R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This was just a date for coffee with a Yahoo engineer.  I swear, it's guys like this that have inspired shows like The Big Bang Theory and Silicon Valley.  I have no idea who writes these shows, but I kind of wonder if among them is a woman who has gone on one too many dates with an engineer. 

I met Dick for coffee and we start talking about bad dates.  As I type this, I wonder why I talk about other dates when I'm on a date.  I guess it's insightful to hear another person's idea of a terrible date.  Most of the time he doesn't have a bad date story to tell, just that he didn't feel a connection.  Once in a while his idea of a horrible date is when the girl is larger than she portrayed.  While I can understand false advertisement can be irritating or frustrating, especially since you're paying to go out with A and you get B instead, I think describing that as a HORRIBLE date is a bit dramatic and probably directly proportional to your shallowness.  You can still have fun or good conversation, even if it's immediately clear that mutual attraction is nonexistent.     

Dick had a few bad date stories to tell and each one left me confused and then eventually self conscious.  He started with a story about a girl that seemed very nice, but she had no self respect.  They were grabbing a drink, she was chewing gum, and she just didn't have any self respect.  It was sad.  Pathetic really.  She seemed into him, but I mean come on, how could he date someone who lacked any self respect.

Intrigued I wanted to hear more about the date.  What did she say? What was she wearing?  What made him realize she had no self respect?  

".... she was chewing gum," he replied, like it was obvious.

I waited, thinking that I misheard him.  Or it was a joke.  Maybe I misheard the joke?  I repeated it, and he nodded.  Chewing gum means you don't have any respect for yourself?  On what planet?!?!  Did Wrigley's get that memo?    

Another time he was on a dinner date and again, this girl just didn't have any self respect.  They were talking, they ordered food, and as they started their meals the conversation continued.  Except when he asked her a question, she would answer before swallowing her bite.  Disgusting.  Absolutely disgusting.  He couldn't believe it, she was talking with food in her mouth.  He lost his appetite.  She would alternate bites and conversation, sometime speaking before she completely finished what was in her mouth and it was completely gross.  Nauseating.  

Now, I've had some friends in the past who have chewed like cows.  With their mouths opened wide, complete with smacking and a clear display of what they were eating, and yes, it's gross.  But I clarified and that's not what she was doing.  Now maybe a majority of you think this is also disgusting, I have no idea, but I too am guilty of talking while I'm eating and what I do is either cover my mouth with my hand or tuck it in the side of my cheek like a hamster.  I feel like this is an acceptable since no one can see my chewed up ball of food when it's hidden.  Also, I prefer to answer your question promptly versus sitting in silence while someone stares at me waiting to answer as I chew, and chew, and chew, and chew, and swallow, and sip some water, swallow again, and respond.  

What I found shocking about this dinner date, is that Dick didn't just grin and bear it, he upped and left.  He said watching her talk while she was eating was just more then he could stand, he couldn't even finish his food so he put money on the table to cover his portion, and said he forgot he had something to do and left that girl there to eat alone.  She just didn't have any self respect!  

After these two stories, I found myself very aware of my actions as I sat across from him.  Was I slurping my hot chocolate?  Was the lipstick on the rim repulsive?  How was my posture?  I wondered how many examples I had given him that I had not an ounce of dignity.  Would I be the next girl he talked about?  The girl at Starbucks who zero self respect?  

Then I snapped out of it and remembered that I am a catch and he's just another socially inappropriate, emotionally unintelligent engineer who would probably need to date a robot and would even  find fault with it.  "It was just too clanky when it moved around.  Pitiful.  Like it had no self respect."  

Lastly he thought of another story, unrelated to dates, but related to that revolting girl at dinner.  He was having lunch in the Yahoo cafeteria when he was rudely disturbed.  Disturbed by these Indian men at the other table who were smacking their food.  He tried to ignore it, but he just couldn't.  Infuriated, he turned around and shouted, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew with your mouth closed!?" 

I'm sure the men sat their shocked, much like I did when Dick told me this story.  I just had to ask him, "If it bothered you so much, why didn't you just move?"  

"Because I shouldn't have to move.  They should have some self respect," he explained.  

"Yeah, but it was only bothering you.  What if they kept smacking, you'd just keep yelling?  The easier solution is to eat somewhere else.  Besides, in some cultures it's appropriate to smack your food. Maybe that's true for Indian culture," I said.  He didn't have anything to say to that.  Maybe he was calculating "Argumentative:  Self respect= -1" in his mind.  

What's ironic is that this guy was so concerned about dating a girl who respects herself, yet he was completely disrespectful to others.  Abandoning his date at dinner and then only paying for his own food while he did it?  Criticizing two strangers about their eating habits?  I guess you can see why I named him Dick.  

Cry Me a River

I went on several dates with another cop.  What can I say,  cops like nurses and my inbox is full of them.  I think to date I've been out with a CHP officer, Santa Clara county deputy, San Mateo County deputy, Millbrae police, and two Alameda County deputies.  That's if I'm not forgetting anyone.  This guy's name is Rob and wanted to know when I was free.  I gave him a couple of dates to choose from and he just so happened to choose my birthday.  Why did I give my birthday as an option?  Because it was midweek and my family already agreed to celebrate my birthday over the weekend.  Might as well do something possibly fun on my birthday.  Once he picked it, that's when I told him it was my birthday.  "Well, we'll have to do something fun then!  Do you want to go to the zoo?  See some monkeys?"  

I love the zoo!  For one reason or another we didn't go to the zoo.  I don't remember why.  I do remember that Rob lived an hour away and he didn't once suggest meeting halfway or me driving to come see him.  Instead he just asked for my address and drove to pick me up.  Score 1 for Rob.  I answered the door and there in his hand was a sock monkey.  "I got you a gift for your birthday.  Since we're not seeing any real monkeys today, I thought you might like a fake one."  Score 2 for Rob.  

From there he had the whole day planned, he drove us to Half Moon Bay, which is what, another 30-45 minutes from me, and we had appetizers and beer at Half Moon Bay Brewing company.  This guy didn't seem like the other cops I dated.  He was kind.  He was down to earth.  He wasn't self righteous or drunk with power.  He seemed normal.  He was nice, he was funny, he was sweet, and I was having fun.  I thought this was gonna be a nice birthday.

From Half Moon Bay we drove to San Francisco and went to the California Academy of Sciences.  While I've gone out with guys who avoided buying me a drink, this guy has already spent more money on this date than I would have if I was in his shoes.  We walked around for a few hours, sat in the planetarium where I fell asleep (as always), saw the fish, and talked some more.  When we were ready to go he said he told his brother that it was my birthday and he told him to stop by.  As it turns out, his brother is the head chef at a hotel.  So we headed to the hotel and sat ourselves at the bar and stuffed our faces as the brother brought out appetizer after appetizer for us to try and of course ended it with a birthday dessert.  

After the hotel he dropped me off back home and I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink and to watch some TV.  I made us some drinks and we sat on the couch and talked.  It was getting late and I asked if he needed to leave.  

"Actually, I was wondering if I could stay the night.  I'll sleep on the couch or floor or whatever and I won't try anything.  I'm just exhausted and I don't think I could keep my eyes open for another hour drive back home," he said.

Well, since Rob had been so nice to me and today was definitely in my top five best birthdays, I decided to let him stay.  I got him set  up with a toothbrush, toothpaste and prepared my guest room.  In the morning when I woke up, he was gone and left a note thanking me for letting him spend the time and he'll call me later.  What a nice guy.  And I didn't even need to lock my bedroom door! 

Our second date he asked if I wanted to ride the Wine Train.  I don't exactly drink wine because it's too acidic and upsets my stomach.  "I don't drink wine either.  But I got this has a Christmas gift last year and I haven't used it.  I thought it could be fun to go together." Alright, well in that case!  

He told me to pack an overnight bag, just in case Napa turns out to be a real cool place, then maybe we could make it an overnight trip.  So I packed a bag and headed over to his place.  From his house   we drove to Napa and rode the Wine Train.  The train was alright.  You just drive down past some vineyards.  You never stop or get out or anything.  And there's a car with a bar so you can order wine obviously or cocktails.  I had a piña colada.  However, they do serve you a meal and it was delicious.   So so good.  It was funny because he went on a Monday afternoon so the whole train was packed with seniors and we were the only young people.  We didn't stay in Napa, apparently if you're not a wine drinker there's not much to do there.  So we headed back to his house and ended up meeting Rob's coworker and his girlfriend for drinks.

Well Rob had too much to drink that night I ended up having to drive his car back to his house which was 10 minutes away.  Definitely more reasonable than the 2 hour drive I got stuck with when I dated McHottie.  Now it was late so it was my turn to stay the night.  Except he had a cat and my allergies went nuts.  I was sneezing like crazy, plus it was hot so he had his fan turned on and then that really set me off.  With a runny, sneezy nose I tried to fall asleep asap and then left the next morning.  I was still really liking this Rob.  He was fun.

Our third and final date was at a park in Los Gatos.  My coworker was throwing her boyfriend a birthday BBQ at Vasona Park so I asked if Rob wanted to go.  I didn't actually expect him to say yes, since he lived so far away, but he did.  Wow, he must be pretty into me.  I thought this would be a good chance for him to meet my friends, especially since they've met some of my other cop boyfriends who turned out to be a little cray cray.  Maybe they could give me some feedback about Rob.  

The BBQ was fun, we chatted, and Rob seemed to do fine in a social setting where he didn't know anyone- unlike cop #1.  But he drank a lot at the party and when we got to my house he poured himself another drink or two.  That's when the crazy came out.  Rob was drunk and becoming very emotional very fast.  It started out being sweet, "I'm so glad I met you, you're so caring and kind..." and then it quickly spiraled out of control into a direction I did not see coming at all: death.

"I'm so glad I met you at this time in my life.  I wanna tell you something.  I might have cancer.  You can get out now if you want to, but I really like you and I'm just so glad I got to meet you during this hard time," he said as tears welled up in his eyes.  And then the bawling began.  

"I don't want to dieeeeeee!!!!!" he screeched.  

Hold up, what?

"I went to the doctor and he thinks I have skin cancer.  The chances of surviving melanoma are like 10%.  I'm so young!  There's so much I want to do!  I became a cop because I wanted to help people, help my community.  I'm not gonna get to do that!  Why me?!  I've already been sick before, why does this have to happen to me again," he sobbed.  

I ran to grab him a box of tissues and gave him a hug.  "What do you mean you have skin cancer?" I questioned.  He lifted the back of his shirt and I saw a mole.  "They took a biopsy and I'm waiting for the results, but the doctor thinks it's melanoma.  I've been waiting a week for the results and I'm losing it.  I can't wait anymore!" Tears were all over his face, he kept wiping his nose with his sleeve, his face and eyes were red.  I felt terrible for him.  I kept telling him the results hadn't come back yet and he was getting worked up over something that could be nothing.  He'd briefly nod his head in agreement and then the water works would just start back up again.  At one point he just sank to the floor and I just sat there holding him.  I tried to be as supportive and optimistic as I could but he'd been crying now for at least two hours and I couldn't help but look at the clock.  It was midnight, if I go to sleep now, I can still have 5 hours of sleep before work.  Maybe he'll stop crying soon.  I called work to put my name on the A-Day list, just in case (a list to get the day off if your unit ends up being overstaffed).  

Every time I thought he ran out of tears, I was wrong, and the cycle started all over again.  How could a person have this much energy to cry for so long!  Even a baby would have passed out by now!  It was now 3am.  I was gonna have to work on 2 hours of sleep.  My 12 hour shift was gonna be a nightmare.  If I don't go to bed now, I'm gonna accidentally kill someone.  But I couldn't leave Rob on my floor in his state, so I put my arm around him and walked him up to my bedroom.  He crawled into my bed with me and whimpered himself to sleep.  

Two hours later my alarm went off and I called work to see if maybe God had blessed me with an A-Day miracle.  AND HE DID!  I got the first four hours off!  I was so happy that I jumped out of bed and jumped around!  This was karma baby, karma paying off right now!  Right this second! I stayed up all night with Rob as he bawled his brains out and now I got to sleep in a little longer instead of going to work in zombie-mode.  I climbed back into bed.  A couple of hours later my phone rang.  I answered it in my half asleep state to find that it was an Indian telemarketer.  Rob took the phone out of my hand.  The conversation was short, but funny.  It went like this:

"Who is this?  

Peter?  Peter who?

Peter Parker?  

Your name is Peter Parker?
No it's not!
Peter Parker??

Like.... Spiderman???"

We busted up laughing and he hung up the phone.  He left that morning and I lucked out and ended up getting the entire day off from work.  It was a week before I heard from Rob again.  And when I did it was only to apologize for that night.  That's when I got the real story.  

Rob has had that mole on his back since he was a child.  He went to the doctor to have a skin check.  Rob asked him about that mole.  He said it looked fine.  Rob asked if it could be cancer.  He said the only way he could tell was if he did a biopsy.  So Rob asked for a biopsy.  Now, why would you ask for a biopsy of a mole you've had since a kid that hasn't changed since?  I have no idea.  But he did.  

After they took the biopsy, Rob started asking more questions.  So what if the biopsy shows cancer?  Well there are several kinds of skin cancer.  What's the worst kind of skin cancer?  Melanoma.  Well what's the treatment for melanoma?  Chemotherapy, surgery, or radiation.  And what's the survival rate of melanoma?  Not good.  And that's what the cry fest was about.  Rob psyched himself out over a mole he's had all of his life, had too much to drink, and then had a meltdown on my kitchen floor.  I stayed up for hours trying to comfort him over something that was nothing.  By the time Rob had contacted me, the result was back confirming that it was nothing. 

Now my friend's boyfriend, who met him at the BBQ party, said that Rob didn't seem like the kind of guy who would lose his shit like that.  Maybe it was all an act because he didn't want to see me anymore.  Well, if that's the case then he deserves an Oscar.  Wouldn't it just be easier to not come to the party versus come and then cry for hours later?  Anyway, I never heard from Rob after that.  He was probably too humiliated to ever speak to me again.  Let that be a lesson to you kids, don't drink and cry.