Online Dating- You're Doing it Wrong

Three short stories that left me wondering- what are you thinking?!

Short Story #1

I stumble upon a guy, I look at his pics, I look at his profile, and I like what I see.  However, I notice that the very last sentence of his profile is "Do not email me."  Strange, I think, but perhaps he gets lots of messages and he rather be the hunter than the hunted.  I send him a wink.  He winks me back.  Getting the green light, I write a message that reads, "I guess this means I can ignore your, 'Do not email me' warning now, right? Haha."

I guess I was wrong because he never responded.  Which leaves me wondering, why are you on a dating website if you don't want people to talk to you?  

Short Story #2

I receive a message from a guy that reads, "LOL, looks like you know how to handle a big gun, ey? ;) How's your evening going?"

I'm assuming that message is in response to a Halloween costume picture where I'm dressed up as a cowboy sheriff holding plastic pistols.  Okay, so that was a little clever but also slightly inappropriate for a first contact.  I write back hoping to guide the subject away from penises, "Hahaha I'd say that's an average-sized gun, but I'm no expert.  My evening is alright. I got to leave work early (yay), but I have a cold (boo)."

Again, a sexual response awaits me.  "LOL, what's a big gun then in your opinion?  9.5"x2.5"? LOL ;) Well sorry to hear about your cold, it was very wet outside last night...."

I decide not to encourage this topic and write, "I don't know what's considered a big gun, you'd have to ask my ex.  I've done a fairly good job staying out of the rain.  My guess is it's because I work with hundreds of sick people."

Now he's confused.  "What do you mean, what do we need your ex for?"  I explain that he's the one with the gun experience.  He replies, "Hahahaha, you're a good girl.  Didn't get the reference to a nice big fat cock did you?"

And this is when I decide to teach him a lesson:  "Nope, I did.  I'm just not as excited as you are to talk about it.  I see penises 36 hours a week.  They're not that exciting."

"Oh sorry."  I hope you're embarrassed.  A grown man shouldn't be talking to a lady about dicks unless you know her pretty darn well.  And definitely don't talk to a nurse about a dick unless it's a story about shoving something up one, like a catheter or a ballpoint pen.  Then you'll have my attention. But first conversations that are sexual in nature, automatically casts you in a sleazy kind of light.  It also shines a light on their priorities or the topic at the forefront of their mind.  At least he has his dick to keep him company.

Short Story #3

The proposition I received, that was oh-so-tempting.  

"I'm the Big Bad Wolf.  Wanna Play? (In reference to a Little Red Hiding Hood Halloween costume.  Maybe I shouldn't post Halloween pictures now that I think about it....)  I'm just a horney devil.  I haven't had sex since July! But if you're not interested, I understand.  I just find you attractive.  It might lead to more, but I'd love a one night stand.  Call or text me.  (Insert phone number here) Mike"

Seriously? If I wanted a one night stand, I'd go to a bar.  I wouldn't be paying $100 online for it. Maybe I can help him out though.  Anyone interested in a guy with an eyebrow piercing who hasn't had sex since July, spells "horny" wrong, and takes only kissy-faced photos of himself?  Yeah, I didn't think so.


Addendum to Short Story #3:
Minutes after posting this blog entry, I get another message from Mike at attempted proposition number 2.


"Hey sweetie.  You seem very sophisticated and lovely. I would be interested in talking.  Maybe we can have an erotic conversation and if we like each other we can take the next step.  Call or text me.  I'm a gentleman.  We can start slow."


OMG I have no words.  One night stand? Erotic conversation? I'm a gentleman??  And why did I just get downgraded from sex to phone sex? LOL  I better find a man soon because I just might text this guy.  

KIDDING!