A Magician?

Okay, so James isn't just a flake, he's a magician as well (Please read The Flake if you don't know what I'm talking about).  He disappeared over a month ago from one dating site and now he has reappeared, like magic, on a different one and has found me again!  (To cast a wide net I'm on three sites.)

I see a familiar username in my inbox and I'm stunned.  Surprised.  Shocked.  This is definitely someone I never thought I'd hear from again.  I open the message. 

"I wish there were something I could do to erase my actions."

Psh, yeah right- I think, but curiosity gets the best of me and I bite.  I send him a message basically asking where the heck he's been this past month.  We were talking on the daily.  He was calling me names like babe and sweetheart.  He bought me roses (kinda).  He thought I was his "dream girl," and by the time we finally set up a date where there would be no work-related interruptions- POOF- he vanishes into thin air without a trace.  What the heck happened?? 

"I got sick, had a huge family blow out, then lost my phone.  Then I got sick again and I didn't want to hurt you again.  I felt you deserved better so I left it at that.  But every time I see you, it hurts."

Well the last line is cute, and a faint grin emerges, but the rest of it I'm not buying.  Sick? Blow out? Lost phone?  Um, what about a computer? I'm pretty sure most companies, libraries, and homes have computers in 2011, so I'm pretty sure you could have shot me a message.  After all, you know where to find me on Match. Plus we were friends on Facebook. I know you had access to the internet, because thanks to Facebook's newsfeed, I could see when you changed your profile picture.  Which you did a lot.  So really, there's no excuse for leaving me in the lurch.

"I'm sorry, I had so much going on in my family, and you're absolutely right.  I was 1000% wrong and I'm sorry.  I liked you more than you know and I handled it all wrong."

True dat.  But if you really liked me, this wouldn't have happened.  When a guy really likes a girl, he makes time.    

"I never expected you to say anything or ever give me the time of day, let alone another chance.  I just wanted to say I'm sorry and if I could go back in time I would." 

Sigh.  This is where I become mushy.  Now I'm thinking about why I liked him in the first place.  But really, there's no excuse for his being MIA for one month.  And this cluster fuck of events he describes, they just don't sound real to me.  It's a good thing I've been talking to this other guy that I really like and have actually gone out with a couple of times and *still* really like him (shocking, right?), because otherwise I might cave.  I might give James a second chance.  But like the great George W. Bush once said, "There's an old saying in Tennesse-I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee- that says, 'fool me once, shame on... shame on you... The fool man can't get fooled again."  I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. It was staring me right in the face!  You know what I'm saying: If I wasn't dating this guy who I also have a connection with, whom I've actually had the pleasure of meeting not once, but three times,  then I might feel a little hopeless and give James another shot.  But that's not the case.  I feel a connection with someone else and like him more than I liked James and I rather not waste my time spending it on a flake when I could be spending it with him.  And like that saying really goes, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  And while I don't always succeed, I try not to be foolish.  Now George, was it really that difficult?  Really?  

I thank James for finally getting back to me and letting me know what happened (even if it isn't the truth, it's still nice to know that it wasn't something I said or did that made him disappear).  

"I hope you find the man of your dreams.  Wish it was me, but life got in the way.  I really wish you the best.  You deserve it."  

"Thank you," I write, "I wish the same for you as well.  Except a woman. :)"  Within a year I believe he did meet and marry a woman with a child.  Hope he doesn't pull a disappearing act on them as well.  

The end?  Almost.  Six days later I get another email.  "Can I do anything to get you back?"  It depends, do you have access to a time machine?  I'm not really sure what you can do to win a person back after you've been missing for a month.  Besides, if I told him how to get me back, then that would be cheating, right?  It wouldn't mean anything.  When a guy really wants something, or someone, he goes after it and nothing can stop him.  He doesn't ask for instructions or permission, just like he doesn't ask for directions when driving and doesn't read the manual before putting something together.  He just does it.  Anyway, maybe I'll hear from him again or maybe I won't.  But at this point, I'm happy where things seem to be going with this new guy, and so far he's magical in all the right ways.  

Online Dating- You're Doing it Wrong

Three short stories that left me wondering- what are you thinking?!

Short Story #1

I stumble upon a guy, I look at his pics, I look at his profile, and I like what I see.  However, I notice that the very last sentence of his profile is "Do not email me."  Strange, I think, but perhaps he gets lots of messages and he rather be the hunter than the hunted.  I send him a wink.  He winks me back.  Getting the green light, I write a message that reads, "I guess this means I can ignore your, 'Do not email me' warning now, right? Haha."

I guess I was wrong because he never responded.  Which leaves me wondering, why are you on a dating website if you don't want people to talk to you?  

Short Story #2

I receive a message from a guy that reads, "LOL, looks like you know how to handle a big gun, ey? ;) How's your evening going?"

I'm assuming that message is in response to a Halloween costume picture where I'm dressed up as a cowboy sheriff holding plastic pistols.  Okay, so that was a little clever but also slightly inappropriate for a first contact.  I write back hoping to guide the subject away from penises, "Hahaha I'd say that's an average-sized gun, but I'm no expert.  My evening is alright. I got to leave work early (yay), but I have a cold (boo)."

Again, a sexual response awaits me.  "LOL, what's a big gun then in your opinion?  9.5"x2.5"? LOL ;) Well sorry to hear about your cold, it was very wet outside last night...."

I decide not to encourage this topic and write, "I don't know what's considered a big gun, you'd have to ask my ex.  I've done a fairly good job staying out of the rain.  My guess is it's because I work with hundreds of sick people."

Now he's confused.  "What do you mean, what do we need your ex for?"  I explain that he's the one with the gun experience.  He replies, "Hahahaha, you're a good girl.  Didn't get the reference to a nice big fat cock did you?"

And this is when I decide to teach him a lesson:  "Nope, I did.  I'm just not as excited as you are to talk about it.  I see penises 36 hours a week.  They're not that exciting."

"Oh sorry."  I hope you're embarrassed.  A grown man shouldn't be talking to a lady about dicks unless you know her pretty darn well.  And definitely don't talk to a nurse about a dick unless it's a story about shoving something up one, like a catheter or a ballpoint pen.  Then you'll have my attention. But first conversations that are sexual in nature, automatically casts you in a sleazy kind of light.  It also shines a light on their priorities or the topic at the forefront of their mind.  At least he has his dick to keep him company.

Short Story #3

The proposition I received, that was oh-so-tempting.  

"I'm the Big Bad Wolf.  Wanna Play? (In reference to a Little Red Hiding Hood Halloween costume.  Maybe I shouldn't post Halloween pictures now that I think about it....)  I'm just a horney devil.  I haven't had sex since July! But if you're not interested, I understand.  I just find you attractive.  It might lead to more, but I'd love a one night stand.  Call or text me.  (Insert phone number here) Mike"

Seriously? If I wanted a one night stand, I'd go to a bar.  I wouldn't be paying $100 online for it. Maybe I can help him out though.  Anyone interested in a guy with an eyebrow piercing who hasn't had sex since July, spells "horny" wrong, and takes only kissy-faced photos of himself?  Yeah, I didn't think so.


Addendum to Short Story #3:
Minutes after posting this blog entry, I get another message from Mike at attempted proposition number 2.


"Hey sweetie.  You seem very sophisticated and lovely. I would be interested in talking.  Maybe we can have an erotic conversation and if we like each other we can take the next step.  Call or text me.  I'm a gentleman.  We can start slow."


OMG I have no words.  One night stand? Erotic conversation? I'm a gentleman??  And why did I just get downgraded from sex to phone sex? LOL  I better find a man soon because I just might text this guy.  

KIDDING!