’t safe for me to drive home as he threw pajamas at me, after I already drove his drunk ass 2 hours back to his place.  He didn't seem to mind then.  And Idaho Guy asked me if I wouldn’t mind staying the night on what would’ve been our second date, because he was planning to drink wine earlier that evening.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with that (although I don't like it) but if you have to talk a girl into sleeping with you, then you’re doing it wrong.

Another time Sean told me that he hates it when girls act like sex is a privilege. My reply, “Well, what is it then?” Definition of privilege: 1) a special right available only to a particular person or 2) something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure. Yeah, that kinda sounds like sex to me.  If you think sex is a right, then let me introduce you to Palmea Handerson. 

Sean also implied that he was taking things slowly with me, otherwise by now he would’ve put the moves on me.

Taking things slowly?  We’ve been on five dates.  If that's slow, what's fast?  “Five dates is a lot! That’s a long time!” A couple of months is slow, not a couple of dates.  Thank you, I guess, for taking it “slowly.”

He cut to the chase. His opening statement: Basically, if he wanted to have sex, he could. But he prefers to sleep with someone he cares about. And he cares about me.  That kind of sounds like a threat.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.  It’s not going to get him in my pants.

“I want you to say, ‘I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, and I’d like to join you in your way of thinking.'”

I laughed. “I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, but it’s not going to happen.” He wants to have sex with me now? Tough shit. Just because his last three girlfriends weren’t sexually compatible with him, doesn’t mean he gets to test the waters with me when he decides.  Sex with me IS a privilege. You have to EARN it.  Sex is not a negotiation.

Affection:

Sean was very affectionate. I'm not complaining, I like that. I’m just not a touchy-feely kind of person. I think that's an innate characteristic- one I simply don't possess. Don't get me wrong, I love the affection that comes with a relationship, but being touchy-feely and being affectionate are two different things. I like to hug, kiss, cuddle, and hold hands, but I’m not the girl who hugs her friends as we greet each other and you’ll never see me hold a girl’s hand ever. 

In fact, all of my boyfriends have been more affectionate than me. And by more affectionate, I mean that they initiate about 80% of the affection. I am; however, an eager participant so I’ve never received any complaints.

Many guys are more gradual with their affection, because they’re feeling out the situation. Then by the time they reach for your hand or go in for a kiss, you’re so excited because you’ve been waiting for it. I love that feeling. There’s a quote in Grey’s Anatomy that says it quite well:

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.

Ah. Well-said, Alex Karev. Unfortunately, I never had a chance to build that kind of anticipation with Sean because he was so forthcoming with his affection. He was always holding my hand, giving me hugs, kissing me, had his arms around me, putting my arms around him… we were always touching. At this point I was still getting to know him so I wasn’t comfortable enough to reciprocate.

One afternoon, I was on my way to have lunch with a friend when I got in a car accident.  In the words of the other driver, my car was “all fucked up.” My car had to be towed and ended up needing $9,000 worth of repairs and two weeks in the shop.  Thank God for deductibles!  When I finally got home Sean was online and asked me how lunch was. When I told him I never had lunch, he offered to bring me a sandwich, candy bars, and a hug (too cute) and he did.  He even drove me to pick up a rental car.  However, during the drive as he reached for my hand, Sean threw a tantrum of sorts.

“Why is it that I’m always the one to hold your hand and you never reach for mine?” he asked me. Before I could even respond he tossed my hand away, put that hand on the steering wheel, and leaned away to distance himself from me.

Amazing.   I just got hit by a car and Sean expects me to be concerned about holding his hand?  Was he kidding? I asked him if he was serious.  He was.  Still shocked, I reminded him that I’m not as affectionate as he is.

“Well you better be, otherwise this will be the shortest relationship of your life.”

I was stunned. My day was shaping up nicely- car accident and threatened in one day.  We’ve only been on five dates and he’s already given me an ultimatum.  He’s threatening to end a relationship we haven’t even begun.  As if I’m really thinking about his needs right now. I’m still shook up from the car accident!   I think that threat just cancelled out the meal and the ride to Hertz. At this point I didn’t know what to do.  He was silent, waiting for me to hold his hand, so I did.

He threw this tantrum again.  I had enough.  While smiling I sarcastically said, “Let me point out, that hours after I got in a car accident, you threatened me when I didn’t go to hold your hand.”

“I didn’t threaten you,” he said. I reenacted the car scene for him. He smiled, “I guess that might be perceived as a threat.”

I ran my hands up and down his arms and chest as I added, “As if I should always be thinking: Am I touching Sean enough?  Should I touch Sean more?  Does Sean need to be touched?”

“First of all, you should always be thinking, ‘Am I touching Sean enough?’” he smiled.  I have to admit, that was funny.

Anyway, I think he got the point, because after that he never talked to me again.  It’s just as well, I went from looking forward to our dates to feeling uncomfortable and dreading another conversation about sex or hand holding.  In my opinion, Sean was the one with the problem, not me.  He wanted me to be on his time table and was trying to force things between us instead of letting them come naturally.  My coworker said to me yesterday, “All men want is a receptacle to put their penis in.” Maybe that’s all Sean wanted too… if the receptacle will hold his hand too.

T.M.I.

I don't know if it's a new line or what, but if one more guy tells me he's "a very sexual person," I think I'm going to vomit.

I don't know what they're thinking... well actually, I do. They're thinking about sex.  But what makes them think it's appropriate?  I can't think of a single situation where it's necessary to share that, so please don't. It just makes you seem creepy for bringing it up. And it makes me wonder: Should I have brought my pepper spray?

I've encountered this statement several times recently and each time I become more dumbfounded. Why is he telling me this?

Here are my theories:

a) They want me to know that they like to have sex.

Well no shit, Sherlock. I think it's safe to say that 99% of men like sex. We know that already. Did you think it was a secret?

b) They want me to know that they masturbate a lot.

I hope that's not the reason.

c) They're a sex addict.

Well that would explain why they felt compelled to tell me that.  It's a warning! "I'm a very sexual person" isn't just a line- it's a disease! (Side note: did you know a nymphomaniac is a woman and a satyriasis is a man?)

d) They want to have sex with me.

Maybe they're looking for some kind of reaction or response. Something that tells them they're probably getting laid. Or something that gives them the green light to put the moves on me. Or maybe it's like a disclaimer: I'm very sexual so don't hold my actions against me.

Those are my theories, but I don't need to know about your sex life on the first date.  This could be our last one, in which case, I don't care how sexual you are!  Is it really that important that we need to discuss it right away?  Right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want to see you again, maybe even kiss you, but not if I want to sleep with you.

Not only am I confused because I don't know why they're bringing it up in the first place, I'm also confused because I don't know how to respond. What do they want me to say?  At least one of us should know that this topic is weird and clearly it has to be me. Maybe this is normal date discussion if you're easy.  To the rest of us, it's probably a red flag.

One guy told me that he's a very sexual person and then sat there staring at me, waiting for a response. Obviously, "okay" wasn't good enough. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say to that. "I'm happy for you?" Maybe he was looking for, "Thank God! Now take off your pants!"

The second time it came out of nowhere. The guy was talking about how he wished his last girlfriend was more interested in personal growth and self-improvement. When I asked for an example as to how he thought she should grow, he said, "Well, I'm a very sexual person. I'm excited to try new things, new positions... if you want to say something racist, then say something racist!" ...Wait, what are we talking about? Personal growth, sex, or racial slurs? I'm confused and a little disturbed.

Anyway, let me get back to the statement itself: I'm a very sexual person. If you're on a dating site, then hopefully you're paying for more than just a casual fling. Hopefully you're looking for a lasting relationship. This statement immediately casts you in a different light. Instead of a woman thinking- this is a guy looking for someone special, she thinks- this is a guy looking for sex. Why else would he bring it up? Immediately she's turned-off, which is ironic if it was meant to be a turn-on. Congratulations gentlemen, you have just lost some points and our creep meter has moved from green to yellow.

Sex is an important part of a relationship. I think most people can agree upon that. But if this is an attempt to see if someone's a sexual match, it's a bad one.  You won't know for sure until you do the deed and that will happen if/when the time is right.  When is a good time to talk about sex?  When it's heading in that direction.  If you bring it up too early, chances are it's not going to happen because you've either made me uncomfortable or now I think you're a man-whore. So do me a favor and keep it to yourself. I'll assume you enjoy sex, would like to have it often, and in a variety of ways. You can assume I already know that.  And we can both go on and enjoy our date.  Anything else is just TMI.