Welcome Back to the Market

A one month relationship totaling four months of dating... that's a new record.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  And all I can really say about this is WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  

Well it turns out Mister "Magical in all the right ways" really wasn't.  His name is Chuck and things took off right away.  For two to three weeks we talked everyday- exchanged emails, texts, and phone calls.  He was another cop, so based on my last cop boyfriend I had a lot of questions.  His last girlfriend was a nurse, I'm a nurse, so he had a lot of questions.  Basically we were each trying to make sure that the other was normal.  The more we talked the more I liked him.  He was funny and smart and personable and I felt a connection almost immediately.  

Our first date was to the aquarium.  He drove 40 minutes to get me and when I opened the door he picked me up and gave me a big spinning hug, as if we already knew each other.  It took us an hour to get to the aquarium and although his radio was broken, we didn't need it.  We talked the whole way.  This date was amazing.  Everything felt so natural, so comfortable, it didn't feel like a first date and he didn't feel like a stranger.  Halfway through the day he even reached for my hand and he held it while we walked over to a  pool hall to play a couple of rounds.  On the hour ride back to my house we talked some more and then he came inside, I popped popcorn and we watched a movie.  He laid his head in my lap and I played with his hair and I thought to myself, I could see myself doing this for a long long time.  When he got back home he texted me, "This by far was the best first date ever!  I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I can't wait to see you again!" Yes!  

Fast forward three months and many dates later.  I met his parents multiple times and they loved me.  I met his best friend and he gave me a thumbs up.  His coworkers noticed how happy he was and he couldn't stop going on and on about me. He had visited me at work to say hi and dropped in to surprise me when he knew I was having a bad day.  Brought treats for me and my coworkers both times so obviously they liked him too.  He opened up to me right away, told me about some past family drama from ten years ago and how it really traumatized him.  How his biggest fear was dying alone.  That he was envious of his brother's marriage and his best friend's engagement.  He wanted someone to love and take care of and someone to love him back, and for one reason or another he just hasn't had that yet.  

We exchanged Christmas gifts after only knowing each other a month.  He invited me to his parent's cabin on the lake- a place he's never taken a girl before because it's always been his sanctuary.  A place he goes when he wants to be alone.  But he was excited to take me.  On Valentine's day we exchanged gifts and he surprised me with a beautiful flower arrangement and candy delivered to me at work.  This guy is perfect, I thought.  I like everything about him, I didn't have one bad thing to say.  

At one point during all of this he read my blog post where I referred to him as "magical in all the right ways" and he was touched.  He said no one had ever said anything like that about him before.  I thought to myself, "Wow, if that one sentence means that much to him, wait until he hears how I really feel!"  So that night I told him how much I liked him.  That I could tell I was falling for him.  Apparently that scared him a little.  He said he was used to being cut off or having to call it quits early on, so instinctively he was still treading lightly with me. That's okay, I thought, because I'm not going to do anything to mess this up.  

A week or so later I heard a new song on the radio that reminded me of him and I told him to listen to it.  I don't know if he ever did, but I heard it this morning on the radio when my alarm went off and it suddenly occurred to me how spot-on I really was.  

Demi Lovato- Give Your Heart A Break

The day I first met you

You told me you'd never fall in love

But now that I get you

I know fear is what it really was

Now here we are, so close

Yet so far

Haven't I passed the test?

When will you realize

Baby, I'm not like the rest?

Don't wanna break you heart

Wanna give your heart a break

I know you're scared it's wrong

Like you might make a mistake

There's just one life to live

And there's no time to wait, to waste

So let me give your heart a break...

Shortly after Valentine's day he told me he closed his dating account and it made him smile to know that he didn't need it anymore.  The next day he told his parents we were official before he even told me we were.  Of course they were happy.  His dad kept asking him if I was one of his "great ones," a reference from A Bronx Tale where a character said you only get three great women in your lifetime.  And his mom once told me that "the team" (her and her husband) were rooting for me.  

I made a comment to Chuck about how it was nice that everyone knew we were official except for me.  "Well hurry up and come over so we can make this official in person!" he laughed. I got to his house and he was in the middle of a workout.  "I don't care if I'm sweaty, I'm going to hug you anyway" he said as he pulled me close. ".... So are you gonna be my girlfriend or what?"      

He had vacation time coming up in March and I asked if maybe he wanted to go somewhere with me.  Something simple, say, Disneyland?  He gave Disneyland the green light so I planned the whole thing.  Then he started making other plans.  His birthday was in April and he wanted to have a BBQ at his place with his buddies and wanted me to get the day off.  The next day he was going to celebrate with his parents and wanted me to be there.  He had more vacation time coming up in September/October.  Did I want to go to Portugal with him?  And his best friend is getting married over Labor Day weekend, it's going to be epic... make sure to get the days off.  Things were clearly going in the right direction between us.  He was making longterm plans with me.  This is the last guy I'm going to date.  I could feel it.       

A week before Disneyland he told me he felt depressed for no particular reason.  "Sounds like a man period," I joked.  "It's probably hormonal.  I get that way too, sad for no reason."  The next day he told me what it really was.  Every year around this time he gets depressed because that's when he first found out about his father's affair and drama that unfolded thereafter that left him traumatized.  "I have no reason to be depressed," he said.  "My parents are still together and they're better than they've ever been.  I have a great family, I have a career, I have a dog, a home, and I finally have the missing puzzle piece- a solid girlfriend that I care about and miss when she's gone."    

The night before we left he was texting me at 1:30am, saying how excited he was.  He's never been on a vacation with a  girlfriend before.  I could tell he was pumped because he's like a little old man and crashes by 10pm and here he is still wide awake.  Disneyland was great.  I had a blast.  We had a lot of fun, and it even marked our one monthiversary. I met his brother and sister-in-law for the first time, we laughed, we pigged out, he screamed on rides, we took pictures together, he was all lovey-dovey, holding my hand, kissing my head, hugging me in lines, cuddling with me at night.  Everything was great.  

The day after we got back he came over to pay for his share of the trip.  He looked like a Disney ad wearing this Disney jacket and pirate shirt he bought there.  He was telling me about the bad day he was having and I said it sounded like he needed a hug, so I hugged him.  He told me he had gotten a bad sleep, tossed and turned all night, and that's when it all started to fall apart.  

"I think I need to be single.  Maybe I'm not ready for a commitment.  I feel like I've lost interest.  I don't like you as much as before.  I feel like we're losing the spark.  I guess the best way to describe it is unmotivated.  I don't feel like I'm giving this 100%.  I had fun in Disneyland, but I didn't come away from it liking you more.  I  like you the same.  Maybe I need to go back to therapy, maybe I need to be single for a while...  It's nothing you did or said.  You're a great woman- you've got a career, you come from a  good family, you've got a home... but if I'm not feeling that physical/spiritual/emotional connection then I'm not gonna lead you on."  I stood there speechless.  Stunned and shocked.  It was all I could do as he was walking out of my house to mutter that I wanted a hug.  

Less than 24 hours after posting our vacation pictures on Facebook, I was now taking them down and changing my status to single.  I felt like a retard.  I couldn't believe it.  My family couldn't believe it.  My friends couldn't believe it.  What the hell happened?  

I took some time to think about it and came up with three possible scenarios.

1) He's feeling a lot of pressure- he takes me to his family's cabin- a first- and then he goes on a vacation with me- another first.  Two big steps.  His parent's are asking him if I'm the one.  They're pressuring him not to mess this up.  Maybe he became overwhelmed with it all, things were getting too real too fast and he instinctively slammed on the brakes.

2) Based on his parent's rocky past, he's afraid I'm going to hurt him or that he'll hurt me.  He's taken steps with me he's never taken before, he's got the approval of his friends and family, he's getting close to me and he's terrified.  So before he can become vulnerable and risk being hurt, he's going to sabotage things and end it.  Or sabotage things by ending it with me so he doesn't hurt me the way his dad hurt his mom.    

3)  I farted in my sleep in the hotel, he heard it, was grossed out and broke up with me.   I'm not gonna lie, it was loud.  I know it was loud because it woke me up.  And if he was awake then I'm the gross girl who just blasted a fart in front of her boyfriend.  However if scenario 3 is the reason for the breakup, I think that should be forgiven because I was unconscious.  Just saying...

After having a day and a half to think about things and realizing that his actions over the last four months did not jive with his words from Friday, I decided to make contact.  We scheduled a return of items for Sunday and I told him that I wanted to talk.  I decided that if one of my theories was correct (minus the fart one, I'm not asking him "is this because I may or may not have farted in my sleep?), and he could admit it, then maybe that was something we could work on together.  I feel like I should fight for him.  

Saturday night I said a prayer, telling God how much I cared about Chuck and if he was "the one" then to help him open his eyes.  But if he's not the one, then I wanted it to be absolutely clear that there was no chance we'd get back together.  God answered my prayers.  

Sunday morning Chuck came over with my things and I answered the door looking as pretty as can be.  I put down my things and sat on the corner of the couch. I noticed that he didn't sit with me, he sat on the love seat on the corner furthest from me.  It started off badly.  He complained how he felt bad driving all the way down here to deliver bad news again, just to feel bad as he drives back home.  I'm sorry breaking up with me is so difficult for you, 80 minutes of guile,  meanwhile I was completely blindsided and looked like a fool.  Posting up pictures of us and then taking them down hours later saying we're broken up, the day after our first trip together.  Yeah,  poor you.

I recapped his key points for ending things with me: unmotivated, liked me less, lost interest, less of a spark.  "How long have you felt this way?" I ask.            

"For about a month now," he states.  Bullshit.  

"I'm sorry, I don't buy it," I respond.  "You asked me a month ago to be your girlfriend.  You're the one who canceled your account, not me.  You're the one who told your parents we were official you even let me know we were.  Because you like me.  

Unmotivated? You've bought me presents, you had a bouquet delivered to my job, you've driven out twice to come and visit me at work.  If that's not giving it 100%, then I don't know what is!

Less of a spark, I can see that, but maybe that's because we've been sitting at first base for four months because you wanted to take things slow because you were afraid of screwing it up.  Maybe if we took things to the next level, there'd be a bigger spark.  

And just last week you told me I was your missing puzzle piece, you were all lovey dovey with me in Disneyland, you crawled into my hotel bed to cuddle, and you were making plans with me for next week, next month, and next September- all just a few days ago.  You don't do those things with someone you've lost interest in.  You don't do those things with someone you like less.  And you certainly don't do those things with someone you haven't liked for a month.  And it's not like I forced you to do any of that. You initiated all of it on your own!  I've gone on a vacation with someone I lost interest in and I avoided those things at all costs.  Kiss? I think I'll pass.  It's okay, I'll sleep in my own bed.  I'm good on hugs, thanks.  Granted, you sound pretty adamant that you don't like me, but your actions and words for the past month up to 48 hours ago are very different than what you're telling me now."    

"HA!" he blurts out as he leans back into the couch and looks up at the ceiling, "I'm glad we didn't have sex!  I'm glad we weren't more intimate.  I'd hate to sit here having you think this was a wham-bam-thank you ma'am because I'd feel like a scumbag."

"Well I'm glad nothing happened in Disneyland either, because I'd feel like shit, but that's not what I'm trying to say..."

"I can see how this could be confusing and misleading," he interrupts.  "I did all of those things because I wanted to do them.  And when I said those things, I meant them.  But the thing about emotions is that they can flip.  (What? Maybe if you're bipolar) And I'm not going to try to force a connection when I just don't feel it."  Again, is it just me or does that not make any sense? I said and meant those things as recently as 48 hours ago but my emotions "flipped" and now I'm not that into you?  Huh??

"Again, it's nothing you said or did. You didn't do anything wrong.  Other girls have sent me running for the hills, you didn't do that.  This has happened to me before, losing interest after 1-2 months.  Maybe I have issues with commitment.  Maybe I just get bored.  I know I have attachment issues. I know I do.  I've never gotten attached to a woman.  I've never been in a relationship.  I either lose interest or she ends up being crazy and I end things.  But either way, I'm maybe sad for a moment but since I never got attached in the first place, I don't feel bad. I just shut down and move on with my life.  I thought Disneyland would be a good gauge for us. I thought one of three things would happen: you'd either do something to send me running for the hills, I'd like you the same, or I'd become attached and feel closer to you.  You didn't scare me off but I'm not attached either, I just like you the same, and that's when I knew it was time to end things.  Maybe it was because of our schedules.  I know we couldn't help it, but our schedules sucked and I think seeing you once every eight or nine days stopped me from getting attached.  And the distance between us didn't help either.  Yes we talked everyday but it wasn't enough. I don't know about you, but sometimes after we got off the phone I just felt bored.  And I know we took turns driving, and I used to not mind it at all because I was excited to see you, but it came to a point where I just didn't want to do it anymore. I think that's what stopped me from getting attached.  The schedules and the distance."  

Wow.  So many thoughts.  For one, thanks for that heads up about your attachment issues.  Little late on that Red Flag.  If I knew you were this damaged, I wouldn't be sitting here crushed.  

Second, the only thing I expected out of Disneyland was to have a great time with you.  I didn't come away liking you more.  I came away having had a good time.  Disneyland is not that magical, you're not going to fall in love with me on Pirates of the Caribbean.  It's a theme park.  

Thirdly, Ouch. Bored? Not worth the drive? Thanks for that. In the beginning we had very similar schedules and I offered to make mine match yours completely.  But you changed your schedule to one that you knew would make us see each other less, saying "it wouldn't be a problem for us."  No, you had it right the first time. You have attachment issues and you're broken and damaged.  It wasn't the distance or the schedule.  It was you.  

I sat there staring at this guy I've dated for four months, someone I actually cared, watching his body language, listening to what he's saying, listening to his tone and it's clear.  He's already detached himself from me.  It's like talking to a completely different person.  In less than two days he disconnected.  He's sitting far away, upright and serious like he's on an interview.  There's no sympathy or compassion in his eyes, his voice and words are cold and harsh.  There's no empathy.  I'm not his missing puzzle piece, I'm not the girl who made him so noticeably happy, I'm just that girl he dated two days ago.  

I decide to give it one last shot.  If this is going to be the last day I ever see or speak to him, then I want to have no regrets. I'm gonna go down with the ship so I can sleep at night knowing there's nothing more I could have done.

"Do you think," I question, "that you could be pushing me away because of your attachment issue?  Maybe this is getting too real for you, maybe you do feel yourself getting close to me and you're instinctively pushing me away?  That maybe the trauma surrounding your parent's relationship ten years ago is causing you to react this way?  Because if it is and you recognize that you're doing that, then you can stop it."  I brace myself.

"It's possible. Because I know I have attachment issues." He pauses.  "But at the end of the day I asked myself, 'Do I really want to be your boyfriend and do I really want to continue on in this relationship?' and the answer is 'No.'"   

That's it.  I can't argue with that.  Tonight I won't have to sleep with a box of Kleenex by my bed wondering why I lost this great thing.  Instead I'm feeling lucky, like I dodged a bullet.  I could have been in love with him, when he was never capable of loving me back.  Do I believe that he didn't like me and lost interest?  No, I don't.  I think he was terrified.  But you know what? If you're too afraid of commitment, then you have no business being on a website with other people who are excited by relationships.

"Alright, well I gotta get going. Having lunch with the folks," he said and stood up.  As I walk him to the door I tell him to thank his parents for being so welcoming and treating me like a part of the family.  Tell your best friend congratulations and good luck on his wedding."  

"Yeah, I'm already having problems with that. There's this guy who doesn't know he's not invited yet and I have to be the one to break it to him and he's not going to be happy." 

He reaches out to give me a hug.  "Take care," I say.  

"Well you still have my number," he replies.  

Confused I say, "Um, yeah, but it's not like I'm going to be calling you."

He smiles, "Well then, if you ever get pulled over for a speeding ticket, feel free to name drop me.  Sixty percent of the time, it works every time."

Thanks?  

Do you know what the kicker to this story is?  That night as I went to bed I had a sudden gut feeling that the jerk was back online looking for love... and he was, with new photos- the ones I took of him in Disneyland.  As if there was a miracle girl that would magically fix him and allow him to feel.  God could create a woman just for Chuck, place her at his doorstep and he'd leave her.  And he doesn't even know how messed up he is, because if he did he would be in therapy, not online.  I laughed at something he wrote in his new profile:

Do you have close ties with your family? People come and go, but family is forever and I hope you have a good support system. (You're gonna need it after dating him.) If you'd like to know more about me, feel free to send me an email and let's see what could happen! (...A whole lotta nothing.)  

Two years later he was still single and his associates described him as socially awkward and not at all surprised he's alone.  Today, 2016, he is engaged to a girl he pretty much described on their wedding website as equally damaged and commitment-phobic.  That probably makes it a match made in heaven- they probably take turns being afraid of each other, each with a prepacked suitcase for a quit get away.  I should thank him, because he did me a favor.  With that I say, welcome back to the market.