A List of Do Not's

After two dates with Chandler, I've compiled a list of Do Not's, just for you.  Let us begin.  

1) If your job is boring, and you know it's boring, and I ask you about your job, try to make it sound interesting.  Or make it short.  Don't go on and on about it using your work jargon that I don't understand and then finish with, "I'm sorry, that was really boring."  Yeah, I know, I was there.  But thanks for trying to spice it up for me.

2) Don't offer to cook for me if you're not cooking in your own kitchen.  You should be familiar with the food that's available and where all of the cooking utensils are located.  Half the time cooking shouldn't be spent with both of us digging through all of the cabinets and drawers looking for a salad bowl and white rice... three times.  

3) Don't offer to cook for me if you're not a good cook.  I do appreciate the offer, and attempting to make me dinner on a second date is a big deal.  In fact, it had me thinking that you must either really like me or you really want to impress me with your awesome cooking skills.  Then you told me you had never done this before, which had me a little worried that you were experimenting on me.  Then came the confession that you didn't know how to cook one dish and the last time you did it, it came out bad.  Now I'm just plain worried and wishing I had stopped by McDonald's for a Big Mac appetizer before the main course.  

4) Don't drive a stick if you don't know how. That seatbelt sure did get a good workout, and at the end of that drive I was craving an ice pack.  There's no shame in owning an automatic.  You don't get sexy points for owning a manual.  I know guys think it's sexy if a girl can drive a stick, but girls don't care.  You know what we care about?  A whiplash-free ride.  Seriously, it's time to upgrade.    

5) If you like a girl, don't insult her... repeatedly.  There's no complimentary way to say "you talk too much,"  because it's not a compliment.  If you're not going to talk, I'm going to.  I'll let the first insult slide.  I'll even sympathize since you said you never learned how to communicate with women because you went to an all boy's high school, that you majored in a male dominated field, and now you only work with men. So the first slip up is a freebie.  But to say it once, twice, three times?  Not cool.

Let me paint a picture for you.  We're sitting across from each other at dinner in an empty house with no music or TV in the background, nothing but silence.  He's a self-proclaimed quiet guy, so I attempt to get the conversation started.  I wait for him to take over, take a turn, contribute, something, but nothing.  So I keep going.  And going.  And going.  Then when he decides to insert a comment, he chooses, "Wow.  You talk a lot."  I'm a little surprised because no one has ever told me I talk a lot.  He quickly tries to save himself, "I mean it in a good way, because I'm so quiet."  Alright, there's your free pass.  Use it wisely.

Dinner is over and now there's absolutely nothing to do.  Because this house has no television. That's right, no TV.  Can't pop in a movie, can't watch a show, all we have for entertainment is each other, which apparently means me.  So I start talking again.  He smiles and listens and laughs but again, has nothing to share or add.  He makes another comment about me talking a lot.  I think to myself, Well I wouldn't have to talk so much if YOU did some of the talking!

I get home late and after work the next day I have a text waiting from Chandler asking about my day. I tell him it was rough because I was so exhausted from lack of sleep.  His reply?  "Well you're the one who wouldn't stop talking! .... I don't mean it as a knock, it's a compliment."  Really?  Says who?  Give me one example where talking too much is a compliment.  You keep thinking and get back to me on that.  Anyway, I respond to Chandler with, "No worries, girls love it when a guy tells her she talks too much."  He laughs.  Most bland dinner ever, and I'm not just talking about the food.

6)  Don't be a wuss.  If you want to make a move, then make a move.  If you want to kiss me, kiss me.  What's the worse that can happen? I turn my face and you kiss my cheek?  Don't put your face inches from mine, close your eyes, pucker your lips and wait.  Don't then open your eyes and ask why I haven't kissed you.  I'm not kissing you because you haven't kissed me.  To be fair, Chandler didn't do that but it's happened before, this made me think of it, and it's annoying nevertheless.  

Anyway, he's driving me home, he pulls over in front of my house, shifts in his seat, and then laughs, "Geez, meet me halfway!"  Huh?  Did I miss something?  Apparently the shift was my cue for: Crawl over across the center console and kiss me!  Lame.  That poor excuse for a move doesn't even the "whoops, you kissed my cheek instead" move.  Maybe back in high school those slutty Notre Dame girls were already straddling him in the driver's seat before he could put in the car in park.  Maybe this whole, "remain seated" thing was the work of someone who was playing hard to get.  I thank him for dinner and I climb out of the car.

Let's recap Chandler's List of Do Not's:

1) Do not tell a boring story when you know it's boring and then conclude the story by validating that it was boring.  Just skip the whole thing and do us both a favor.

2) Don't cook in a stranger's kitchen unless you're good at improvising.

3) Don't cook something you don't know how to make or make well.

4) Don't buy a car you can't drive.

5) Don't tell a girl she talks too much.  If you think you've said something to insult her, don't repeat it again and again and again. It will not make her think it's a compliment.  It will make her think you're a stupid dick.      

6) Be a man and make a real move.  Don't make a fake move and then blame her when it doesn't work. Unless that's your move to make her make the move instead...  Which leads me back to: be a man and make a real move.

That's the end of the list and that's the end of Chandler.  He did text me several times after that night, but I was practicing not talking so much.  Oops.