R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This was just a date for coffee with a Yahoo engineer.  I swear, it's guys like this that have inspired shows like The Big Bang Theory and Silicon Valley.  I have no idea who writes these shows, but I kind of wonder if among them is a woman who has gone on one too many dates with an engineer. 

I met Dick for coffee and we start talking about bad dates.  As I type this, I wonder why I talk about other dates when I'm on a date.  I guess it's insightful to hear another person's idea of a terrible date.  Most of the time he doesn't have a bad date story to tell, just that he didn't feel a connection.  Once in a while his idea of a horrible date is when the girl is larger than she portrayed.  While I can understand false advertisement can be irritating or frustrating, especially since you're paying to go out with A and you get B instead, I think describing that as a HORRIBLE date is a bit dramatic and probably directly proportional to your shallowness.  You can still have fun or good conversation, even if it's immediately clear that mutual attraction is nonexistent.     

Dick had a few bad date stories to tell and each one left me confused and then eventually self conscious.  He started with a story about a girl that seemed very nice, but she had no self respect.  They were grabbing a drink, she was chewing gum, and she just didn't have any self respect.  It was sad.  Pathetic really.  She seemed into him, but I mean come on, how could he date someone who lacked any self respect.

Intrigued I wanted to hear more about the date.  What did she say? What was she wearing?  What made him realize she had no self respect?  

".... she was chewing gum," he replied, like it was obvious.

I waited, thinking that I misheard him.  Or it was a joke.  Maybe I misheard the joke?  I repeated it, and he nodded.  Chewing gum means you don't have any respect for yourself?  On what planet?!?!  Did Wrigley's get that memo?    

Another time he was on a dinner date and again, this girl just didn't have any self respect.  They were talking, they ordered food, and as they started their meals the conversation continued.  Except when he asked her a question, she would answer before swallowing her bite.  Disgusting.  Absolutely disgusting.  He couldn't believe it, she was talking with food in her mouth.  He lost his appetite.  She would alternate bites and conversation, sometime speaking before she completely finished what was in her mouth and it was completely gross.  Nauseating.  

Now, I've had some friends in the past who have chewed like cows.  With their mouths opened wide, complete with smacking and a clear display of what they were eating, and yes, it's gross.  But I clarified and that's not what she was doing.  Now maybe a majority of you think this is also disgusting, I have no idea, but I too am guilty of talking while I'm eating and what I do is either cover my mouth with my hand or tuck it in the side of my cheek like a hamster.  I feel like this is an acceptable since no one can see my chewed up ball of food when it's hidden.  Also, I prefer to answer your question promptly versus sitting in silence while someone stares at me waiting to answer as I chew, and chew, and chew, and chew, and swallow, and sip some water, swallow again, and respond.  

What I found shocking about this dinner date, is that Dick didn't just grin and bear it, he upped and left.  He said watching her talk while she was eating was just more then he could stand, he couldn't even finish his food so he put money on the table to cover his portion, and said he forgot he had something to do and left that girl there to eat alone.  She just didn't have any self respect!  

After these two stories, I found myself very aware of my actions as I sat across from him.  Was I slurping my hot chocolate?  Was the lipstick on the rim repulsive?  How was my posture?  I wondered how many examples I had given him that I had not an ounce of dignity.  Would I be the next girl he talked about?  The girl at Starbucks who zero self respect?  

Then I snapped out of it and remembered that I am a catch and he's just another socially inappropriate, emotionally unintelligent engineer who would probably need to date a robot and would even  find fault with it.  "It was just too clanky when it moved around.  Pitiful.  Like it had no self respect."  

Lastly he thought of another story, unrelated to dates, but related to that revolting girl at dinner.  He was having lunch in the Yahoo cafeteria when he was rudely disturbed.  Disturbed by these Indian men at the other table who were smacking their food.  He tried to ignore it, but he just couldn't.  Infuriated, he turned around and shouted, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew with your mouth closed!?" 

I'm sure the men sat their shocked, much like I did when Dick told me this story.  I just had to ask him, "If it bothered you so much, why didn't you just move?"  

"Because I shouldn't have to move.  They should have some self respect," he explained.  

"Yeah, but it was only bothering you.  What if they kept smacking, you'd just keep yelling?  The easier solution is to eat somewhere else.  Besides, in some cultures it's appropriate to smack your food. Maybe that's true for Indian culture," I said.  He didn't have anything to say to that.  Maybe he was calculating "Argumentative:  Self respect= -1" in his mind.  

What's ironic is that this guy was so concerned about dating a girl who respects herself, yet he was completely disrespectful to others.  Abandoning his date at dinner and then only paying for his own food while he did it?  Criticizing two strangers about their eating habits?  I guess you can see why I named him Dick.