I'm Baaaaccckkkk- the remix

So I dated a cop and things didn't work out.  Well technically he's a deputy (sexy, right?), but yes we were together briefly.  Anyway, we broke up because our relationship was missing a key ingredient and after almost a year, that ingredient was still missing.  Three years ago when I originally wrote this post, I was embarrassed to say what that ingredient was, but like any good remix, this post is better because I'm revealing the ingredient: sex. 

That's right, my boyfriend: an ex-army turned deputy sheriff, did not want to have sex.  I don't mean every day, I don't mean three times a week, I mean never.  Like never ever.  Like we never even got close.  And since I only had one real partner, I was kind of looking forward to seeing what it was like with someone else.  But instead I was left puzzled, hurt, resentful, and pissed off.    

"Well, Alicia, did you make a move?"  Holy hell, yes.  I made all kinds of moves short of raping him, but it never amounted to anything.  He'd either push me away giggling or seemed just as uninterested as if I had asked him to play with Barbie dolls.  A girl wants to feel desirable, but instead I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with me.  Obviously nothing, I'm amazing, but after months and months of putting on the moves and getting shot down I must have suffered a mental break of some kind to think that.  At one point I sat down with him ready to have a "you're gay" intervention.  This intervention resulted in a lot of yelling and cussing on his part, which pretty much sold me on the notion that he was a homophobic gay in denial.  But then again, maybe all this pent up anger was a sign of something else... roid rage? 

Seriously, the guy was not nice.  I mean he was nice to me, but he was not nice to the general public.  He talked to me about giving tickets to illegal immigrants, crumbling the ticket up, putting it in their mouths, and making them chew it.  "They're not people.  They're animals," he said.  And in public he'd purposefully talk shit about people loud enough so they would hear him.  It was horrifying.  The more I write this the more I wonder why I endured this for so long or at all... clearly it had to be rebound desperation.  Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if he took some kind of steroids because he kept dragging me to these health stores asking people for some pill that was taken off the market.  If steroids cause impotence, maybe that's why nothing ever happened?  This is me trying to find another excuse because I don't want to give gays a bad name by adding him to their roster.    

After I had the, "it's okay, you can tell me if you're gay" conversation, he agreed to go to the doctor who suggested that his low libido was due to a side effect of his anti-anxiety meds.  (Anti-anxiety?  Oh, did I forget to tell you that this guy had ADHD and social anxiety to the point where he refused to go to any of my family functions or social gatherings by conveniently "forgetting" what time they started or suddenly "developing a headache.")  However, that was bullshit, because he didn't start taking those meds until months after we started dating and we weren't doing anything besides cuddling before then either.  

The doctor prescribed him Cialis, which he claimed he took but I'll never know because I didn't sit there and watch him take it and again, he never made a move.  Now I'm no erectile dysfunction expert, but I don't think Cialis just gives you a boner.  Based on their commercials (that's legit research, right?), you take it in case "the opportunity" presents itself later and then BAM, you're in business.  I'm not sure how you're supposed to get an erection taking me to Denny's for dinner.  In fact, I don't want your erection after a Denny's dinner.  Denny's, seriously?

After nearly a year of brazen and failed attempts at intimacy with this douchebag and I threw in the towel.  He's racist, he's mean, clearly weird, probably crazy, he refuses to spend time with my friends or family because of his social anxiety, and he's gay.  Not my type x6.  We're done.  

I restarted my account on the dating site, threw in some new pictures, updated some old info and viola!  I'm single and ready to mingle again! Except without the enthusiasm haha.  This shit is getting old.  

And that's where you come in.  It's been six months and though I haven't gone on nearly as many dates as I did the first time around, I still have some pretty good stories.  Let the games begin!

P.S. Nearly a year after our breakup, I read in the news that the deputy was arrested and convicted for felony grand theft!  Yep, he stole an instrument from a band at a hotel and was caught on tape.  Wow, just wow.