Hell of a Date

A Magician?

2011-12-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so James isn't just a flake, he's a magician as well (Please read The Flake if you don't know what I'm talking about). He disappeared over a month ago from one dating site and now he has reappeared, like magic, on a different one and has found me again!

I see a familiar username in my inbox and I'm stunned. Surprised. Shocked. This is definitely someone I never thought I'd hear from again. I open the message.

"I wish there were something I could do to erase my actions."

Psh, yeah right- I think, but curiosity gets the best of me and I bite. I send him a message basically asking where the heck he's been this past month. We were talking on the daily. He was calling me names like babe and sweetheart. He bought me roses. He thought I was his "dream girl," and by the time we finally set up a date where there would be no work-related interruptions- POOF- he vanishes into thin air without a trace. What the heck happened??

"I got sick, had a huge family blow out, then lost my phone. Then I got sick again and I didn't want to hurt you again. I felt you deserved better so I left it at that. But every time I see you, it hurts."

Well the last line is cute, and a faint grin emerges, but the rest of it I'm not buying. Sick? Blow out? Lost phone? Um, what about a computer? I'm pretty sure most companies, libraries, and homes have computers in 2011, so I'm pretty sure you could have shot me a message. After all, you know where to find me on Match. Plus we were friends on Facebook. I know you had access to the internet, because thanks to Facebook's newsfeed, I could see when you changed your profile picture. Which you did a lot. Not to mention, Match publishes when the last time each user has logged on. So really, there's no excuse for leaving me in the lurch.

"I'm sorry, I had so much going on in my family, and you're absolutely right. I was 1000% wrong and I'm sorry. I liked you more than you know and I handled it all wrong."

True dat. But if you really liked me, this wouldn't have happened. When a guy really likes a girl, he makes time.

"I never expected you to say anything or ever give me the time of day, let alone another chance. I just wanted to say I'm sorry and if I could go back in time I would."

Sigh. This is where I become mushy. Now I'm thinking about why I liked him in the first place. But really, there's no excuse for his being MIA for one month. And this cluster fuck of events he describes, they just don't sound real to me. It's a good thing I've been talking to this other guy that I really like and have actually gone out with a couple of times and *still* really like him (shocking, right?), because otherwise I might cave. I might give James a second chance. But like the great George W. Bush once said, "There's an old saying in Tennesse-I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee- that says, 'fool me once, shame on... shame on you... The fool man can't get fooled again." I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. It was staring me right in the face! You know what I'm saying: If I wasn't dating this guy who I also have a connection with, like James, who I've actually had the pleasure of going out with not once, but three times, then I might feel a little hopeless about dating and might just give James another shot. But that's not the case. I feel a connection with someone else and like him more than I liked James and I rather not waste my time spending it on a flaky magician when I could be spending it with him. And like that saying really goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." And while I don't always succeed, I try not to be foolish. Now George, was it really that difficult? Really?

I thank James for finally getting back to me and letting me know what happened (even if it isn't the truth, it's still nice to know that it wasn't something I said or did that made him disappear).

"I hope you find the man of your dreams. Wish it was me, but life got in the way. I really wish you the best. You deserve it."

"Thank you," I write, "I wish the same for you as well. Except a woman. :)"

The end? Almost. Six days later I get another email. "Can I do anything to get you back?" It depends, do you have access to a time machine? I'm not really sure what you can do to win a person back after you've been missing for a month. Besides, if I told him how to get me back, then that would be cheating, right? It wouldn't mean anything. When a guy really wants something, or someone, he goes after it and nothing can stop him. He doesn't ask for instructions or permission, just like he doesn't ask for directions when driving and doesn't read the manual before building furniture. He just does it. Anyway, maybe I'll hear from him again or maybe I won't. But at this point, I'm happy where things seem to be going with this new guy, and so far he's magical in all the right ways.

Online Dating- You're Doing it Wrong

2011-12-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

Three short stories that left me wondering- what are you thinking?!

Short Story #1

I stumble upon a guy, I look at his pics, I look at his profile, and I like what I see. However, I notice that the very last sentence of his profile is "Do not email me." Strange, I think, but perhaps he gets lots of messages and he rather be the hunter than the hunted. I send him a wink. He winks me back. Getting the green light, I write a message that reads, "I guess this means I can ignore your, 'Do not email me' warning now, right? Haha."

I guess I was wrong because he never responded. Which leaves me wondering, why are you on a dating website if you don't want people to talk to you? For an Asian doctor, he's surprisingly dumb. Fail x2.

Short Story #2

I receive a message from a guy that reads, "LOL, looks like you know how to handle a big gun, ey? ;) How's your evening going?"

I'm assuming that message is in response to a Halloween costume picture where I'm dressed up as a cowboy sheriff holding plastic pistols. Okay, so that was a little clever but also slightly inappropriate for a first contact. I write back hoping to guide the subject away from penises, "Hahaha I'd say that's an average-sized gun, but I'm no expert. My evening is alright. I got to leave work early (yay), but I have a cold (boo)."

Again, a sexual response awaits me. "LOL, what's a big gun then in your opinion? 9.5"x2.5"? LOL ;) Well sorry to hear about your cold, it was very wet outside last night...."

I decide not to encourage this topic and write, "I don't know what's considered a big gun, you'd have to ask my ex. I've done a fairly good job staying out of the rain. My guess is it's because I work with hundreds of sick people."

Now he's confused. "What do you mean, what do we need your ex for?" I explain that he's the one with the gun experience. He replies, "Hahahaha, you're a good girl. Didn't get the reference to a nice big fat cock did you?"

And this is when I decide to teach him a lesson: "Nope, I did. I'm just not as excited as you are to talk about it. I see penises 36 hours a week. They're not that exciting."

"Oh sorry." Yep, that's what I thought. I hope you're embarrassed. A grown man shouldn't be talking to a lady about dicks unless you know her pretty darn well. And definitely don't talk to a nurse about a dick unless it's a story about shoving something up one, like a catheter or a ballpoint pen. Then you'll have my attention. But first conversations that are sexual in nature, automatically casts anyone in a sleazy kind of light. It also shines a light on their priorities or the topic at the forefront of their mind. At least he has his dick to keep him company.

Short Story #3

The proposition I received, that was oh-so-tempting.

"I'm the Big Bad Wolf. Wanna Play? (In response to a Little Red Hiding Hood Halloween costume. Maybe I shouldn't post Halloween pictures now that I think about it....) I'm just a horney devil. I haven't had sex since July! But if you're not interested, I understand. I just find you attractive. It might lead to more, but I'd love a one night stand. Call or text me. (Insert phone number here) Mike"

Seriously? If I wanted a one night stand, I'd go to a bar. But for all I know that's where he's been since July. Maybe I can help him out though. Anyone interested in a guy with an eyebrow piercing who hasn't had sex since July, spells "horny" wrong, and takes only kissy-faced photos of himself? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Addendum to Short Story #3:
Minutes after posting this blog entry, I get another message from Mike at attempted proposition number 2.

"Hey sweetie. You seem very sophisticated and lovely. I would be interested in talking. Maybe we can have an erotic conversation and if we like each other we can take the next step. Call or text me. I'm a gentleman. We can start slow."

OMG I have no words. One night stand? Erotic conversation? I'm a gentleman?? And why did I just get downgraded from sex to phone sex? LOL I better find a man soon because I just might text this guy. KIDDING!

The Flake

2011-11-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

James had messaged me. I had seen him on this site last time I was registered but I didn't remember responding to him. Probably because he had tattoo sleeves. Even his username had "tattoos" in it. As someone who personally has no tattoos and finds them mildly unattractive, I was hesitant initially to date someone who is so in love with them. However, after over six months of being on this site AGAIN with no promising prospects, I have become more open minded as far as body art goes. I still can't get past nipple rings though... they kinda freak me out. Besides, his profile said he was a clean-cut guy with lots of tattoos. I'm wondering how can you be both clean-cut and have tattoo sleeves... isn't that an oxymoron?

I begin talking to James and he surprisingly seems to be a very very nice guy. He's friendly and funny and honest and he seems like a genuinely good guy. We talk about ourselves, we talk about our likes and dislikes, we talk about qualities and traits that are important to us in another person, we even talk about past relationships and why they haven't worked out. Strangely enough, we have broken up for the same exact reasons. A girl who couldn't provide him with the affection and intimacy he needed to be happy. A girl who was content with her job but not the least bit interested in a career. This guy is AMAZING I thought. He's good looking, he's got a great smile, he knows what he wants, he's thinking about the future, he's a hopeless romantic (haven't had one of those before) and he has a sexy voice. For the first time in a long time I'm actually excited to go on a date! I want to *meet* this guy. And the feeling is mutual. He told me several times how excited he was to meet me, because he thought I was his dream girl. Our occasional emails were now daily texts. This was promising and I was hopeful.

James scheduled a lunch date on Saturday, warning me that for the next two weeks after his shift at work he was on-call, meaning that during our date he could get called back to work at any time. He assured me though that this was an infrequent occurrence. He gets called back in maybe three times a week when he's on-call, so the chances that he'd get a page during our date was slim but worth mentioning anyway. Like a gentleman, he offers to pick me up for the date. Unfortunately on the drive over, he gets called back in. He apologizes and suggests meeting up afterwards if his call is short. That's fine with me, that gives me time to paint my nails.

A couple of hours go by, my nails are dry and fantastic and he texts me apologizing again but this call is going to be long. Maybe tomorrow instead? I'm free tomorrow as well. Actually, I had two other potential dates set up. One for that night and one for Sunday as well but this other guy is MIA so chances are I would be free for James on Sunday. Besides, I was most interested in seeing James anyway. Sunday rolls around, half the day goes by and I don't hear anything from James. Later in the evening I get another apology text. He's been working the whole day. Working in a hospital, I understand the concept of being on-call. I get it. No one likes to be called into work, but when you get the page, you don't have a choice. You have to show up. That's your job. But I'm still disappointed. I was looking forward to meeting James all week. I was smelling great, my hair was perfectly coiffed, nails red and glittery, high heels on paired with a cute shirt- the works. I was dressed to impress and this weekend of four potential dates has now dwindled down to a total of zero. I was bummed.

Then two or three days go by and I haven't heard from James. I wonder if he really blew me off on those dates or what. He went from texting me everyday throughout the day to nothing. I send him a text saying that if something's wrong or he lost interest, I'd appreciate a courtesy text instead of ignoring me. I get a text the next day. Apparently there was a family emergency with his stepdad several hours away and in a rush to the hospital he left his phone at home and was unable to contact me. "I wanted to call you so bad," he said. "I like you a lot, I will never stop talking to you," he said. That made me smile.

We set up another date under the same circumstances- the chance of being called in. This time before I even have time to get ready he gets called in. "I swear to God it's never this busy!" It's okay, I understand. We're both frustrated but still after each day I'm liking this guy more and more. He's even started calling me pet names. I feel like we've been talking for months but it's really only been three weeks. At some other point I stop hearing from him again, I ask him about it and he confesses that he feels with all the date canceling he's done, he's already messed things up. I reassure him that I'm okay with his work schedule. I understand the concept of being on-call. I understand work can get crazy from time to time. I understand that it's out of his control. But I'm also very interested and if I wasn't, then I wouldn't still be talking with him. "You're right, I just feel so bad. I've been working here for six years and it's never been this busy. I already have 31 hours of overtime in a week and a half. I want to meet you so bad, I just felt like I was already in the hole."

He comes up with an idea, perhaps if we meet halfway, then even if he gets called into work he can at least spend a little time with me before having to leave. We decide to get coffee one evening. Again I get all fancy for him, I drive to our meet-up spot, park and as I'm walking to the coffee shop I get a phone call.

"Sweetheart?" he says.

"You got called didn't you?" I ask.

"Yes! I feel absolutely terrible! You have no idea how awful I feel. I'm so so sorry! I even bought you flowers." He takes a picture of a bouquet of roses sitting on his passenger seat and sends them to me. "Send me a picture of you so I know what I'm missing. I bet you look beautiful." I walk back to my car bummed. Again. I go home and I take a couple of pictures and send some to him. Might as well not waste a nice outfit, so I take a few more and post them on the dating site.

The next day he texts me again, still apologizing for last night. He asked me what I did today and without really thinking I mention posting new pictures online. He sounds hurt and at the moment I'm a little confused as to why. It's the point of the site, to date and to date a lot of people. We haven't even gone out yet once. Plus after he told me he was canceling his membership he posted ten or so new pictures of himself... and I wasn't upset.

"It's not a big deal, you just don't need to go out of your way to say it. And I posted those pictures before we started talking everyday."

I apologize for hurting his feelings, we continue talking and decide that it would be best to set up a date sometime after his on-call period ends. Which won't be for another week and a half.

"What are you doing that weekend?" I ask.

"I might have a wedding to go on Saturday, but if not, then I'm spending the whole weekend with you," he smiles. Sounds like a plan. The texting trails off, we each get sleepy and go to bed.

A couple of days pass without a text from him. I remember the time of the family emergency, another time he left his phone at work, and I don't think anything of it. So I send him a text here and there saying I hope he has a good day or something along those lines. After three days with no response I decide to stop texting and wait for him. Another three days go by. I'm nervous and confused. I send him another text.

"Hey there. I don't know if something's changed and you're not interested anymore but that's true, you can tell me. I'm not sure if this is about my stupid comment about posting pictures or not. But I admit, it was stupid and I apologize. If that's what this is about then I'd hope you could be as understanding as I have been. In either case, if I don't hear from you I wish you the best of luck and I truly enjoyed talking with you." Days go by and deep down I still hope that I'll get some crazy text about how he lost his phone or something, but he's actively using the dating site and Facebook during this time so I knew he's #1 alive and #2 able to contact me if he wants. The weekend approaches and Saturday morning I still haven't heard from him. I sadly delete him from my friends list and give up on ever meeting this seemingly perfect tattooed version of what I want.

I still don't know what happened. Was my brain fart comment about posting pictures really the cause? And if it was, was it really that bad? I don't know, maybe somewhere on here a guy is posting about his bad dates and there's an entry about a girl who told him that she was updating her profile and all these people are commenting how stupid she was. I have no idea. But in this situation, I think I deserved a little forgiveness. After all, James flaked on me four times and not once did I give him a bad time about it. Especially since he sited that it was a problem for girls in the past. Even though I was disappointed, I was supportive and understanding because I realized that he was just as disappointed as I was. Is it so wrong for me to think that I deserved some slack for a thoughtless comment? Maybe it is. But just like dandruff, all I can do now is wash this flake right outta my hair.

A List of Do Not's

2011-10-17T22:51:00.001-07:00

After two dates with Chandler, I've compiled a list of Do Not's, just for you. Let us begin.

1) If your job is boring, and you know it's boring, and I ask you about your job, try to make it sound interesting. Or make it short. Don't go on and on about it using your work jargon that I don't understand and then finish with, "I'm sorry, that was really boring." Yeah, I know, I was there. But thanks for trying to spice it up for me.

2) Don't offer to cook for me if you're not cooking in your own kitchen. You should be familiar with the food that's available and where all of the cooking utensils are located. Half the time cooking shouldn't be spent with both of us digging through all of the cabinets and drawers looking for a salad bowl and white rice... three times.

3) Don't offer to cook for me if you're not a good cook. I do appreciate the offer, and attempting to make me dinner on a second date is a big deal. In fact, it had me thinking that you must either really like me or you really want to impress me with your awesome cooking skills. Then you told me you had never done this before, which had me a little worried that you were experimenting on me. Then came the confession that you didn't know how to cook one dish and the last time you did it, it came out bad. Now I'm just plain worried and wishing I had stopped by McDonald's for a Big Mac appetizer before the main course.

4) Don't drive a stick if you don't know how. That seatbelt sure did get a good workout and at the end of that drive I was craving an ice pack. There's no shame in owning an automatic. You don't get sexy points for owning a manual. I know guys think it's sexy if a girl can drive a stick, but girls don't care. You know what we care about? A whiplash-free ride. Seriously, it's time to upgrade.

5) If you like a girl, don't insult her... repeatedly. There's no complimentary way to say "you talk too much," because it's not a compliment. If you're not going to talk, I'm going to. I'll let the first insult slide. I'll even sympathize since you said you never learned how to communicate with women because you went to an all boy's high school, then you majored in a male dominated field, and now you work with all men. So the first slip up is a freebie. But to say it once, twice, three times? Not cool.

Let me paint a picture for you. We're sitting across from each other at dinner in an empty house with no music or TV in the background, nothing but silence. He's a self-proclaimed quiet guy, so I attempt to get the conversation started. I wait for him to take over, take a turn, contribute, something, but nothing. So I keep going. And going. And going. Then when he decides to insert a comment, he chooses, "Wow. You talk a lot." I'm a little surprised because no one has ever told me I talk a lot. He quickly tries to save himself, "I mean it in a good way, because I'm so quiet." Alright, there's your free pass. Use it wisely.

Dinner is over and now there's absolutely nothing to do. Because this house has no television. That's right, no TV. Can't pop in a movie, can't watch a show, all we have for entertainment is each other, which apparently means me. So I start talking again. He smiles and listens and laughs but again, has nothing to share or add. He makes another comment about me talking a lot. I think to myself, Well I wouldn't have to talk so much if YOU did some of the talking!

I get home late and after work the next day I have a text waiting from Chandler asking about my day. I tell him it was rough because I was so exhausted from lack of sleep. His reply? "Well you're the one who wouldn't stop talking! .... I don't mean it as a knock, it's a compliment." Really? Says who? Give me one example where talking too much is a compliment! You keep thinking and get back to me on that. Anyway, I respond to Chandler with, "No worries, girls love it when a guy tells her she talks too much." He laughs. Most bland dinner ever, and I'm not just talking about the food.

6) Don't be a wuss. If you want to make a move, then make a move. If you want to kiss me, kiss me. What's the worse that can happen? I turn my face and you kiss my cheek? It's still a step in the right direction. Don't put your face inches from mine, close your eyes, pucker your lips and wait. Don't then open your eyes and ask why I haven't kissed you. Because I want to kiss a man, that's why! Not a six year old boy. Did Chandler do that? No, but I got distracted because it's happened before and it's irritating. Back to Chandler. He's driving me back home, he pulls over in front of my house, shifts in his seat, and then laughs, "Geez, meet me halfway!" Huh? Did I miss something? Apparently the shift was my cue for: Crawl over across the center console and kiss me! Lame. That poor excuse for a move doesn't even earn a peck. I thank him for dinner and I climb out of the car instead.

Let's recap Chandler's List of Do Not's:

1) Do not tell a boring story when you know it's boring and then conclude the story by validating that it was boring. Just skip the whole thing and do us both a favor.

2) Don't cook in a stranger's kitchen unless you're good at improvising.

3) Don't cook something you don't know how to make or make well.

4) Don't buy a car you can't drive.

5) Don't tell a girl she talks too much. If you think you've said something to insult her, don't repeat it again and again and again. It will not make her think it's a compliment. It will make her think you're stupid.

6) Be a man and make a real move. Don't make a fake move and then blame her when it doesn't work. Unless that's your move to make her make the move instead... Which leads me back to: be a man and make a real move.

That's the end of the list and that's the end of Chandler. He did text me several times after that night, but I was practicing not talking so much. Oops.

The Double Date

2011-09-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

After seeing my relationship status change on Facebook, my friend and old coworker wasted no time in sending me a quick message. Apparently he thought I'd hit it off with his best friend. I agreed to some match making after I got some background info. His name was Aaron and he was 30 years old, goofy, and worked as a city police officer. My friend suggested a double date for drinks one evening- him and his girlfriend, me and Aaron. That sounded like a good idea to me. Maybe even fun! Obviously, this date didn't turn out quite the way I expected.

We arrive at the restaurant and order a round of drinks. I've never met my friend's girlfriend before so I'm talking to her, talking to my friend, and asking Aaron some questions here and there and we're all laughing except for Aaron. He seems like he's somewhere else entirely. He spends a lot of time looking around the restaurant, behind him, at the bar... he's not contributing to any conversation and I don't mean just with me, I mean with anyone. I like my friend, and now I like his girlfriend, but I came here to get to know Aaron. So I direct all my attention to him to bring Aaron back to planet Earth, or at least back to the table.

My first attempt is this: You must have a lot of interesting stories to tell, let's hear one. I'm thinking about working as a police officer, but he thinks I mean about my friend since they've known each other for 14 years. That's fine, I just want a good story, I don't care what it's about. He thinks. And thinks. And thinks. Silence. Silence. And more silence. Finally he speaks.

"I don't know, there are so many..."

"Okay, how about a story within the last year. That should narrow it down by a lot!" I laugh.

He thinks. And thinks. And thinks. Silence. Silence. And more silence. He speaks again.

"... I don't know..." Wow, Aaron. Work with me here!

"Okay then, how about a work story. You've been a cop for 10 years right? I bet you have some pretty crazy stories about work," I probe.

"You don't want to hear about my job," he replies. Really? Because I thought I just asked...

"Actually, I'm not working right now," he states.

"Did you get in trouble? Did you get hurt??" I ask.

"I shot and killed someone," he says with this distant look on his face.

"Oh... so you hurt someone else. Well I'm sure you didn't have much of a choice about it. But after killing someone, they require you to take some time off and see a therapist, right?" You see all the things I learn from TV. It's like I'm a fricken genius! Okay, maybe that's a bit of a leap.

Aaron proceeds to tell me the story of the night where an adult woman calls 911 saying that her adult son is in the yard waving a gun around. They get to the scene and the man appears to be distressed and hysterical. He appears to be contemplating suicide. Then he begins shooting at the cops. They all take cover and have their guns pointed at the guy. He's now a danger to himself and a danger to others and he's armed. Whoever has the chance to take the shot to stop this guy from killing his mom or an officer is instructed to take it. It just so happens that Aaron has that opportunity and he does just that. Suicide by cop. He doesn't like to talk about it. It's been two months and now it makes sense why he seems so far away. The guilt is eating him alive. Sounds like therapy hasn't been helping too much, sounds like he needs some good old fashioned drugs. You know, the Zoloft/Celexa/Wellbutrin type. I wouldn't tell a cop to take drug-drugs now! Come on.

Anyhow, he proceeds to tell me how disturbing it was that some people on the force were congratulating him, like it was a victory. As if he just entered some kind of cool kids club. He kept repeating that he prides himself on being able to talk people down from situations, on being a caring person, on relating to people from all kinds of backgrounds and all types of situations, and he only uses force or violence as a last resort. After all, he became a cop to help people, he tells me. And now he's killed someone. I remind him that if he didn't do it, someone else would have or someone else could have died instead. Multiple people could have been injured or killed. That man wanted to die. No one expects to live when they're waving a weapon in front of a cop. If you hold anything that even resembles a weapon in front of cops, then you're asking to be shot, because they won't hesitate to shoot you.

I know I asked Aaron to tell me a work story, but I was expecting something funny or exciting or crazy. Not depressing. This is a bit of a mood killer. I can clearly see he's traumatized and I feel bad for him, but at the same time I think he needs to be dealing with this first before he thinks about dating. I'm also not so sure he should be a cop at all after this.

Aaron then tells me how he's supposed to go back to work soon, but he still has triggers. For example, when he sees the color lime green (the color of the mother's clothing), he thinks about that day and everything comes flooding back. So not only is he depressed and guilt ridden, but he also suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. We all order another round of drinks and Aaron goes back to being his quiet self, gazing around the restaurant.

Another round of drinks later and Aaron is drunk. Apparently he's a light weight and now a totally different person. He's all smiles and all over me. He keeps whispering in my ear, grabbing my leg, holding my thigh... He scoots real close to me and grabs one of my legs and crosses it over his and then holds my hands. It's funny because I had dinner before this date and I only ordered two drinks because I didn't want to get drunk, act like a fool, and then make a bad impression. Obviously, Aaron doesn't have the same concern. He won't keep his hands off of me, oh, and he keeps calling me a butt head. For the rest of the night, I'm "butt head." Jennell? She doesn't exist. I feel like I'm on a date with a kindergartener. One butt head is okay, but when it becomes a substitute for my name then we have problems.

My friend and his girlfriend suggest we should go to a bar next door for some dancing, so we walk. They get to the bar and Aaron possibly gets another drink, I can't remember, but as soon as I sit down on the couch, he picks me up and sits me on his lap and wraps his arms around me. My friend and his girlfriend are smiling, I'm sure they think we're hitting it off. I, on the other hand, am uncomfortable with all of this touchy-feely business, especially since just 30 minutes ago, the guy would barely speak to me or anyone else for that matter.

He asks me to dance, so we dance. It feels weird because he's not much taller than me (I'm 5'2") so I'm looking him right in the eyes. Being nearly nose to nose is making me feel awkward, like my personal space is being invaded. Then he moves in closer and I'm afraid he's going to kiss me but I'm wrong. He goes for my neck instead, not to kiss it, to nuzzle it. That's right, nuzzling. You know, like an animal nuzzles its babies? He's rubbing his forehead, his cheeks, and his shaved head all over the side of my neck. Now he moves to the other side of my neck. Now I'm just plain confused. I feel like a lion or something, like I should start licking his head to groom him. I resist the temptation and after a fair amount of nuzzling I decide that I'm done with the dancing and the nuzzling. I'm ready to go.

We walk back to my car and my friend and his girlfriend keep walking to give me and Aaron some privacy. That's sweet of them but inside I'm whimpering "please don't..." Aaron whips out his phone and hands it to me, insisting I put in my number. I type in "Jennell Butthead." He gives me a hug goodbye, I get in my car and hear a door slam. I freeze. That wasn't my door. I look over to the passenger side and Aaron is sitting there. "Can you give me a ride home?" he smiles.

I hear my friend calling, "Aaron! Your car is parked at my house. What are you doing??"

"I'm getting a ride home!" he shouts out of the car.

"Man, your car is at our house. How are you gonna pick it up if you go home? Get outta the car!" my friend shouts back.

Aaron climbs out of my car and heads over to the two of them on the corner and I drive back home.

As soon as I change into my pajamas and I'm climbing into bed, I get a text message from Aaron. He's complaining that my friend left him alone so he could spend the night at his girlfriend's house. Aaron invites me to come over, asks me to spend the night with him, and I politely say no. Even if I was interested, I'm exhausted. I feel like I went on a date with two completely different people. Quiet, withdrawn, and repentant Aaron vs. handsy, nuzzling, and horny Aaron. And I didn't care for either.

My Big White Creeper

2011-09-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie, my first date back into the single world was with a guy named Todd that my mom talked me into going out with. His pictures were distant and blurry so I was reluctant, but his profile was surprisingly witty and clever. He seemed like he had a great personality. After writing back and forth we eventually exchanged phone numbers. That's when he stopped sounding funny and started sounding creepy.

He asked me if I wanted to finally meet one night and I replied that I had just gotten home from work and all I was in the mood for was to veg out on the recliner and watch some TV. Todd's response? "I'll come over with some popcorn and cuddle on the recliner with you." Ew, no thanks. That was not an invitation. I ignore the comment and instead we set up a date for dinner and a movie later on in the week.

That night Todd texts me again at 12:30am asking what I'm up to. I tell him I'm in bed, hoping he'll get the hint and let me get some sleep for work. "Wish I was there," he said.

"I don't," I respond. Again, EW. We haven't even met and you want to cuddle and lay in bed with me? This is way creepy. At this point I'm really starting to regret my dinner and a movie date. I want to cancel it altogether but I convince myself that maybe he's trying to be sweet and I'm just making a big deal out of this. After all, this is the first time he's been creepy. He could be normal in person. I'll keep the date, but dinner and a movie is definitely too long for comfort now. Maybe just a movie. No, movies are dark and I'm a little afraid of him now. Maybe just dinner. Dinner can be too long. A drink? Coffee. Who roofies a coffee? Coffee it is. Operation: Scale Down Date, is in full swing.

Before date night rolls around I manage to downgrade it from dinner and a movie to just coffee. Todd teases me that it's because I want to make a quick getaway if he's weird. I don't deny it, I do laugh... nervously.

The time has come. Coffee. In a public place. With a possible creeper. I take comfort when I see several city police cars driving back and forth the area. All of this, however, ends up being an overreaction. Todd's nice and witty and funny, just like his profile. I notice throughout the date that he keeps tilting his head, kind of like when your neck is bothering you and you're trying to crack it. I feel bad so I ask him if he has a problem with his neck, thinking I had some tylenol I could give him.

"Kinda... we'll talk about it later," he said. Okay.

The date continues. So does the neck cracking. I'm distracted and having trouble focusing on his moving target of a head, the curiousity is killing me so I blurt out, "Seriously, what is wrong with your neck?!"

"You haven't figured it out yet?" he asks. No, I think to myself, I'm not a fricken mind reader. "I have a mild case of Tourette's."

Silence. I must look like a deer caught in the headlights, except I feel like an ass. All I can mutter is a quiet, "Oh..."

"Worst date ever!" he smiles and jokes. I'm not thinking that. Right now I'm thinking a lot of things but not that his Tourette's makes this the worst date ever. I'm thinking how awkward I feel. That his profile should have mentioned something about that... like a warning so you don't stick your foot in your mouth like I just did. My thoughts continue to race. Is this active all the time, or is it worse when you're nervous (like on a date perhaps)? Tourette's is hereditary right? So we'd have little Tourette's babies? No thanks, I'll adopt. I wonder if he's looked into the brain stimulator thing I saw on MTV. I can look past this, right? I can get over it, right? It's mild. It's not like he's blurting out racial slurs, cussing, or swinging his body around violently or anything. I mean, he's funny and nice and otherwise normal. This doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I attempt to move on.

The date continues. The topic of worst date comes up. It's my turn to tell a story. Geez, how do I choose? I decide to tell the one about the guy who rattled on and on about how sexual he is. "I'm a very sexual person. I like to try new things. I've read about the kamasutra and tantra. I'm about doing whatever feels good. If you want to say something racist, then say something racist!" I told him how confused I was by that conversation.

Todd has an idea what the guy meant, but he's torn whether or not he should tell me. This goes on for a while: "I don't want to offend you. Well.... Nevermind. I think he meant.... It's probably inappropriate. But... No, it could be offensive. Maybe he was talking about... forget it. Are you easily offended? Nevermind... I don't want to offend you... Fine, I'll just say it."

It's about time!

"So, my last girlfriend was black, right? And we were having sex and she yells out, 'I love your big white cock!'..."

Wait, is this really happening?

"...And I ask her, wait, can I say stuff like that too? She said yeah, so I say, 'I love your big black ass,' and I could tell she was really into it, ya know? So maybe that's what the guy meant when he said 'say something racist.'"

I'm stunned. Speechless even. The story wasn't offensive. It was just completely inappropriate. I'm pretty sure it's unacceptable on a first date to tell me about the dirty talk you had with your ex-girlfriend while having sex with her. In fact, it's probably not okay to talk about it on the second date, third date, fourth date, fifth date, or pretty much any date ever. He's waiting for a reaction, but I have no idea how to follow that story. Say something. Say. Something.

"Excuse me, we're closing in five minutes," the barista interrupts. Thank you! Thank you God for bringing me this angel barista! Get me the heck out of here!

"We should do this again soon," Todd smiled as we walked out. "I'm hungry, do you want to get some dinner?"

No thanks, Todd. I ate beforehand so I'll pass on dinner and your big white cock. But thanks for the coffee.

I'm Baaaaccckkkk

2011-09-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

So things with the cop didn't actually work out. I know, disappointing. Wait, did you know I was dating a cop? Well technically he's a deputy (sexy, right?), but yes we were together. I believe I mentioned him briefly in one entry, but that's it. Anyway, we broke up because our relationship was missing a key ingredient and after a year, that ingredient was still missing. It's okay though, it's been six months and we still occasionally hang out. No, it's not a friends-with-benefits type of relationship, get your mind out of the gutter. I know Hollywood has been trying to play that sort of thing up lately and make it sound like the newest and best way to find "the one," but that's just not me. And really, has that ever worked in real life? Maybe, but I don't know anyone who said that's how they met their Mr. Right. Then again, it would be embarrassing to admit that, "It all started when he decided I was only good enough to fuck... and the rest is history!" Not really award-winning wedding speech material, now is it?

Anyways, moving on...

He wants to make things work, and though I care about him and enjoy his company, during these last six months of being broken up, that essential ingredient is still nowhere to be seen. There are a ton of cliches I could throw out to apply to my situation: Help me help you! Meet me halfway! Actions speak louder than words. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Or as Dr. Phil always says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior," and I have 1.5 years of past behavior under my belt to show me that nothing is going to change, no matter how many times he promises me they will. So shortly after we broke up, probably within the same month, I restarted my account on the dating site, threw in some new pictures, updated some old info and viola! I'm single and ready to mingle again! Except without the enthusiasm haha.

And that's where you come in. It's been six months and though I haven't gone on nearly as many dates as I did the first time around, I still have some pretty good stories. Let the games begin!

Oh, Baby!

2010-03-23T13:24:00.001-07:00

Sigh. It's times like these where I wish I wasn't so quick to delete some of the messages I receive. It's hard to remember just how weird some of these people truly are, and I'd like to do them justice.

So, as you know I have two dating accounts. One is free and one is not. This close encounter took place on the free account. With that being said, at the end of your profile you're prompted to answer the question: You should message me if...

Basically, since it's free, I'm a little more relaxed with what I post. In this case, part of my answer says, "you've got to be taller than my younger sister."

My sister is tall for a girl (5'9"), but average for a guy so I think it's a fair request. Plus, something feels innately wrong about dating a guy who my "little" sister towers over, thus I refuse to do it. I'm only 5'2" and one of the perks of being that height is that you can wear heels with virtually any guy and he'll still be taller than you... however, this is not the case with most of the guys who message me. To be fair, once I gave it a shot and did go on several dates with someone who was *maybe* two inches taller than me. It just felt weird. When I hugged him my arms went around his shoulders instead of his waist, he didn't have to lean down to kiss me and I didn't have to stand on my toes to kiss him, and I never had to look up to talk to him. I don't know, I just don't like it! Probably because security is very important to me. I want a guy I can feel safe around- physically, emotionally, etc. And how I can feel safe around someone who's practically the same size as me? If anything goes down, I might have to protect him! Hey, I'm scrappy. Don't underestimate me.

Anyway, let me get back on topic. Often times, this "you've gotta be taller than my younger sister" becomes a conversation starter, which was the whole point. It's a nice way to tell a guy he's too short for me without using those words. Instead I'm saying, "My baby sister is taller than you!" lol Okay, I guess that's not much better. So, this guy messages me and asks how tall my sister is- normal- followed by a little less normal....It went something like this:

So what if your sister is taller than me? Who cares? The only ones that matter in this relationship are you and me. No one else's opinion matters. I don't know how tall your sister is, and I don't care. You're just going to have to deal with it. I think you're beautiful and funny and I like what I see. I want to have babies with you. Deal with that.

When are we going to meet up? Do you come to the city often? Let's get this ball rolling.

Hold on a second. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor.... Okay, got it. Now, why the hell is he talking about me like I'm already his girlfriend and WHY is he talking about babies?!?! Do guys just assume that the word "baby" is the key to our hearts and our pants? "OoOOoOo he said 'baby,' he must be real serious, he must love me!" Yeah, I'm not retarded... but I am a little scared. So what do I do? I reply of course!!!

I think I wrote something to him about not driving to the city that often and when I do I'm always a passenger because it's scary driving through there. I followed that with a comment that reflected my disinterest in having kids at this moment, but instead suggested a life filled with puppies!

This time I saved his reply, probably because I hoped he'd keep writing to me and this post would grow to massive proportions. It read:

Lucky for you, I have a car and I don't mind you riding shotgun all the time. You're such a pansy, driving in the city isn't that hard. :)

Yes, I want to have babies with you. I prefer puppies too. I just saw Marley and Me, so perhaps we get a dog first and then try to have kids.

So you live like 30 minutes from me... that's kinda manageable. Would you cry if you had to spend your weekends with me?

This guy cracks me up. Now we've gone from being in a relationship and having babies, to being in a relationship, having a dog, then having babies, and me spending the weekends at his place. Where did this guy get his crystal ball, because I think he should ask for a refund.

In any case, I replied again but never got a response and he has since deleted his account. Perhaps his fast moving lines worked on some baby hungry woman and by now they're shopping for cribs and crate training their lab. Meanwhile, I'm still single and that's okay. People who haven't read my blog sometimes ask me why I'm single. If you've read it, the answer is probably clear as a bell, but if not then the best and simplest answer I can give them is that I haven't found someone who deserves me. I'm looking for something serious. Someone who's serious about me... Not someone who's seriously weird. And I'm definitely not looking to be anyone's baby maker. Deal with it.

The Nerd

2010-03-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

So it's been about a month since my last post and I've gone on several dates, but none of them are blog material because they've all been really good! And funny enough, they're with the police officer I mentioned at the end of my "Ding!" post. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail about it because 1) I'm trying not to get too excited because after all, I went out with McHottie Drunk guy many times before he vanished into thin air and 2) you're not reading this because you want to hear about my good dates. Lucky for you, I do have some more "close encounters" to share.

First and foremost, let it be known that I like smart guys. Second, I also like guys who are a little dorky too. But, I don't like guys who have all of their test scores memorized. That's just strange, sad, and A LOT too nerdy for me.

After the innocent, "Hey, how are you?" exchange with Sam, came this weird statement: "I'm intelligent and motivated. My IQ's over 145 and under 150. I'm into technology and high tech stuff. Thank you, Sam"

Hahaha why is he telling me his IQ? That's random. Is that supposed to impress me? Because I think it's odd. Maybe it's a cultural thing, because based on his English, I don't think he's originally from the U.S.

I decide to investigate. I ask him if he took an IQ test and what country he's from.

His response is even nerdier. Apparently he takes an IQ test every year to see how he's improved. He even tells me the name of the IQ test he takes. I think this guy has too much time on his hands. Then he tells me he's originally from East India but he's lived here for a few years now. He asks how I know he's not from around here. Is it because he likes tech stuff?

What the heck is that supposed to mean? That Americans don't like tech stuff or it's too complicated for us? That comment is too stupid for words. Yes, I thought you weren't from around here because we Americans, don't like high tech stuff. Forget stores like Best Buy that have developed a way to profile someone who wants the latest and greatest, regardless of the cost. Forget Apple and how it's been the pioneer in some of the coolest gadgets recently. Sigh. Can you tell I'm slightly offended by that comment? Whatever, I'm probably reading too much into it and really, what's the point? He lost me at his IQ score.

I respond: No, most people talk about tech stuff. I can tell you're from a different country because of your English. Take care and good luck to you! (Goodbye #1)

Sometimes writing to someone on a dating site reminds me of a horror movie. Just when you think the conversation is over and dead and it's safe to move on, it's resurrected.

He writes me back wanting to know how does his nationality make a difference and why is it influencing our chemistry. I ignore him, but he persists. His followup message has even more tests scores. Oh goody...

(Disclaimer: The English in this message has been modified because I found it annoying)

I took the GRE without any prep and I scored 520/800. That's in the 70th percentile. Hang on, there's much more (Phew, I was worried for a second). I scored 92/100 on the TOEFL. What else would you expect me to be good at? It's just because I wrote my profile in harum-scarum (What the hell is that?? I look it up. The dictionary says it means "reckless." Whoa, now I think my IQ just jumped a point). Well, I've been working in the United States for three years and nobody has ever commented on how I speak or write (Yeah, because they know you're an immigrant). In fact, I sing rap all of the time. (Yes, because rap is notorious for proper English...) Now, I don't really have to give you an explanation, because I have other options, but since you seem to be a good match, I keep writing you. Good luck in your search. (Goodbye #2)

Sigh. Well I didn't want to offend him and make him self-conscious about his English. So I feel obligated to respond. I tell him my disinterest has nothing to do with his ability to speak or write English (lie). I've gone on several dates with someone else now and it's been going well and I want to see where it goes (true). And I think my account is about to expire (lie). Take care and thanks for your interest! (Goodbye #3)

And in true horror film fashion...

"You are charming and I like you a lot and I'm impressed. If you could give me a chance, you'll definitely find me interesting. We could hang out on a weekend or have lunch sometime and let's see what you say then. I know some messages were not constructive in the way they were addressed, but that doesn't reflect who/how I am and how I treat people. Looking forward to hearing from you."

I quit. I doubt I'll find your future discussions about test scores interesting so I'm going to pass on this weekend and lunch or any other date for that matter. And since I'm sick of finding nice ways to say "get lost" I think I'll just ignore you altogether.

Good luck, take care, thanks for your response and your interest.

Little Bo Peep

2010-02-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

Why is a girl writing to me? Did she just happen to veer off course in her quest for guys, stumble upon my profile, and decide that I look like good friend material? She wrote to me about board games, and I'm tempted to read her message, but first I need to check this chick out. I need to find out if she's lesbian or if she's just striking up an innocent conversation.

I check out her profile and first look at her photos. She's a dork. Nearly all of her photos are taken at an anime convention and she's dressed up, as what appears to be, Little Bo Peep. And she's kind of a dog. Long frizzy red hair, tall and skinny, with jacked up teeth and glasses. In fact, aside from the dress she doesn't look all that feminine. I glance at her basic info:

26/ M/ Straight/ Single

"M"? As in "male"?? Wait, wait, wait... He's wearing a pink dress in two of the pictures! In another he's wearing a pink track jacket... with a choker! This is just a case of classic ugly person syndrome, right? A transsexual didn't just message me, did he? I frantically go back to his profile and start to scroll down.

His headline: I am cute, transgendered, and cuddly

Oh my.

"I am an interesting and unique individual who doesn't follow the normal gender rules... The first things people usually notice about me are my height, my hair color, my glasses, or the fact that I'm transgendered... The six things I could never do without would be my computer, friends, religion, transgendered expression, and eyesight... The most private thing I'm willing to admit here is I'm transgender, but I don't plan on getting a sex change. Mostly because I realized it would create more problems and questions than it could ever solve.... You should message me if you love a guy who's not afraid to wear a skirt..."

Well, that solves that.

Now I feel bad. Not because he took an interest in me, I can't help it if he has good taste ;) Instead, I feel bad for him because it must be hard to find love. I can't imagine many straight girls being interested in a guy in a dress or a lesbian being interested in a girl with guy parts. Who's he supposed to be with? A transsexual woman who wants to be a man? Maybe there's a dating site for that... Curious, I check to see. Turns out they exist and there's quite a few actually. Maybe I'll send a few his way, because everyone deserves to be loved. Even if you do go to anime conventions.

The Ding! Guy

2010-02-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

At last, a guy messaged me who had all of the qualities I wanted and more! I called him "Ding! Guy" because after reading his first message I became so excited that I read it to my family and followed each positive thing he wrote with an enthusiastic "DING!"

He's 26- Ding!

He doesn't like sports- Ding!

He graduated from the same college as I did- Ding!

He was working towards his MBA- Ding!

Which he just completed a month-and-a-half ago- Ding!

He's 6'2"- Ding!

According to his whopping two photos he seems cute- Ding!

He has an older and younger sister- Ding!

His favorite place to vacation is Disneyland- Ding!

And Hawaii- Ding!

He works for Apple- Ding!

He's got his own apartment- Ding!

He has a degree in finance- Ding!

He doesn't like coffee- Ding!

He's not much of a drinker- Ding!

His favorite movie is the Indiana Jones trilogy- Ding!

I'm sure there was more, but as you can see my list of reasons to date this guy was growing fairly long, very fast. It took us a month to finally meet and by the time we decided to go grab coffee I was definitely excited. This guy seemed to be exactly like me! Is that a bad thing or a good thing? I failed to see the bad in it.

So we met and we both ordered hot chocolates and sat down to talk. I guess I was a pretty good date because he asked me out for the next night- dinner and a movie. As I drove home I had mixed feelings. Aside from the fact that he looked better in his photo than in person, he seemed to be awfully quiet. Even so, I was looking forward to date number two. A chance to really get a feel for his personality.

So he picked me up at my house (a nice touch I might add) and I intentionally tried to stay a little more quiet. I felt like on our last date I did most of the talking and that he didn't contribute much in terms of conversation to the date. I wanted to give him an opportunity to relax, open up, and bring something to the conversation table. The problem is, things remained pretty quiet.

"Describe your personality," I told him. He was confused. What did I mean? "Well, you seem to be pretty shy..." I started.

"Oh," he quietly inserted, "I can be shy."

Silence.

"So tell me about yourself then. I want to get to know you a little better." He looked like he was uncomfortable with that. "Would you rather have me interrogate you? I'm really good at questions," I suggested. He smiled. I waited. I guess that's a green light.

"Tell me about the craziest thing you've done," I said.

He proceeded to tell me of a time several years ago where he was dating an Asian chick and she invited him to an Asian party. He was the only white guy there and all of the Asians kept buying drinks for the "white guy." He laughed. He got really drunk and threw up five times. I waited for the crazy part but the story was over. Well that was disappointing.

"Okay, then tell me your most embarrassing story," I smiled. "Well... maybe not most embarrassing because no one wants to share that. How about AN embarrassing moment."

"Throwing up those five times!" he laughed. That's it? Really? Maybe this guy is so quiet because he's got nothing interesting to say. He's boring. Then he told me how everyone at his work was at least 20 years older than him and sometimes after work they'll go out for drinks and his coworkers will all buy him drinks. "For the quiet guy," he added. Oh great, they know him at work for being the quiet guy too? Well maybe he's new and just not comfortable with them yet, especially since they're much older. How long have you worked at Apple? "Two years," he said. Yeah... that's not it then.

The rest of the date continued like that and once we sat down in the theater we didn't speak at all, which I guess is alright since you're supposed to be quiet anyway, but I'm used to at least commenting on the previews like, "Oh that looks good!" or "That's gonna suck" but there was nothing. Just as well though.

As he was driving me back home I looked out the window, pretending to be consumed with the stars in the night sky or the homes we passed by, only to avoid feeling forced to generate more conversation to fill the awkward silence (which I'm sure he was used to). As he drove at a whopping 20mph on a 30mph road, I thought to myself, "You sure do drive slow for someone who claims to drive 100 on the freeway..."

As he pulled up to my house he hugged me goodbye and asked, "Well, am I too shy and quiet for you?"

"Well that depends. How long does it take you to open up and start talking more?"

He chuckled, "I don't know." That's it?! That's all you're giving me? A vague and crappy answer like that? How am I supposed to know if the magic number is date number three, three months, or if this is just how you are all of the time?! I thanked him for dinner and the movie and told him to drive safely back home and walked into the house a very disappointed girl. Disappointed that my "Ding!" guy was really a dud guy. That's okay though, I'm going bowling on Monday with a cop that wears cowboy hats to work, which at the very least, should make for another interesting blog, right?

DING!

Where's the Chemistry?!

2010-01-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gone on a date where you wished you liked that person, but for some reason you just didn't? "He's got all the qualities I need and everything I want... so why am I not into him?" Let me introduce you to chemistry: it's a bitch. It's there when it shouldn't be and missing when you need it.

I went on two dates with Cameron. They were... satisfactory. He's an air traffic controller ($$$), he has his own place, he's a gentleman, he's decent looking, respectful, and polite. He called when he said he would, he drove to my area even when I offered to meet him halfway, he picked up the tab, and he opened the door for me (car included). Without a doubt, he's a nice guy and I really like nice guys, so what was the problem??

The first date could have been better. We were supposed to meet at a Mexican restaurant he had chosen. Surprise, surprise, it was closed. Since he wasn't familiar with the area, I had to find another place nearby. We ended up eating somewhere my sister's boyfriend had recommended.

The date was alright. The conversation was decent, but I wasn't feeling a connection. Throughout dinner he seemed to keep complaining about cheese. I don't know why. Cheese is awesome. I love cheese. Who doesn't? I'm even lactose intolerant and that doesn't stop me. But Cameron was having cheese issues. First it was the cheese in his tortilla soup. It was giving him "problems," in other words, he couldn't get it on the spoon. Next it was too gooey. Then it was in his chimichanga which threw him for a loop. Then it tasted like velveeta. Is that what macaroni and cheese is made with? Because that's DELICIOUS! In any case, he proceeded to ask me about the cheese on my enchilada, which was fine by the way. Lastly, he ended the date with, "Well it was nice to meet you," which made me think this would be our first and last date, which was okay with me. Except he asked me on a second date.

I decided to go out with him the following week. He was a sweet guy, despite his possible cheese phobia, and I was willing to give him a second chance. Maybe the whole restaurant mix up made him stressed and nervous. This time he'll be more relaxed and comfortable. Maybe we'll click. We went out to dinner and a movie. I made it a point to ask him a lot of questions. I really wanted to get a sense of his personality- the key to chemistry. Still, by the end of the date I just felt nothing. He's a good guy and I wanted to like him, I truly did, but I didn't. Why???

"Is he funny? Every time I'm not attracted to a guy, it's because he wasn't funny," my sister suggested. Hm... let me think... no, he wasn't particularly funny. Is that why I wasn't attracted to him? Because he's not funny enough? Ugh, what should I do? Should I go on a third date with him? One last chance to see if a spark can ignite out of nowhere. It's date number two and the only feelings I have for him is guilt that I don't feel anything. I decided to pass and I sent Cameron a sweet little goodbye text, and of course, he responded like the sweet guy that he is.

Once I told my mom that I had said goodbye to Cameron, she made me feel bad. She had me questioning my decision. She thought I should have gone on a third date, because Cameron seemed to be everything I was looking for. Did I do the right thing? I wasn't against a third date, I just didn't think it was necessary. Not to mention, the thought of him moving in for a third date kiss did not generate good feelings with me. That was definitely a bad sign. Yeah, I think I did the right thing, but I decided to call my dad for some reassurance.

I told him that Cameron felt like a guy I'd be paired with in an arranged marriage: Cameron is a real nice guy. He treats me well, he provides for me, and he's loyal. And when he wants to get intimate I just think of something else. But I know I'll grow to love him, because all he wants is to make me happy.

"Fuck that shit!!" my dad said laughingly. Apparently if I felt that way, then I definitely did the right thing. My sister's response: If mom likes him so much, tell her to date him.

Since I was so confused about Cameron and our lack of chemistry, I decided to take a poll on Facebook and surprisingly got a lot of feedback from both guys and girls! Here are the results:

How many dates must you go on before you can safely say that there is no chemistry?

Veronica: I'd say you definitely know no later than the 3rd

Nick: I'm with Veronica. If you're still feeling zero at date 3, forget it.

David: Between 1 and 3

Kevin: 2 dates

Lauren: 3... but sometimes you know right away!

Andrea: I am thinking 2

George: I'd say two... At least for me

Stephanie: One!

Layla: One

Stephanie: Change my answer! 15 minutes! Super. Real!

Layni: lol, this is a pretty good poll! hahaha Hmmm... it depends, I agree with all! But c'mon, no more than 3 dates!!! =)

Heather: Two, cause the first time it may just be awkwardness over a first meeting

Lizzie: Within ten minutes of the first date

Adam: I think 10 minutes is right

Iker: I agree with Lizzie

Obviously, chemistry is pretty important in dating. Hopefully, my next date comes with some. Otherwise, I'll settle for some good cheese.

New Year, New Enthusiasm

2010-01-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! I realize it's been a while since I've posted something and even longer since I've written about an actual date versus a conversation with a retard. Anyhow, let me catch you up.

So, back in 2009 I was talking to two gentlemen. I was trying to schedule a first date with one and a second date with another (yes, that means there was a good first date!).

Mr. First Date's name was Aaron. At the beginning of the week it was decided that we'd meet at P.F. Chang's for dinner on Saturday 12/19. However, the day before our date he sent me an email saying he had to cancel because his mom had just informed him that she was throwing a Christmas party that night and would "kill him" if he didn't go. He said he felt badly because he never flakes, but maybe we could reschedule for Monday or Tuesday?

I'm not sure if I'm buying this "last minute party" story. Only because I think it's rather unreasonable for a mom to expect you to drop everything for a last minute party invitation. Plus, how do you not know about a family party that's important enough to warrant death threats? Couldn't he go to the party after dinner? I don't know. In either case, Monday and Tuesday wouldn't work for me so I wrote back to Aaron saying neither day would work but to have fun at his party. I never heard from him again. I wonder if his mom followed through...

Mr. Second Date's name was Keith. I had gone out to lunch with him a month before but then he had relatives visiting from out of town and he was going on vacation so it took a while before he had time to schedule a second date. We took a look at our calendars and decided that Saturday 1/2 would work for both of us. Well the days passed and I didn't hear from Keith in regard to Saturday's plans. Saturday came and went and still no word. Okay, so I guess I can scratch Keith off my list of possibilities. Several days later I get a text from him apologizing for standing me up. Apparently time got away from him and he didn't realize that our date night had passed. Keith, you only work three days a week. How does time get away from you? He said it was no excuse for not letting me know about Saturday. He's right, it wasn't, so I didn't text him back.

So, with a new year I have renewed hope in finding someone who is boyfriend material, because let's face it, if I really wanted a boyfriend I could have one. However, that would require a downgrade from my last model and I'm looking to upgrade. I'm looking for someone who's got his shit together. Someone who is already established and has a career (not just a job), someone who is responsible enough to pay his bills on time and not ask me for a loan, mature enough to realize he better save his money so he can buy Christmas gifts, and someone with enough morals to know that stealing from your employer is not an acceptable alternative. And lastly, I'd like someone who can read those last two sentences and think, "Well... duh!" These qualities were missing in my last relationship, and although he had an incredible personality and we got along wonderfully, I know that I can do better and I will do better. No longer does a sense of humor cut any ice, if you still have the mindset of a teenager and not a grown man then I have to bid you goodbye.

With that being said, since my membership to this dating site is about to expire, I decided to try out some other sites to see if there was something better out there. My good friend referred me to a free site, which I'm now a member of, and I also took advantage of a week long free trial at another site. So at one point in December, I was a member of three dating sites! How do I summarize the end of 2009? IT'S RAINING MEN! I guess that would explain why I didn't have time to write.

Today, I'm only a member of two. I was not impressed with the site that offered the free trial. By the end of the trial, I was communicating with maybe five guys outside of the site, but the thing is, because I was not a paying member they wouldn't allow me to view anyone's photos. I had no idea what these guys even looked like! Needless to say, the first time I sent them an email outside of the website, I promptly asked for a photo. Based off the photos I received, I ended all but one of the communications. Hey, let's not kid ourselves, looks do matter. I'm not going to date a muppet. These guys had great personalities and all of the other qualities I was looking for, but I'm not attracted to a guy who looks like the stereotypical nerd you see on TV shows. A guy who's a nerd at heart, that's cute, just don't look like one please.

Anyway, I have a date tonight (wish me luck), a potential date on Monday, and another date in the works! Let's just say 2010 is going to be the year of love... I can feel it!

The Jerk- Part 3

2009-12-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

Hello Jennell! I don't think I would call you "about average" darling! I know I am over 31 but hey... how's a man to resist? How are you and how is your week going? By the time ya get this, the status shall be TGIF!!!

Have not logged on in a few days and I came across your profile... had to at least say hi before I venture off to the couch and wind down! I'm in your area often, which may explain why ya look so familiar?!

Care to meet up next week?

Juan Carlos

Well that was nice, but Juan Carlos is 14 years older than me so I don't think so. Anyway, he'll understand. After all, the first line in his message acknowledges the fact that he knows he's too old for me. I sent Juan Carlos a polite, "No thanks." I'm sure he wasn't surprised... or not.

"Sorry but I prefer tall fit classy women! Good luck!" he writes.

Seriously, I am sick of this shit. These guys and their fragile egos. It's really pathetic. I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to accept that not everyone is going to like you. That's life! It's why we're paying for this service! Sure, it sucks when you get excited about someone and they don't share the same enthusiasm, but you shrug your shoulders and move on to the next page of matches. Do you really have to be a jackass about it and talk shit about someone? You are a grown man for crying out loud. Get it together. Girls hear this all the time, "You're going to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." Did men not get the same memo? Am I the only one who knows that rejection is a part of dating? What makes me angry isn't what they say, but the fact that they think it's okay to say anything mean just because you know it wouldn't work out. I'm here for me, for number 1, to meet who I want with the qualities I need. I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself.

I'm sick of these vindictive guys and I'm sick of reporting them, hoping that they'll be punished for their childish behavior. Juan Carlos, you've made me angry... You won't like me when I'm angry. It's time to fight fire with fire. The gloves are off. An evil smile emerges as I begin to type Juan Carlos a lovely little reply.

"Good luck to you as well!" I start, "I'm pretty sure assholes don't have much success on this site. And normally tall girls like tall men. Perhaps if you wear heels?" Jerk.

What Just Happened?

2009-12-16T18:05:00.000-08:00

Many months ago, there was a guy named Dexter who messaged me. He seemed like a nice guy, very polite, and we got to talking. After a couple of messages I asked him to tell a little about what he does for a living. Turns out, he was laid off earlier that day. He told me that understandably, now was not a good time for him to start dating since he needed to focus on finding a new job. Then Dexter left.

Several weeks ago Dexter found me again. He had a new job and was ready to give this a second try. Since it had been a while since I talked to him, I needed some refreshers. Once again, after several messages he asked if I'd be interested in going out.

"I'm new to this and I've never really done this before. So let's take this slow. Did you want to grab coffee or a drink sometime? Something simple? I'm new to this and I want to take things slow," explained Dexter.

Is Dexter some kind of pu**y? I don't know, something about that turned me off. "I'm new to this- I haven't done this before- let's take things slow." It just seemed like he lacked confidence and he was preparing me for a bad date, hoping that I'll cut him some slack for being a newbie. Guess what? Have you gone on A date before? Then you're not new to this. And how is coffee or a drink taking things slowly? Isn't that normal speed? Maybe Dexter is just a nice guy who's shy and cautious, but I'm no longer looking forward to this meeting. I feel like the man in this pretend relationship already. I feel like I should give him a pep talk: Don't worry Dexter, everything will be okay. Just be yourself! Anyhow, I decided to stick it out. Even if he sounds like a bit of a coward, he still seems like a genuinely nice guy and I do like nice guys.

He asked me to set up a date, place, time etc. so I did. I waited for confirmation of sorts. A day or two later he responded, although not in the way I anticipated.

"Hey Jennell, I'm sorry but the more I think about it, I don't think we're really all that compatible. You seem a lot more outgoing than me, and you probably want someone older and richer than I am. Anyways good luck with everything and have a nice life."

What just happened? And where did this age and money thing come from? haha I'm at a loss. All I can say is I guess Dexter is braver than I thought! Otherwise he just chickened out.

Common Sense

2009-12-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Don't lie to me about something you know I'm going to find out sooner or later. You don't want my first impression to be that you're a liar. Lying on a website designed to find dates and relationships is just plain stupid.

Example 1:

One guy had on his profile that he was a pharmacist. After talking with him, he said that he works at two or three different pharmacies. This sounded like a guy who didn't have much free time on his hands, let alone time for a relationship. Then he confessed, "Well, I'm not really a pharmacist yet. I'm still in school and I haven't gotten my license yet." Yeah, being a student and being a pharmacist are two different things. Studying to be a pharmacist is respectable. Pretending that you already are one is not.

Example 2:

Posting confusing pictures of yourself. One guy winked at me but I had to reject him because I had no idea what he looked like! Don't get me wrong, he had lots of photos, but they were always of the same group of friends over and over again. He didn't have any photos of just himself. I had no idea who he was amongst all these guys, which I guess was the point. He didn't want people to know who he was. He rather have them hope he was the best looking guy in the photo. Instead, I assumed he was the worst looking guy in the photo. Otherwise if he was okay with how he looked, he would have at least posted a couple of solo pics, right?

Example 3:

Posting old pictures of yourself. Pictures of when you were thinner. Much thinner. I was supposed to meet a guy at a bowling alley. I walked right past him because I didn't recognize him! I only stopped because he called my name. He was at least 30 pounds heavier than what his photos showed. He was overweight. Then I guess his pants were too big (maybe he used to weigh more!) because occasionally when he'd go to throw the ball, his butt crack would make an appearance. That's not sexy. Come on guys! Wear a belt or something. You have to know that when it's your turn to bowl, all we can see is your ass, right? Girls know that. It's why we don't wear skirts when we bowl. The guy was perfectly nice and we had fun, but it was a waste of a date because I wasn't attracted to him. When I got home I checked his profile again to read his description of his body type. "About average" it said. Yeah. Only because America has an obesity epidemic.

Come on guys, what's the plan here? Are you hoping to lure us in with your witty conversation so by the time we meet you and the truth comes out, we'll be able to ignore the fact that you lied to us from the get-go? Lying from the start is a big red flag. I want someone I can trust, someone I can believe. Not a big fat liar, no pun intended. Use your common sense!

Too Dumb

2009-11-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

I don't sign on to my account every day. I often wait for messages and winks to build up over time before I log on and respond. I logged on one day and saw a message that read, "I guess you lost interest. That's too bad, because I was looking forward to meeting you."

"Oh crap!" I thought, "Maybe I should log on more often. He thought I was blowing him off!" As I began to write my response apologizing for my delay, I glanced at our message history. Turns out I wrote him back a week ago and he never responded until now, asking if I had lost interest. What the heck? Stupid. I deleted my, "I'm so sorry" beginning and replaced it with, "I didn't lose interest. I replied to your message a week ago and you never responded. Take a look at the message history below."

He never wrote back.

Another time, a 31-year-old cop sent me a wink. I winked him back. Then he wrote me a message. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was something simple like, "Hey, how's it going?" The next message he sent was also simple. "Hope you had a good weekend." Tired of these superficial one-liners, I tried to give a more detailed response hoping to spark more of a dialogue.

"My weekend was busy but fun-filled! Friday my sister's boyfriend was competing in Battle of the Bands so the family and I went to watch him play and support him. His band won! Saturday I went out to dinner and a movie with a friend. We saw 2012. And Sunday I went to a coworker's baby shower. Did you do anything fun over the weekend? You seem to be a man of few words, hopefully you'll write back with more than just a sentence this time! ;)"

He didn't respond.

Lastly, after Halloween I decided to post a few new pictures on the dating website. For Halloween, I went out with my BFF to a bar and we got all dressed up and took some cute photos. I posted up a photo of me in my old west sheriff costume as well as a group photo: me= sheriff, my BFF= devil, and her sister-in-law= 80's girl.

Well this guy writes me a message in which he asks me if I like country western music. "I saw your cowgirl outfit. Have you gone to many country western concerts? When did you get dressed up like that?" Come on! In the photo I'm wearing a gun holster and a sheriff's star. And what about the other photo where I'm standing with the devil and the 80's girl? What the hell concert is that? Retard.

I wrote him back with, "Actually, I don't like country music, with the exception of a few songs, so I've never been to a country concert. Haha I'll give you a hint, the last time I dressed up like that was exactly one week ago..."

That was the last I heard from him.

No biggie, they were too dumb for me anyway.

The Jerk- Part 2

2009-11-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

You knew there had to be another one, right? This guy went a little overboard. He winked me, messaged me, AND sent me a phone number request all at once. As usual, I took a look at his profile before responding but immediately knew he wasn't for me. I sent him a polite "no thank you" to his wink, a "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match" to his message, and declined his phone request.

The next day he sent me another message, "Sexy how are ya?" which had me wondering- is that even a sentence??

Maybe he didn't know that I already rejected him three times the day before, but he must've figured it out because five minutes later he sent me this: "I am trying to give you ugly girl credit but you sux." Oh dear. I think I'm going to cry. Not because he called me ugly, but because he wrote "sux."

I smiled as I reported him to the website. Why would you join a dating site if you can't handle rejection? Clearly, not everyone registered is going to be interested in you. If it were that easy, there wouldn't be a site to begin with. Perhaps you'd have more luck if your photos didn't look like mug shots. There's this thing called smiling and girls like it. Also, try acting your age and not your shoe size. Calling me "ugly" because I politely declined your advances doesn't make me regret my decision. If you can't take rejection, maybe you should try a strip club. All you need is a wallet full of singles and all the girls will like you. Unfortunately for you, this is the real world and I'm not going to pretend to be interested. I didn't pay $100 to waste my time and neither did you. Welcome to the dating world. It's not all rainbows and butterflies. Oh, and by the way, your English sux.

Is the Economy that Bad or Just You?

2009-11-10T21:39:00.000-08:00

On Monday I went out with an ultrasound tech. Again, we met through the site, talked on the phone, and he asked me out for a drink or meal. I suggested Jamba Juice. We met there and after reading the menu, I turned to him and said, "Well, I know what I want whenever you're ready."

"Okay," he said, "You buy yours first."

Sigh. Not again. Bad sign. You ask me out on a date, but you don't want to treat? You have some redeeming to do.

I ordered my drink and the cashier asked if that would be all. "Yes," I said, "Just that." As I reached for my wallet, she asked Trent for his order.

"That'll be $8" she read. Clearly she combined the two orders (I'm glad someone knew that he should pay). Confused about what to do, I grabbed some cash and looked up to see him hand her a debit card. Before I had time to think, Oh thank God, I just misunderstood, Trent looked at me, sighed, shrugged his shoulders and uttered, "Oh well."

Wow. Was that necessary? If you didn't look cheap before, you certainly do now. You should've just played it off, like you were going to pay all along.

We walked outside and sat at a table. I think we talked for a little over an hour. It wasn't that good. The problem was that he spoke like he didn't care about anything- like he was completely disinterested with any and all topics of conversation. There was no emotion in his voice so I couldn't tell if the date was going well or not. Does he like me? Doesn't he? I had no idea, but I didn't really care. It was a "no" the moment he told me to buy my own smoothie. As the date ended and we walked back to our cars, I gave him a hug and thanked him for the Jamba Juice.

"Well, I was kinda forced into it," he replied.

Oh my gosh. Was it so bad- having to pay four bucks for my drink? Now that I think about it, I'm not that surprised at his off-color comment. He told me during a phone call that he came out of his shell about a year and a half ago and he's just learning how to talk to girls (he's 25 too, mind you). Well it's safe to say he has more to learn. Am I old fashioned to think a guy should pay when he asks a girl out on a date? If he can't afford a smoothie, then he has bigger problems than finding a girlfriend and he shouln't be spending $100 to join a dating site.

The next evening as I was leaving work, I noticed that he sent me a text message: So, do you think there'll be a second date?

HAHAHA No! This guy is cheapskate. And if it's this obvious now, then I can't imagine what a relationship would be like with him. I have another uncle who's been married to his wife, Sarah, for 7 years now. At the last family get-together, my mother noticed that Sarah finally had a wedding ring. When my mom commented on how lovely it was, Sarah confessed that my uncle wouldn't buy her a ring so she bought one herself. That's sad but I bet that's exactly how Trent would be. How much do you want to bet that not paying for the first date is just the tip of the iceberg?

Some guys will argue that they won't pay for only the first date. Their rationale is that it's too soon to be sure she's worth the money. I find that offensive. You ask us out on a date, and while we determine that you're worth the time, you're not so sure we're worth the money. Then why are you taking us out? Perhaps the first date should be free then- like a trip to the beach. Then you save yourself money and we won't think you're a douchebag.

Anyway, back to Trent. At the advice of my friend, I replied to Trent's text about a second date saying, "I don't know, you seemed pretty upset about having to pay for my Jamba Juice." This way, if he had a legitimate reason for not wanting to pay, he could vindicate himself.

Alas, this was not the case. He texted me back saying, LMAO! Only if you didn't say thank you. Then I would have called it off. I didn't care about that because it was her bad (the cashier). Plus it was 4 bucks. Phhh. It would be totally different if it was the first date and dinner.

I'm pretty sure he's speaking chicken right now, because all I hear is CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP. But the text was kind of confusing. Would it be different if the first date was dinner because he'd pay? Or would it be different because then the bill would be more than four bucks? I decided to email him just to make sure I wasn't misjudging him.

If the bill was something bigger than it was, I wouldn't have paid full for it. So everything was A-okay. I know you thought about paying for yourself after the total came up. So now it's up to you if you would like to go on a second date.

Normally I wouldn't do this, but I decided to respond honestly, hoping maybe Trent could learn a thing or two about dating. Since he's new to girls and all.

I wrote him, "No thank you. When a guy asks me out on a date but doesn't want to treat, it's a big turn off for me. Even broke guys have refused to let me pay for myself. Good luck on your search though and congratulations on passing your certification test!" I tried to leave things on a positive note- I'm not a bitch- but minutes later I already had a new message from him and he wasn't happy.

Wow. I thought you were different than the rest of the girls. That's good that we stopped it. Because I'm looking for an independent girl. Good luck on YOUR search.

Okay, first off, "we" stopped it? No, that would be me who stopped it, because you're cheap. Second- do you think independent women don't like chivalry? That they don't want a guy who shows some initiative or puts in an effort? Or were you under the impression that independent women find men who complain about paying for their drink irresistibly sexy? I was trying to be nice, I was trying to give some constructive criticism, but his reply made me angry. Okay, the gloves are coming off.

"Well I'm sure the 'rest of the girls,' including the independent ones, will all agree that they don't want to date a cheap guy. Especially one who declares he was 'forced into' paying for a $4 drink."

Goodbye Ebenezer... and scrooge you.

A Controversial Comment

2009-11-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

This is a comment that was meant for my "Clueless" post. I thought it was humorous, and those of you that know me, will see why. So instead of publishing it as a comment, I've decided to publish it as its own post! Perhaps some of you will have your own opinions on the subject.

Hi There,

I totally understand how this guy is coming off as needy and that is an absolute turn off. But here is my take on relationships and dating. I think preferences is a veil to cover up the deeper issues this society is infested it tied to race. People get away with absolute impunity by attributing their attraction buttons to preferences. But statistically a majority of the global population has a preference for caucasians. I understand why. Non caucasian women prefer them because they complain that their men do not treat them well and do not respect them well. But 21st century has seen a lot of changes. Despite that non-caucasian women try to lighten their skin or get double eyelid surgeries. So what could be the obsession with caucasian men? Well it is indeed their power and global dominance. This perception made the world think that blue eyes blonde hair is the symbol of power and beauty. Hence the preference. In other words when a non-caucasian woman claims to have a preference for caucasian men the unconscious reasoning is obvious as described in this post. Also it implies that they are self-hating i.e. hatred towards their own genetics, ancestry, parents and absolute zero collective self-esteem

My response to Yogami:

I'm white.

Too Picky?

2009-10-29T21:09:00.001-07:00

I think I'm pretty good about being open minded when it comes to dating. I've had boyfriends who were partially deaf, overweight, a Persian immigrant, and three years younger. I've also gone on many decent dates with guys not mentioned here, like Dr. Roboto (a physician that talked like a robot), so they're not all bad. And lastly, I've dated all the "winners" you've read about.

Surely you don't think I was too picky when it came to these gentlemen, do you? Do any of them sound like boyfriend material to you? A threatening, needy, self-centered, cheap, very sexual, paranoid, clueless smoker with a tail? If so, then you should try online dating! ;) Seriously though, judging by the comments posted by guys and girls alike, I'm not the only one who'd give these guys a thumbs down.

Let me just say that of all the guys I've written about, the only guy I refused to date again was The Runner. Why? Because the rest of them never contacted me again for another date. That's right, they rejected me, which is fine because the feeling was mutual. But, even my decent dates didn't amount to second dates, which I attribute to a lack of connection. However, if I had the chance, I would've liked to see if a second date was better. So again, how can I be picky when in essence, all of these rejects rejected me?

I know everyone has their flaws. Come on, I loved someone I was never physically attracted to, so I know a thing or two about acceptance. The difference is, you need to know what you can live with and what you can't. And if you're not true to yourself about what you need, then your relationship won't last. You'll break up, you'll divorce, whatever. Ask my uncle. He tried to convince himself he could live with a slob. As Dr. Phil would say, "And how's that working out for ya?"

You can't convince yourself to tolerate someone's flaws because you'll fail. And you can't change someone either. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You either accept them or you don't. And if these guys I've blogged about act like this on the first date, when they're supposed to be on their best behavior, then I dodged a bullet. Because you know it's not going to get better than this.

Dating and relationships are about refining your taste. Learning about what you like and what you don't like and the difference between your needs and your preferences. You become more selective, you discover what you can get and realize what you deserve. People may think I'm too picky, but 50% of married couples divorce. Perhaps if people were more selective about their company, the statistic would be better.

I don't think I'm picky, but I do have standards. I hate being in a loving relationship but also knowing that you can do better. It's interesting because I think I've, in some way, inspired people to leave their boyfriends. In my last relationship, my boyfriend didn't seem to have any interest in improving himself. "The goal of life is to grow." For a year I tried to encourage him to go to school or invest some time and education into finding a career. What I need is an equal, a partner, someone on my level. I'm not your mom, your maid, or your caretaker. I want someone who could take care of me. Unfortunately, he was content with the status quo (working as a salesperson in a retail store, which is okay for a teenager or as an after school job, but it's no career) and because I was honest with myself about what I needed, I left. That was incredibly hard for me because I know he has great potential and I was deeply in love with him, but I know in the long run it wouldn't work out. Strangely enough, it seems like unmotivated boyfriends are quite common now. After I broke up with my boyfriend and discussing it with friends, they ended up breaking up with their boyfriends for the same reason. Then after talking about online dating, several people signed up too. Coincidence? Possibly, but I like to think that my experience helped them in some ways too.

So again, am I being too picky? I really don't think so, but even if I am- who cares? I'm only 25 and like I said, I originally signed up for this dating site to see what's out there and for the social experience, because at the time I registered I had just broken up and was still clinging to the hope that my ex would get his shit together- which he has not. I'm young and I'm having fun, and good date or bad, this has definitely been an interesting experience! I'm definitely enjoying making new friends and meeting new people and the only time I'm lonely is when I'm watching Smallville's Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley) on TV. He's dreamy, and unfortunately married in real life, but it doesn't stop me from yelling "Date me!" when he's onscreen. Especially when he's topless. :-D

Anyway, I'm confident the right guy for me is out there and when we meet, he'll be glad I was "picky" enough to wait for him.

I Want Your Sex

2009-10-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Sean's a nice guy. He's cute, sweet, and fun. I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him. He was charming and funny and after each date I liked him more and more, until I noticed his hang-ups: sex and affection.

Sex:

We talked about sex right away (date #3?), mainly because he said sex was the reason his last three relationships (3 years each) failed. Girl #1 never wanted to have sex. Girl #2 wanted to have sex all the time. Girl #3 wasn’t spontaneous, was routine and boring, and would lay there like a dead fish. Okay, I get it. Those are good reasons for breaking up. I assured Sean that I was not like those girls. He seemed to have dated some extremes- but I’m normal. I thought acknowledging his concern would have been good enough. I know what he wants, I fall under that category, that ends that. I guess I was wrong, because the topic of sex came up on each date thereafter, which made me uncomfortable.

Sean was my friend from Facebook, so he’s read my blog. I say, “was” because he removed himself as my friend. My “T.M.I.” blog offended him since he was one of those guys who told me he’s a very sexual person (not the “say something racist!” guy though). So besides the, “I’m a very sexual person,” comment he also told me that he didn’t see anything wrong with McHottie Drunk Guy and Idaho guy, when it came to them trying to sleep with me. Just to recap, McHottie Drunk Guy told me it wasn’t safe for me to drive home as he threw pajamas at me, after I already drove his drunk ass 2 hours back to his place. Idaho Guy asked me if I wouldn’t mind staying the night on what would’ve been our second date, because he was planning to drink wine that evening.

You’re right, Sean. There’s nothing wrong with that... if you’re a whore! Sex is only a negotiation if you’re a hooker. If you have to talk a girl into sleeping with you, then you’re doing something wrong.

Another time Sean told me that he hates it when girls act like sex is a privilege. My reply, “Well, what is it then?” Definition of privilege: 1) a special right available only to a particular person or 2) something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure. Yup, that sounds like sex to me. If you think sex is a right, then let me introduce you to Palmea Handerson and Mrs. Hoover.

Sean also implied that he was taking things slowly with me, otherwise by now he would’ve put the moves on me.

Taking things slowly? We’ve only been on five dates! “Five dates is a lot! That’s a long time!” he said. What? In what world is five dates a long time? Thank you, I guess, for taking it “slowly.”

He cut to the chase. His opening statement: Basically, if he wanted to have sex, he could. But he prefers to sleep with someone he cares about. And he cares about me.

My reply: I would only have sex with someone if I was in a relationship with him. I want to know that we have loving feelings for each other. I don’t want to end up with a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” kinda guy.

His rebuttal: Modern relationships aren’t like that. You don’t have to be in a relationship to have sex. Two people can care about each other and have sex while things move towards a relationship.

This is true. Nowadays people have sex without being committed to each other. People have sex without being in love. There’s even friends with benefits. My views are not modern; however, most women are loose and most men are man-whores. It’s tough to be a girl with morals, but luckily I have excellent willpower. Just don’t tempt me with chocolate ;)

After finishing his speech about modern-day sex, he sat there staring at me. “Well??” he said.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked. I mean, I already told him my viewpoint so I don’t care what he thinks. It’s not going to get him in my pants.

“I want you to say, ‘I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, and I’d like to join you in your way of thinking.”

I laughed. “I understand what you’re saying, Sean. I see where you’re coming from, but it’s not going to happen.” He wants to have sex with me now? Tough shit. Just because his last three girlfriends weren’t sexually compatible with him, doesn’t mean he gets to test the waters with me. I’m not a car you can just test drive. Sex IS a privilege. You have to EARN it. If and when I’ll sleep with you is not a negotiation.

Affection:

Sean was very affectionate. I'm not complaining, I like that. I’m just not a touchy-feely kind of person. I think that's an innate characteristic- one I simply don't possess. Don't get me wrong, I love the affection that comes with a relationship, but being touchy-feely and being affectionate are two different things. I like to hug, kiss, cuddle, and hold hands, but I’m not the girl who hugs her friends as we greet each other and you’ll never see me hold a girl’s hand ever. I’m just not that girl.

In fact, all of my boyfriends have been more affectionate than I am. And by more affectionate, I mean that they initiate about 80% of the affection. I am; however, an eager participant so I’ve never received any complaints.

Many guys are more gradual with their affection, because they’re feeling out the situation. Then by the time they reach for your hand or go in for a kiss, you’re so excited because you’ve been waiting for it. I love that feeling. There’s a quote in Grey’s Anatomy that says it quite well:

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.

Ah. Well-said, Alex Karev. Unfortunately, I never had a chance to build that kind of anticipation with Sean because he was so forthcoming with his affection. He was always holding my hand, giving me hugs, kissing me, had his arms around me, putting my arms around him… we were always touching. At this point I was still getting to know him so I wasn’t comfortable enough to reciprocate his affection.

One afternoon, I was on my way to have lunch with a friend when I got in a car accident. In the words of the other driver, my car was “all fucked up.” My car had to be towed and ended up needing $9,000 worth of repairs and two weeks in the shop. Thank God for deductibles! When I finally got home Sean was online and asked me how lunch was. When I told him I never had lunch, the sweetheart offered to bring me a sandwich, candy bars, and a hug (too cute) and he did. He even drove me to pick up a rental car. However, during the drive as he reached for my hand, Sean threw a tantrum of sorts.

“Why is it that I’m always the one to hold your hand and you never reach for mine?” he asked me. Before I could even respond he tossed my hand away, put that hand on the steering wheel, and leaned away to distance himself from me.

Amazing. I just got hit by a car 2 hours ago and Sean expects me to be concerned about holding his hand? I was stunned. Was he kidding? I asked him if he was serious. He was. Still shocked, I reminded him that I’m not as affectionate as he is.

“Well you better be, otherwise this will be the shortest relationship of your life.”

I was stunned. My day was shaping up nicely- car accident and threatened in one day. We’ve only been on five dates and he’s already given me an ultimatum. He’s threatening to end a relationship we haven’t even begun. As if I’m really thinking about his needs right now. I’m still shook up about being hit by a car! I think that threat just cancelled out the meal and the ride to Hertz. At this point I didn’t know what to do. He was silent, waiting for me to hold his hand, so I did.

He threw this tantrum another time too. I had enough. While smiling I sarcastically said, “Let me just say, that hours after I got in a car accident, you threatened me when I didn’t go to hold your hand.”

“I didn’t threaten you,” he said. I reenacted the car scene for him. He smiled, “I guess that might be perceived as a threat.”

I ran my hands up and down his arms and chest as I added, “As if I should always be thinking: Am I touching Sean enough? Should I touch Sean more? Does Sean need to be touched?”

“First of all, you should always be thinking, ‘Am I touching Sean enough?’” he smiled. I have to admit, that was kind of cute.

Anyway, I think he got the point, because after that he never talked to me again. It’s just as well, I went from looking forward to our dates to feeling uncomfortable and dreading another conversation about sex or hand holding. In my opinion, Sean was the one with the problem, not me. He wanted me to be on his time table and was trying to force things between us instead of letting them come naturally. My coworker said to me yesterday, “All men want is a receptacle to put their penis in.” Maybe that’s all Sean wanted too… if the receptacle can hold his hand.

T.M.I.

2009-10-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's a new line or what, but if one more guy tells me he's "a very sexual person," I think I'm going to vomit.

I don't know what they're thinking... well actually, I do. They're thinking about sex. But what makes them think it's appropriate? I can't think of a single situation where it's necessary to share that, so please don't. It just makes you seem creepy for bringing it up. And it makes me wonder: Should I have brought my pepper spray?

I've encountered this statement several times recently and each time I become more dumbfounded. Why is he telling me this???

Here are my theories:

a) They want me to know that they like to have sex.

Well no shit, Sherlock. I think it's safe to say that 99% of men like sex. We know that already. Did you think it was a secret?

b) They want me to know that they masturbate a lot.

I hope that's not the reason.

c) They're a sex addict.

Well that would explain why they felt compelled to tell me that. It's a warning! "I'm a very sexual person" isn't just a line- it's a disease! (Side note: did you know a nymphomaniac is a woman and a satyriasis is a man? I just thought we called them perverts haha)

d) They want to have sex with me.

Maybe they're looking for some kind of reaction or response. Something that tells them they're probably getting laid. Or something that gives them the green light to put the moves on me. Or maybe it's like a disclaimer: I'm very sexual so don't hold my actions against me.

Those are my theories. They sound kind of stupid, right? That's because they are. I don't need to know about your sex life, it's just a date. This could be our last one, in which case, I don't care how sexual you are! However, if this is the beginning of a relationship, then what's wrong with finding out when the time comes? Is this really that important that we need to discuss it on date 1, 2, or 3? Right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want to see you again, not if I want to sleep with you.

Not only am I confused because I don't know why they're bringing it up in the first place, I'm also confused because I don't know how to respond. What do they want me to say? "Oh, that's great! I'm very sexual too!" or "I wouldn't know, I'm saving myself for marriage." Yeah, no. I'm not going to contribute. At least one of us should know that this topic is weird and clearly it has to be me. Maybe this is normal date discussion if you're easy, slutty, or a prostitute. Then you either don't care, are excited by it, or it's music to your ears: cha-ching, cha-ching! To the rest of us, it's probably a red flag.

One guy told me that he's a very sexual person and then sat there staring at me, waiting for a response. Obviously, "okay" wasn't good enough. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say to that. "I'm happy for you?" Maybe he was looking for, "Thank God! Now take off your pants!"

The second time it came out of nowhere. The guy was talking about how he wished his last girlfriend was more interested in personal growth and self-improvement. When I asked for an example as to how he thought she should grow, he said, "Well, I'm a very sexual person. I'm excited to try new things, new positions... if you want to say something racist, then say something racist!" ...Wait, what are we talking about? Personal growth, sex, or racial slurs? I'm confused and a little disturbed.

Anyway, let me get back to the statement itself: I'm a very sexual person. If you're on a dating site, then hopefully you're paying for more than just a casual fling. Hopefully you're looking for a lasting relationship. This statement immediately casts you in a different light. Instead of a woman thinking- this is a guy looking for someone special, she thinks- this is a guy looking for sex. Why else would he bring it up? Immediately she's turned-off, which is ironic if it was meant to be a turn-on. Congratulations gentlemen, you have just lost some points and our creep meter has moved from green to yellow.

Sex is an important part of a relationship. I think most people can agree upon that. But if this is an attempt to see if someone's a sexual match, then there are more discrete ways of finding out. However, you won't know for sure until you do the deed and that will happen if/when the time is right. And no, there are no test drives. When is a good time to talk about sex? When you know you're going to have it. If you bring it up too early, chances are it's not going to happen because you've either made me uncomfortable, creeped me out, or now I think you're a man-whore. So let's do each other a favor and just keep it to yourself. I'll assume you enjoy sex, would like to have it often, and in a variety of ways. You can assume I already know that. And we can both go on and enjoy our date. But please, don't tell me you're a very sexual person, especially when we're getting to know each other. That's just too much information.

The Dog Lover

2009-09-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

Brendan was supposed to be a good match. The site picked him out for me and I thought they did a pretty good job. He looked good and he sounded good so I went in for a closer look. This sounds like a pretty decent guy. A guy who's got his act together. I think I'd like to get to know him a little better, so I sent him a wink.

Apparently Brendan wasn't registered on the site so he couldn't reply to my wink, but that didn't stop him. He actually found me on MySpace and soon afterwards he was my friend on MySpace and Facebook. Unfortunately, I had a bit of a brain fart and I added him to the wrong Facebook account. You see, I have two Facebook accounts. One is for family and the other is for friends. I like to keep the two separate, then I don't have to think too much about what I should and shouldn't write and what pictures I should and shouldn't post. Anyhow, I added Brendan to my friend account, which also happens to be the one where I post my blog URL and announce my blog updates. As you can imagine, I was mortified when he left me a comment regarding the blog. The blog where I bash all of my bad dates with the guys I meet from the site. OH SHIT- is exactly what I was thinking.

Luckily, it seemed like he thought it was at least mildly amusing and he claimed to have "thousands" of similar experiences so I eventually recovered- though not before I switched him over to my family Facebook account where there was no mention of any blog or dates whatsoever.

Well it turns out that Brendan knows my sister's classmate and did some investigating. He was asking this girl, Mary, about me. Too bad I have no idea who Mary is, so Mary isn't going to know squat about me. But girls talk, so Mary of course told my sister who told me that Brendan was doing some digging. Mary also said that Brendan told her to "put in a good word for him." I asked my sister what Mary said about him and I kept that in mind.

When I got home, I had an email from Brendan. It was flattering I guess. He said that when he saw I had winked at him, he took a look at my profile and really liked what he saw. He was determined to find me, and if he couldn't find me on MySpace or Facebook, then he was going to pay for a membership, just so he could take me out. Then he said, "I'm not sure how many conversations you want to have online before you feel comfortable enough to give me your phone number or to let me take you out. Let me just say that I'm definitely interested, so here's my number and whenever you're ready to meet, let me know."

I gave him my phone number and the next evening he called me. He talked a lot about himself. He said he moved away from home when he was 17 to go to college, but after 1-2 quarters he decided it wasn't for him. Instead he started his own business, which was pretty successful, because "when he knows what he wants, he works really hard, and he always gets it no matter what." He also started a band in which he was the singer. He said they were very popular in the area and had a record deal, came out with a CD, were played on the radio, and had about 2,500 followers. The band didn't last very long so afterwards he mentored other bands and let them use his recording studio at home. He said he helped several bands get their start and improve their music. Five years later he sold his business and moved back to his hometown where he bought a condo above a shopping center. Within the next five years he had bought two condos and a house. He lives in one condo and rents the other two out. He also purchased two dogs for $1500 each. When I commented at the expense, he replied, "Not really. I guess it's a matter of perspective." Basically he came off cocky.

On a positive note, Brendan definitely sounded like he had his shit together, but it also seemed as if he was trying to impress me with how successful he was. He hardly asked me any questions. In fact, he only asked me two, and his replies were rather derogatory. He asked me a)whom do I live with? and b)do I like to drink? When I answered "my family," and "I'm not much of a drinker, but I do have a drink occasionally," he responded with a critical, "Why????"

At that point I felt like he actually wasn't trying to impress me. It seemed like he just liked talking about himself. I guess he thinks he's pretty terrific. Bla bla bla I started my own business bla bla bla I had my own band bla bla bla other bands flocked to me for help bla bla bla I own three residences bla bla bla I own two purebred, show-quality dogs that I paid $3K for... Oh! And he even talked to his dogs when we were on the phone. I didn't mind, I do that sometimes too, but this is what he said to his dog- Why would I want a girlfriend when I have you? - Um.... okay.... He also described in detail five or so other dating sites he's tried and how I should join all of them. Uh, thanks?

When I hung up I remember thinking: there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence and he stepped over that line. I figured maybe he was just nervous. Perhaps he'd be more relaxed on our date and things would be different.

That weekend I drove to his place and I met his dogs. One was an 8 week old puppy who was adorable. What puppy isn't, right? The plan was to grab lunch and walk around the local shopping center. Brendan asked me if it was alright to bring the dogs. He said he'd like to take them out because they haven't been outside all day, but the bad thing was they'll get a lot of attention. Well I have no idea what a lot of attention is, so I left it up to him. He chose to take the dogs.

We get to the shopping center and we have lunch outside at this cute little restaurant. No sooner did we sit down when I began to see what he meant by "a lot of attention." I felt like I was dining with a celebrity. We could hardly finish a sentence let alone a conversation without someone interrupting to ask about the puppy.

Awwwww. It's so cute! What breed is it? How old is it? Can I pet her? What's her name? Do they shed? Where did you get her? How much did she cost? Are the two dogs related? Can I take a picture? How big do they get? How did you decide on that breed? When did you get her? She's so calm! Are they good with other dogs? Children? Thanks! Sorry for bothering you.

Those questions were asked over and over and over again. At some points during our meal there were literally small crowds of shoppers gathered around us. Even the waiter brought over another waiter to see the puppy. The whole thing was awkward. The attention these damn dogs were getting was making it difficult for us to get to know each other. Brendan laughed and told me, "I told you they'd get a lot of attention!" Yeah, well everyone loves a puppy, I get that, but I had no idea it would be like this. Why on earth would you even suggest bringing them on a date if you knew every 30 seconds we'd be bothered? I guess Brendan is a bit of an attention whore?

After lunch we walked a little and stopped at a Starbucks. While he was inside ordering, I was in charge of the dogs. By then I knew the answer to everyone's questions: She's a shiba inu. She's 8 weeks old. We got her last week. Her name is Bella. They shed. We got her from a breeder in Novato. She was $1500. He's the same breed. He's her cousin. He's full grown. Yes, you can take a picture. Yes, you can pet them.

Despite the perpetual interruptions, I tried to make the best of our date. I asked Brendan a lot of questions. I asked him about his experience with internet dating. He said he met one girl from the site and they were together for 1.5 years. He said that he doesn't like to break up with girls. He's afraid it will hurt their egos. So he gets them to break up with him instead. In fact, he was taking that girl ring shopping when he knew he had no intention of marrying her. I thought that was scary. I told him so. Security is very important to me in a relationship, but if you were to date Brendan, you'd never know if things were good or bad between you. For all you know, he'd be taking you engagement ring shopping while wanting to dump you. I'd never feel safe.

I asked him about other dating experiences. He said one woman on their first date tried to get him to buy her a new purse, shoes, and clothes. He said in his last relationship that ended 1 month ago, he flew her to Disneyland for their second date. And then described in detail how he met this girl he dated 6 months ago, which was weird to say the least. I mean, I could recreate the moment if I wanted to- that's how in depth the story was. It was a long distance 3 month relationship so every weekend he'd either fly to see her or fly her out to see him. If you didn't figure it out already, Brendan must be loaded. Obviously he wants me to know that.

He also told me that he didn't want to walk to a certain area of the shopping center because that's where all his friends hang out and it would be awkward. As we walked by different restaurants he pointed to the ones he eats at, to the stores he frequents, to the bars/clubs where he doesn't have to wait in line to get in because everybody knows him, to the condo he used to live in and the one he rents out.

Through the course of the date I asked Brendan about his job, where he works, his parents, brothers/sisters, where he's from, where he vacations, what he likes to do for fun, I asked about his dogs, etc. What did he ask me? Nothing. He didn't ask me about my family, my work, my friends, nothing. And when I wasn't asking him questions, he wasn't talking. Actually, that's wrong. He talked to his dogs and he talked to the people asking about his dogs. Brendan clearly had no interest in getting to know me. And there were so many disturbances, that by the end of the date I felt like I didn't know him any better than I did before. But I knew enough: Brendan was an egocentric person. He might as well wear a sign that says, "It's all about me! Give me attention, because I'm the greatest!"

I don't know what his deal is. My best guess is that he's insecure, so he feels the need to impress people to prove he's worthy of their friendship. Or maybe he's just in love with himself. Or maybe he has a small penis. I have no idea. But I don't want to go on a second date with either one of those guys. Sadly, the best part of the date was when I got to hold the puppy in the car.

Ironically, Brendan is the one that came up with the title of this post. That's right, during lunch he mentioned how I'd end up writing about him. Is that because he's so self-absorbed or because his goal was to create a date so bad, it was worth writing about? I'm not sure. But he said that his title would be "The Dog Lover" because "I paid more attention to my beautiful dogs than I did my beautiful date!" He said the photo would be of a shiba inu. "Then everyone will see how gorgeous they are and say- well of course he paid more attention to them!- and I'll be, 'Ha! I win!'"

Yeah, I'm not going to post a picture of a shiba inu. If you want to know what it looks like, you can google it. But this post is about my date with Brendan, not about dogs.

It's been about three weeks since our date. I'm hoping by now he's lost the address to this site. But even if he hasn't, and he reads it, I'm sure he'll be smiling anyway. I bet there's nothing he'd love more than to read about himself. Self-centered people like that, right?

Not a Tall Tale

2009-09-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is interesting. So I log onto the site and I see that a guy winked at me. I take a look at his profile and he seems alright. He doesn't meet any of my immediate deal breakers. I browse his photos- those are fine too. I read about his job, what he does for fun, and his political viewpoints. Again, everything is nice and normal... that is, until I read his "about me" section.

This is the very first sentence: "I have to be upfront: I have a tail. I don't want it to become an issue later on. If you can look beyond that superficial stuff, I would love to hear from you."

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Deep breath.

Okay, let me first start by saying that no, I'm not joking. This is for real. And second, no, he wasn't joking either. He has a tail. Lastly, there was no picture of the tail. Hopefully I answered all of your burning questions.

To be fair, I gotta give this guy props for being honest and just putting it out there. That's pretty ballsy and it takes a lot of guts. Unfortunately, I am superficial like that. Most people probably are.

So, I'm telling this to my friend and he asks me if the tail moves! How am I supposed to know that? Am I supposed to ask him? Or do you think that's something he'd also write in his profile. "Oh, and by the way, it wags when I'm excited."

So my friend proceeds to tell me that I should go on a date with him to see if it moves! That he will pay for the date! This is craziness. Do you know how many dates I'd have to go on before I'd get to see the tail and then be in a position to ask him if it moves? Yeah, I don't think so, Scott. Even though it would make this entry far more entertaining, I think I'll have to pass. I like my dates with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and 0 tails. I hope that's not too picky, TRINA. ;)

Clueless

2009-09-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have a hard time sending rejects. What happens if the only problem is that I'm just not attracted to him? There's a pre-made reject letter for that- "Thank you, but unfortunately we're not a good match due to: physical attraction," but I'd never have the heart to send that. I like to be honest, but that's just cruel and unnecessary.

When Raj sent me a wink, I knew by looking at his photo that he wasn't for me. I'm going to be honest here- typically I'm attracted to white guys. Raj is Indian. Of course there are always exceptions. I've been in relationships with guys of other races before and have been totally attracted to them. Hey, if you're sexy, you're sexy. ;) But everyone has their own tastes and preferences and this is mine.

Obviously, I'm not going to write Raj saying, "Sorry, I don't date Indian guys" or use the "physical attraction" rejection template either. My profile already indicates that I prefer caucasian men, so that's good enough. Besides, Raj is 35... ten years older than I am. My profile also says I'm looking for men between the ages of 25-30. As it is, I wasn't entirely comfortable with the thought of dating someone who was 30, so I know I'm going to pass on someone who's 35. Ten years is too big of a gap. I feel a little yucky just thinking about it. So I respond to Raj with the, "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match because of: age."

The next day Raj replies with, and I quote, "You said the issue was age. I know you are younger than me but should get to know to see if you're mature for me. Maturity level of my soulmate is more important to me than age. Does that sound good?"

First of all, that doesn't make sense. Proof read, people, proof read! Especially when you're trying to convince someone to do something! It would help if I knew what you wanted. I think I got the gist though. He's explaining that I might be mature enough for him. Oh good, what a relief! That's what I was worried about! (Rolls eyes) I thought he'd find me immature! That's exactly why I sent him that reject- not because of what I want or need, but because I was looking out for him!

I'm sorry, I thought this site was about finding someone who was right for me? I don't care if I might be mature enough for you. You're too old for me. I'm not interested. So no, Raj, that does not sound good. Get over yourself.

I wrote back, "Hello, Raj. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I did not say we weren't a match because of what I think you'd want or like. I said we weren't a match because of what I'd want and like. Take care and thanks for your interest!"

Again, the next day Raj responded. "Hey Jennell, Thanks for clearing that up. I agree you are feisty. I have a PhD and it takes time to get done. So I will not defend my age because I love where I'm at in life. Are you thinking I am going to die early or before you if we were to marry? Usually guys do even if they are the same age as the girl. Raj."

What???? Did he just pull that out of his ass?

Yes... That's exactly why I'm not interested... Because you're going to die on me.

This has nothing to do with your current age, that we're probably in different places in life, that we may find it hard to relate to each other, or the fact that I'm young and want to date someone my own age. I'm thinking about you leaving me a widow 50-60 years from now. Quite frankly, I've computed the numbers and I'm concerned about your life expectancy. I know that women live about 5 years longer than men, and since you're 10 years older than I, that's about 15 years of living as a widow. That's unacceptable. Then again, you make a valid point. You'll probably kick the bucket before I do anyway. I'm comforted that you're virtually guaranteed to die before me regardless of our age difference. So now that you clarified this death thing, I am totally interested in you!

Sigh. Raj- for someone who's in graduate school, you sure are clueless.

The Jerk

2009-09-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

Like Dos Equis, this is not a story about a date. The next couple of posts will be about some close encounters. Close encounters of the weird kind.

I logged onto the dating site to check out my recent messages and winks. All of a sudden a window floated down from the top of the screen. Another user wanted to have an instant message conversation with me (another feature of the site). Normally I just ignore the invitation because it's usually strangers who initiate this.

Personally, I like to check out a person's profile before any kind of contact so we don't waste each other's time. That's the beauty of sending a message or wink- I can make a decision to move forward at my own leisure. With a random IM from a stranger, I feel rushed to decide if this person is a good match or not. I can either ignore them while I check out their profile or I can respond, then look at their profile, and decide if that was a good idea.

In this particular case, the window with the IM invite showed a photo of a cute guy so I decided I'd talk first and look later. As we talked, I browsed his profile. The conversation was kind of odd. He asked me what I was looking for- "a relationship?"

Well, I'd like to think that people who paid to join a dating website are looking for a serious relationship. Although this was not my main goal for joining, I know that if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet, I'm certainly not going to fight it. I believe that if something's meant to happen, it will happen. So I told him I signed up with the intention of meeting someone I could possibly have a future with. He told me his intentions depended upon the person. "Friends, friends with benefits, something casual, something serious... I'll know it when I see her."

That seemed like a weird answer to me. I don't think I like it. Anyway, it didn't matter because as I looked at his profile I realized that I wouldn't be interested in dating this guy anyway. He wasn't a good match for me. I told him I had to go and it was nice talking with him. I signed off.

The next day I noticed that he sent me a wink. I clicked the link that read, "Not interested? Send a polite 'no thanks.'" That should've been the end, but it wasn't.

He sent me a message. An angry message.

"Does it look like I give a fuck about you?" he wrote.

Wow, what a jerk. Well, obviously he did give a fuck if he's pissed off enough to write me that. I wonder if he's related to Dos Equis... I didn't respond to his message.

Instead I reported him to the site for his harassing/inappropriate behavior. I wrote about what happened and that if he overreacted to their standard "no thanks" message, then he probably isn't safe for the girls on their site. It looks like someone needed some anger management classes.

I don't know if anything happened to him. Probably not, but I think he's wasting his time on this site. It sounds like his perfect match is a good ass kicking... too bad I don't have time for jerks.

Idaho Guy

2009-09-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

Idaho guy! How did I forget about Idaho guy!? I also met him years before I joined the dating site, sometime after my dates with the firefighter and military police.

Nate contacted me in November via the social networking site. You think by now I would have learned my lesson, but no. Apparently the third time's the charm (then I made my page private and guys stopped messaging me). Nate was a 24-year-old electrical engineer and I was 21 and still in college. He was originally from Idaho, but apparently the potato state doesn't hire many engineers, so this is where he landed.

Nate sounded like the classic gentleman, which he attributed to his parents. He told me that his dad gets his mother a gift every day, which could be as small as a daisy from their backyard or as big as a brand new car. They also have a standing lunch date every Friday that they never miss. His parents sounded kind of sappy to me, but you can't deny that's a sweet story- even if it's sickeningly sweet. With a model like this, it's no wonder that Nate believed in spoiling a girl and making her feel like a princess. (Where do I sign up?) He even went to the extreme of already researching diamonds, so his future fiancé would have the most beautiful engagement ring possible. I believe he said the best cut was called "Hearts on Fire," just in case you were curious. ;)

I had only talked to Nate via messages online. Before we spoke on the phone or met in person, he already sent flowers to my work! It was kind of awkward because it came with a "Happy Birthday" mini-balloon and it wasn't my birthday. Another time he left me a basket of candy canes, hot chocolate mix, and peppermint extract at my front door. Everything was really nice, the flowers, the gifts, but it made me kind of uncomfortable. He hadn't even met me and he was already spending a lot of time, money, and effort trying to impress me. I felt like it was a bit too forward. Maybe a little too aggressive. First let's meet and see if we're compatible before you try to impress and entice me. Even the girls at school were questioning Idaho guy's intentions. It was a case of romantic vs. creepy, but which one was it?

Just as expected, he put a lot of effort into our first date also. First of all, he was fairly new to the area and hadn't moved his car out here, so he rented one to pick me up. Every time he had to leave his city he had to rent a car, which meant he also rented one to drop off that candy cane/hot chocolate basket. Secondly, when I answered the door he handed me beautiful flowers. A bouquet of gerber daisies- google them. Lastly, he did his homework. He researched nice restaurants in my area and made a reservation. He clearly put a lot of energy into making this date special and I took notice. Unfortunately, by the end of the night I still wasn't attracted to him and I didn't feel much of a spark. He was a nice guy and a complete gentleman. As we walked back to the car, he put his coat around me to make sure I was warm. He opened doors for me and the car door too. I couldn't say anything bad about Nate. I wanted to like him! Maybe if we went out again, things would feel different. Better.

I was flattered and a little nervous when he asked me to be his date to his company's Christmas party. A party full of engineers? Sounds like it could be incredibly boring. If you know anything about engineers, you know that most of them are socially inept. Even other engineers will tell you that. I had fantasies of conversations involving math equations, and me having to drink a lot and then somehow wind up dancing on tables. I also set up an exit strategy that involved being rescued by a friend and driven home. As you can see, I didn't have high expectations for the party, plus I was really nervous about what seemed to be an awfully formal and important second date with Nate.

Once I agreed to go to his Christmas party, Nate insisted on taking me out dress and shoe shopping. Maybe most girls would love that, at least that's what they say in all these hip-hop songs. Not me. I didn't want to go shopping with a stranger. In fact, it took me two years to go shopping with my last boyfriend where I actually tried things on. I told Nate that I could afford my own outfit, but he maintained that it was his party and I was his date so he would treat. Ugh!

So, like the sneaky person I am, I took my mom and sister out dress shopping on the down-low. After a looooong day of trying on a variety of dresses at numerous stores, I found a cute black lace cocktail dress. A week or two later I bought a pair of adorable heels that had bows on the back! Score! I'd be the hottest engineer date at the party. I could also avoid my awkward mall trip with Nate. When he mentioned taking me out shopping I told him the great news- my outfit was already complete!

"You're making this really hard for me!" he joked. "I want to get you something... I guess I'll just have to buy you some jewelry to go with your dress. Maybe a nice necklace and some earrings. Do you like gold or silver?" Wow. Again, maybe most girls would love it if a random guy offered to buy her clothes and jewelry, but I thought it was too much too fast. We've only been on one date. We're not even a couple. I felt uneasy again.

"Oh, don't buy me any jewelry, really, I have sensitive skin. I can only wear certain kinds of earrings and the rest bother my ears. I can't even wear studs," I told him, hoping this would deter him.

"Platinum is hypoallergenic. I'll just get you a platinum necklace and earrings," he stated. HOLY SHIT, I just got upgraded from a dress and shoes to platinum jewelry?!?! This is insane! Okay, you win, Nate. I'll take it! Hey, I'm only human.

Again, the girls at school were asking about Idaho guy. "What did he get you now?" they wondered. Well, he wanted to buy me a dress and shoes for his company Christmas party, but I felt weird about trying on clothes for him, so I bought my own. Now he's going to buy me platinum jewelry instead.

"What?! You better watch out! Idaho guy's got something up his sleeve," they warned. "I bet he wants to get in your pants," they said. Hey, I'm not easy and I know I don't give off an "easy" vibe. Just because someone wants to sleep with me, doesn't mean they'll get to. I wasn't worried.

It was now the day before the company party. I had my black dress, sexy shoes, I tanned my legs, sent the hotel my menu selections, practiced my smokey eye makeup, and I even found a nice coat too. I spent a good chunk of money and a considerable amount of time shopping so I would look nice for this party. I wanted to impress Nate. I wanted him to be proud to show me off. He messaged me that evening to talk about the party.

"There's going to be wine there," he wrote, "and I don't want to risk driving you home if I've had too much. Would you mind staying over my place and I'll drive you home in the morning?"

"Actually, I'd prefer to sleep in my own bed," I replied. Aha! The girls were right! Idaho guy was trying to sleep with me! Well, at least we crossed this bridge now rather than tomorrow night. Now I could relax and enjoy the party without worrying about him putting the moves on me.

It's now the day of the party. I'm nervous big time. It starts at 6pm so I'm thinking he's going to pick me up at five-ish. So I start getting ready at three, to give me plenty of time to get all beautified. Well 5pm rolls around and I'm all fixed up and ready to go. I'm looking pretty cute and feeling good about it. I'm sitting at the computer killing time on AIM, trying to get the butterflies out of my stomach. An hour goes by, it's now six and no Nate. I'm worried. What happened? Are we just going to be fashionably late?

Suddenly I get an e-mail that reads, "Something's happened. I'm in the hospital. Don't be worried, I'll call you tomorrow." Sigh. I'm not worried. I'm kind of ticked. My friend on AIM comments that he can't believe I got stood up. Oh well. It's not the first time. I slowly change out of my dress and wipe off my makeup, but not before I snap a picture of the finished product. Hey, I worked hard to look this good!

The next day comes and goes without a call from Nate. In fact, I don't hear from him for another two or three days. And when I did it was through AIM. I waited to hear what happened. If he told me his grandma died, I was going to slap myself. He didn't. His excuse was worse than that.

"As usual, I waited too long to go to the doctor..." he started. "I had a really really bad case of Strep throat so they admitted me into the hospital."

That's it?

Strep throat?

This has got to be a joke. People have surgery and go home the same day and you're telling me that you were in the hospital for three days for Strep? I've had a bad case of Strep throat. My doctor said it was the worst she had ever seen. In fact, she was even impressed by it. What did she do? Sent me home with antibiotics.

I couldn't believe that he was trying to sell me this BS. One, if he had a bad case of Strep, it would be too painful to eat or drink much of anything. It would also be very difficult to talk. Why would you go to a party if you're mute and can't eat or drink? Did he plan to mime his way through the night? If he really had Strep, he would've known long before then that he couldn't go. I wouldn't be getting this e-mail at the start of the party. Clearly, he was lying.

Did he think I was stupid? Does this line work in Idaho? I bet this was because I wouldn't stay the night. I'm 99% sure of it. He found out I wasn't going to sleep with him so he went with someone else who would. I was pissed. All of that time, effort, and money I spent prepping for a party that I didn't attend, for a guy I didn't like, just to have him stand me up last minute and tell me an obvious lie. It was actually offensive.

Immediately after he uttered the words "Strep throat," I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. He acted shocked. He even asked if I was serious. Uh, yeah. I was.

He actually did contact me again a month or so later. Said he saw a TV show that reminded him of me. Terrific. Bye now.

The good news is, I was able to use everything I had purchased for my own company party- where the people were fun and I actually liked my date.

Besides, every girl needs a little black dress.

The Liar

2009-08-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

His name was Chris, and he had just joined the dating site and was doing some browsing when he stumbled upon my profile. We had so many things in common, that he couldn't resist sending me a message. "It seems like we're in the same place in life and looking for the same things," he wrote me.

So I took a quick look at his profile and I didn't notice any immediate deal breakers. I read about him and he seemed like a pretty decent guy. Definitely good on paper. Then I scrolled down and read that his political views are conservative. Hm... I'm liberal, and having relatives that are conservative and ultraconservative, I know I'd prefer someone who shared my views. I wrote him back agreeing that we do have a lot in common, but I'd prefer someone who had political viewpoints closer to my own.

Chris, like The Smoker, was persistent. He wrote back saying that he votes Republican primarily for business-related issues, but that he's pretty open-minded when it comes to social aspects. "Are you worried that our votes would cancel each other out?" he joked. "Don't count me out just because I voted for McCain in the last election. Besides, Republicans have been sorely disappointing me lately." Lately???

Maybe the political viewpoint thing is kind of stupid. Especially if what he says about his views on social issues is true. Alright, I won't count him out just yet.

So we get to talking and I find out some interesting things about him. He originally wanted to be a cop but I guess he got scared off when he did his first ride along (kinda pathetic in my opinion). Then he found a happy medium as a fraud investigator. Fighting bad guys from behind a computer screen! How sexy! ;) He loves to cook and would like to open a restaurant when he retires. So the guy's got a good job, he's educated, he can cook for me, he's attractive, and he has long term goals... He sounded pretty good, so when he asked for my phone number I gave it to him. That's when things got interesting.

He calls me up one evening after work wanting to schedule an evening to take me out to dinner. "Unless you think it's going to be awful and you'd rather go out for a drink instead. That way you can get out of there real fast!" he said. What an odd thing to say. I'm puzzled.

"Honestly, I think I'd rather our first date be a lunch date if that's alright," I suggested.

"Wow. You do wanna get outta there fast," he commented. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say to that. This kind of put me on the defensive, like I'm supposed to justify why I rather have lunch than dinner.

"Well, I feel like a lunch date is a bit more casual. A dinner date feels more formal and intimate to me. And since it's a first date and we don't really know each other, I'd be more comfortable going out to lunch instead... Or we could grab a smoothie or something if that's better..." I waited for his response, not really knowing what to expect.

"We can have lunch," he said. "What days this week are good for you?"

"Actually, I'm busy this week. Next week would be better for me," I stated.

"It's Tuesday..." he noted. Yeah? So?

"...Don't you only work three days a week? How are you busy?" he quizzed.

Again, I felt like he was trying to imply something. I felt like I needed to defend myself. As if I was some sort of liar. Why the heck is he having me justify everything I say? What's wrong with this guy? Maybe I AM being truthful when I say I rather have lunch. Maybe it's not about having a quick exit. Maybe I AM busy this week. Maybe it's not about blowing you off. I don't know if it's just me, but I always assume a person is telling the truth unless they give me a reason to believe otherwise. Chris seems to be the opposite. He keeps assuming I have some kind of hidden agenda and doesn't believe I'm being straight with him unless I explain myself. So here goes my attempt:

"Well, Wednesday is my dad's birthday. I have plans on Thursday. Friday's my grandma's birthday and I work this weekend," I answered.

"Two birthdays in the same week??" he questioned.

"Yes," I said firmly.

His response: "I guess that sounds like an honest answer. What days next week work for you?"

What the hell? I'm officially offended. What's his problem? Is this what happens when you're a fraud investigator? You assume everyone is lying to you? Or is Chris just so insecure that he needs constant reassurance that I was actually interested in getting to know him? Ugh. Now I don't even want to go on this date anymore!

After I get off the phone my sister asks about our conversation. I tell her all about it.

She thinks he's insecure and doesn't have much self-esteem. "That's too bad," she said, "he looked cute."

"I'm going out to lunch with him next Tuesday," I stated.

"What?! Why?!" she blurted.

"Well, he kept acting like I was a liar. Now I feel obligated to eat lunch with him just to prove I wasn't lying!" I explained. Basically it was a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. I can go out with him, even though I really really don't want to, just to show him that I was being honest. Or I can blow him off, which makes me out to be the liar he thought I was. Sigh. I probably should have blown him off. He clearly has issues. But for some reason, it was really important to me to prove that I was an honest and sincere person. So I ended up meeting him for lunch... which was really boring. We asked each other questions and I told funny stories about my life or my friends or work and he'd respond with, "Wow, I wish I had interesting stories to tell," or "That makes me sound really boring," which made him seem even more boring.

Ironically enough, at the end of the date it was he who was reassuring me. Not like I cared. I only showed up to prove a point. He kept telling me that he would call me, that he would contact me, and that he better not get a pre-made reject letter (hahaha). He never did contact me though, which I guess makes him the liar of this story. Trust me when I say I wasn't disappointed or broken-hearted.

That evening I met up with some people from work. We were talking about dating and I mentioned that I just got back from a date- hence how sexy I looked. Hahaha I didn't say that, but I did say that's why I was dressed so nicely. They asked about my date and I told them about the phone conversation.

"Oh, tell about the time the guy tried to pay with gift cards at the movies, but it was for the wrong theater!" my friend added. Everyone laughed. That's when several of them told me that I should write a blog about all of my bad dates. I thought they were joking, but turns out they were serious. I guess everyone wants to live vicariously through me! Which is a pretty sweet deal when you look at it- getting to read about my bad dates instead of having to live them.

Like I said, I originally joined the site just so I'd have something to do, meet new people, and see what's out there. Not necessarily to meet my next boyfriend or Mr. Right. This experience was supposed to be "good for me." But once I started going on some of these dates, I found this post-breakup dating adventure to be more discouraging than anything else. You can see why.

However, since I started writing this blog, it's actually made this dating experience pretty fun. In fact, I even look forward to my next bad date!

This date with Chris has been the last one I've gone on, so if I go out with any other "interesting" guys, you'll be sure to hear about it.

And that's no lie.

The Smoker

2009-08-17T21:18:00.001-07:00

When I get a "wink" or a message from a guy, there are basic things I look at to determine if I'll read the rest of his profile. They include: age, height, location, marital status, number of kids, and smoking. Those are my deal breakers.

Jared had messaged me and his profile stated "smoking: occasionally." Instant fail. I wrote him back explaining that I'm not into guys that smoke and thanked him for his interest.

When I saw he replied to my message, I thought it was going to be mean. It's happened before (Dos Equis).

Tangent story: Once I sent a guy a pre-made reject letter and he responded with, "Care to lower your expectations for a day?" I politely replied a) I'm not okay with dating a smoker, b) I was turned off by your photo that depicts you drinking and driving, and c) you live 40 minutes away. His response? "Fair enough." Thought so.

Back to Jared. I was pleasantly surprised when his response wasn't defensive at all. He wrote that he's never actually bought a pack of cigarettes, that he's only smoked a few times in the past, and he just wanted to be as honest as possible on his profile. "I don't know if that makes a difference... You seem real sweet..." he said. *Aww* I thought.

I wrote him back saying that unfortunately, the frequency of smoking didn't make a difference to me. Take care.

AGAIN he wrote me back saying he'd really like the chance to get to know me and could I at least have coffee with him just once. "I'll drive to your area and I promise I won't smoke before our date. ;) You just seem like someone I'd like to know better." This guy was persistent! I was flattered. He was already putting in more effort than gorgeous Grant.

I caved. I told him "You win, I'm in. I'll have lunch with you." In fact I might have told him no a third time before I caved... I can't remember.

Anyhow, we were supposed to have lunch but he didn't call to confirm until the morning of. Well, I had learned my lesson with Grant, that you have to start training from the get-go. And calling me the morning of our date to confirm and set up a time/place is not okay. Girls have lives too, boys! And they don't involve sitting by the phone waiting for your call! So I told him that when he didn't call me the day before, I had made other plans (to lounge in my pajamas and watch TV).

We talked on the phone for about 3o minutes and by the end of the conversation he was really disappointed (his words) that we didn't have lunch. "I was already excited to meet you, but now after talking to you I am really excited!" We rescheduled for an early dinner later in the week. And guess what? He called me the day before to confirm, pick a time, and place. Ah, the smell of training success.

So we met up at BJ's Brewhouse for dinner. It started off okay. The usual small talk, he bought me a drink, we asked questions... it was too early to tell if there was any kind of connection. But about halfway through the dinner I started noticing that he would ask me a question and then look past me to the television behind me as I answered him. I ignored it. TVs can be distracting. I'll ignore the one slip up.

Except this happened two more times. What the heck? This is a first date. Aren't you supposed to be "captivated" by me? Hanging on my every word? At least PRETENDING like you're interested in getting to know me? I couldn't take it. I turned to see what was on the television.

Women's softball.

"You see the pitcher?" he asked. "... She's a gold medalist.... and she's hot."

Nice. Great first date move. Not only is he not even listening to me, he's checking out other girls... AND TELLING ME...

Unfortunately our waiter was really slow. Maybe he could tell it was a first date and thought he was doing us a favor by drawing it out. But training a guy to listen to me and not blatantly check out other girls is not worth the time and effort. Is there a "Guy Whisperer" for men like this?

We finished our dinner and suddenly Jared became very excited. "Oh, the Giants are playing?... OH MY GOSH!... I can't believe it! Another no hitter!?! We gotta watch this game!" He looks around the restaurant. "We can watch it at the bar! We gotta find someplace to watch the rest of the game!!"

My thought: "We???" and "Check please!"

I guess it was written all over my face. "Well, unless you have to go... Do you not like to watch games?" he questioned.

I excused myself to the bathroom. Maybe when I come back the bill will be taken care of and I can leave.

Strangely enough as I return from the bathroom, Jared isn't staring at the TV, he's turned around in his chair staring at me. Part of me thinks that maybe he's realized that he's being an idiot. I ask him why he's not watching the game.

"Turns out it's not a new game. This is just a recap from Sanchez earlier this week," he answers. I guess the "idiot" idea was just wishful thinking. Go figure.

As we leave and I'm heading back to my car, he says maybe next time I'd be willing to drive to his place (35 minutes away).

Yeah, I don't think so. I won't be driving to see any guys anymore and there's certainly not going to be a next time with Jared.

The moral of the story: Just say no- to smokers.

Dos Equis

2009-08-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

"We should grab dinner next week. Let me know if you're interested." That message was sitting in my inbox from a 30 year old man I had never talked to before. At least he's straightforward I guess.

I responded with, "I like to get to know someone a little better before I actually meet them. That way I don't feel like I'm going out with a complete stranger. Tell me a little about yourself."

His reply sounded more like a resume or some kind of job application than anything else, which was fitting since his profile picture was a headshot of him in a business suit.

He proceeded to list what college he went to, his major, his degree, the various jobs he's had, his current job, and how much money he makes. He told me that his goal was to own multiple shopping malls so he could golf all day and not have to work. There was nothing written to give me any insight as to what kind of person he was. It was all very impersonal. I felt like I was conducting a job interview instead of getting to know him. Strange... But here's the kicker- he ends it with a link and writes, "This is a picture of whom I believe is my biological father."

I click on the link. A picture of the Dos Equis beer guy pops up. What? That has to be a joke, right? But the whole message was so dry and serious. That link totally came out of left field. Either I don't get his sense of humor or he's serious... and nuts.

I decide to investigate.

I write him back with something along the lines of, "haha Are you serious? The Dos Equis guy?"

His response: I'm glad you liked the picture of my father.

Yeah, that didn't help. No smiley face, no wink, no "lol" or "haha." Nothing... I was still left thinking- is this guy for real? He was creeping me out!

Well, the nice thing about this dating site is they have, what I call, pre-made reject letters. If someone writes you a message and you're not into them, you can choose between 3 pre-made reject letters. This guy was definitely getting one.

I choose the one that starts, "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match because of..." Then there's a list of reasons and you can check the box by the reason that applies. I check the box that says "personality." I certainly didn't get his sense of humor so I know our personalities would clash. Goodbye Dos Equis guy!

Or so I thought...

Clearly he was offended, because he sent me his own pre-made reject letter. His read, "Thanks, but unfortunately we're not a good match because of personality and physical attraction."

Seriously? Physical attraction? He's the one who messaged me! He can't say physical attraction when he made a pass at me! Oh my gosh. You are 30 years old. You're not 12. Wow. Can you imagine what it would be like to break up with this guy? All I did was turn down a date. Good call on that reject letter. Weirdo.

McHottie Drunk Guy

2009-08-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of good things I could say about Grant. 1) He's gorgeous 2) he has a good and interesting career 3) he won an Emmy 4) he's gorgeous 5) he owns a townhouse 6) he's very personable- the type of person everyone likes as soon as they meet him 7) he's gorgeous 8) he's fun 9) he's smart with money 10) he's gorgeous. Wait, did I say that already?

I honestly don't have a really funny story to tell about him, because we didn't go on one awful bad date. We went out many times, but each time something felt wrong.

He either doesn't know how to treat a lady, or he didn't like me that much, or both. But all of the problems had one underlying theme- not much effort on his part. Shall I list? Yes, I think I shall.

1) We went out maybe 10 times and only one of those dates did he drive to see me. He lives 30 minutes away, so it was a pretty unfair situation for me. He had lame excuses for not driving- there's nothing to do where I live (why do we have to hang out here?) and it's awkward because I still live at home (that doesn't mean he has to meet my family). It just didn't seem right. In the beginning, aren't guys trying to impress us? I was not impressed. But I let it slide, because he was hot. I admit it! In fact sometimes when he'd talk to me, I'd just stare at him and think about how gorgeous he was. Sigh. I smile just thinking about it.

2) After several dates I suggested going to 6 Flags for the day, a pricey date and my idea, so I offered to pay. "Okay," he says. Okay? That's it? He's not even going to put up a fight? Or insist that he pay? I've never had a guy just let me treat for a date. Usually I have to "forget" my money in his car, beat him to the cashier, slip it in his pocket, or my favorite- throw and run. I even had to do that with my friend, and he's gay! Again, isn't he supposed to be trying to impress me? He's supposed to be working hard, not hardly working... but he's so much fun and so nice to look at!!

3) After 6 Flags we stopped by a pretty nice wine tasting party his coworker was having. I actually had a great time. Better than when we were at 6 Flags- turned out he's scared of roller coasters. Grrrreat. Anyhow, it was 2am and we were leaving the party and heading back to his car. That's when he started saying things about how he wasn't sure if he could drive. Fantastic. I see where this is going. Grant had "tasted" a little too much wine. Good thing I was responsible enough to stay sober. Obviously I offered to drive because I didn't want to die. So I drove us back... for two hours... That's right. My date wasn't responsible enough to be the designated driver, so I got stuck as his chauffeur.

4) That night he tried to get me to stay over. He actually tried this 2 different nights- unsuccessfully. It was funny because he tried very hard. He tried by kissing and by taking his shirt off- not that I minded that. But I wasn't going to sleep with him. He wasn't even a good kisser. He kept saying I should stay the night because it wasn't safe for me to drive home this late. "It's not safe for me to drive home at night?? You just had me drive us for two hours at 2am! I think I can make it another 30 minutes..."

5) We were supposed to go to the movies one night. I get to his place and I end up waiting for about 20-30 minutes while he tries to arrange last minute airline flights with a buddy for next weekend. He gets off the phone and instead of seeing a movie that's showing a little bit later, he decides to rush to the one that's playing in 15 minutes. I'm dressed pretty snazzy: jeans, heels, collared shirt, trench, and scarf. He's wearing his work pants, tennis shoes, and he throws on a fleece pullover and heads out the door. That's it? Really? When I look like this? Sigh.

Addendum 9/3/09: So my BFF reminded me today of another one of Grant's traits I forgot to mention. When I went to the movies with Grant (as stated above), it was to see The Hangover. As you know, the movie was hilarious. Well it turns out that Grant's laugh is also hilarious... and by hilarious, I mean embarrassing. Not only is it incredibly loud, but it's also high pitched- making it extremely noticeable. And it didn't help that when the audience would laugh, Grant's laugh would extend an extra 10 seconds making his the only one you'd hear. It was the kind of laugh that if you heard it, you'd nudge the person next to you and giggle, or you'd turn around to look for that person, or when the movie was over you'd ask, "Did you hear that guy laughing?!" Yeah. It was that bad. It got to the point where every time he laughed, I'd look around the theater to see if anyone was looking at us. I was ready to sink down into my seat at a moment's notice. I would not be guilty by association. Before the movie's end, it suddenly occurred to me: Oh my gosh. I will never be able to see a comedy with Grant ever again! And I was serious.

6) It's my birthday. He calls and sings me happy birthday on the phone- aww. And I get a package in the mail from him (chocolate) and a card. It's a simple gesture, but it's nice and I appreciate it. He says we should go out that weekend and do something big for my birthday. Sounds great! Too bad I don't hear from him. In fact a week goes by and I receive a voicemail on my cell from him, apologizing for being so distant. He's been real busy (yeah right). And to give him a call if I still wanted to speak to him. I had no intention of seeing him again, but I thought I'd hear him out. I called and he never called me back.

Lesson learned. Grant was nice, fun, and one awesome piece of eye candy, but that was it. Hey, I made mistakes too. People treat you the way you let them. You have to train them and I did a lousy job. Hey, no big deal. This was only about socializing anyway. I'm just happy that I got to go out with the prettiest guy I've ever seen in real life. Too bad he turned out to be just a McHottie Drunk Guy.

The Runner

2009-08-13T18:50:00.001-07:00

So the firefighter and the military police officer... those were my first two encounters with online dating. Fast forward 4 years, one love, and one painful breakup later and we wind up in May 2009.

It's been 3 months since I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and I'm sad and moping around. You know how it is. That's when my family suggests going on a dating website. "We know how you feel, we know you're not interested in finding someone else right now, but at least this is something to do. Something to get you out of the house. A chance for you to go out and socialize and get your mind off things," explain my parents, to which my sister added, "At least you'll get a free lunch out of it!" So I think about it and decide it's not a bad idea. I definitely need to get out of the house because when I'm home alone, all of my thoughts lead me down one depressing path. This would give me a chance to see what's out there! I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm simply signing up for the social aspect, and heck, if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet then that's great. If not, it's certainly better then staring at photos all day long. Right?

And so on May 3, 2009 I officially became an online dater. A day that will live on in infamy!!! Just kidding. I only know the date because it's printed on my receipt.

Okay. So in the beginning I was really excited. People would "wink" me (the equivalent of a Facebook superpoke) or send me a message. There's even a counter to let you know how many people view your profile. I felt so popular! Before I even had a photo up, guys were messaging me, which I thought was awfully brave. For all they knew, I could look like a troll. Anyhow, one guy who messaged me right away was Peter. I call him The Runner because he had several pictures of him running marathons. And his profile was loaded with talk of running, jogging, marathons, running shoes... This guy obviously loved to run, which I knew would make us a bad match straight off, because the only time I run is when I'm chased.

Our first messages to each other were super long and funny. I really looked forward to Peter's messages. I have to say, I didn't find him attractive, but 1) sometimes it's a personality that makes someone sexy- though I'm aiming for sexy inside and out and 2) it's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend now, so what does it matter?

Back to the point. So Peter, the runner, is totally nice and friendly and has good stories to tell so we set up a date to have lunch. I meet him at this sandwich shop. We hug, order, and sit down with our sandwiches.

I swear to you, the first thing out of his mouth is, "So I read you have a dog. What kind of dog is it?"

"I have a miniature poodle, his name is Rambo," I said.

"So you have a small dog. I hate small dogs!" he expressed. Wow. Seriously? Why would you say that if you know I have a small dog? That's like telling a chick- I notice you're blonde. I hate blondes!" Again, wow.

"Is he a yappy dog?" he asks as he takes a bite out of his sandwich. Now there's mayonnaise on his face. For that dumbass dog comment, I decide not to tell him about the food on his cheek and let him sit there with it. And for the record, that mayonnaise did not budge until right before the date ended. Which I thought was surprising, because when I'm on a date I'm so paranoid about the possibility of food on my face that I'm constantly wiping my mouth with a napkin, just in case. Obviously Peter doesn't do that.

"No, he's not yappy," I said.

"Oh good. I run by yards with small yappy dogs all the time and it's so annoying!!!" he shares. Hm... ironic... I'm annoyed too.

The conversation is boring. He's definitely more fun to write to then to talk with. He says some stupid things. Like how he's looking to buy a house in the area for under $300K. HAHA Good luck! The condos by my house are asking $600-700K and a townhouse down the street is asking $900K. I tell him this but he seems oblivious of his ridiculousness. Apparently he's going to a real estate seminar later designed to help people who are looking to buy homes. Good, maybe they'll inform him that he's crazy.

While he's talking I do some analyzing. Shorts and flip flops on a first date? That's a little too casual. What? Ew! Is that a fungus toe nail!? I think it is! Why would someone wear flip flops on a first date if they have a nasty looking big toe! Keep that thing hidden! Oh, he's asking me a question...

"Did you vote for McCain?" he asks hesitantly. I tell him no. "Oh, okay, good." He breathes a sigh of relief and begins to do some McCain bashing. Which is fine. I just sit there and listen while alternating looks between the mayonnaise on his face and his scary big toe. Now he's bashing Sarah Palin.

"Actually, I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary," I said. "I really liked her and would have liked to see her as President."

"I can't stand Hillary!" he shot back. "I find her annoying and vindictive!" Again, I'm irritated. One second ago he worried about offending me with McCain bashing. Now he KNOWS I voted for Hillary but apparently it's okay to insult her. First my dog. Now my voting decision. I'm glad I left that food on your face. I hope people at the nearby tables see how stupid you look. I dig through my purse acting like I'm grabbing a mirror to apply lipstick while I quickly take a peek at the time- one o'clock. Time to go!

"Vindictive? How so?" I question. I imagine the look on my face is one that is not amused. Silence. He sits there thinking. He thinks some more. More silence...

"... I guess I shouldn't have said that since I don't have anything to back it up," he laughs. Not funny, but I smile.

"Well, I better let you get going so you can catch that real estate seminar. What time is it at?" I say as I grab my purse and start to stand up.

"7 pm," he says.

DAMN IT.

I pause in mid-stand. No, I'm still leaving. "Well, I gotta go," I said, so we parted ways.

I went home and my family asked how my date was with The Runner. I proceeded to tell them how bad it was- he insulted my dog, he insulted my vote, he had this gross toe nail, had food on his face virtually the entire date, he dressed way too casual like he didn't care, and he thinks he can buy a home around here for under $300k! What's funny was, a couple of days later he asked me when we could grab lunch again because he had a great time! What?! "Sorry," I said, "but I didn't feel a connection." Suffice it to say, after my date with him, it was I who wanted to do the running.

A Night at the Movies

2009-08-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, it had been only a week after my horrible date with the firefighter, but I wasn't going to let that stop me! I had also been talking to a guy named Patrick on that same social networking site. He was a military police officer. I know, I know, a firefighter and now a police officer? Maybe I like a man in uniform? Anyhow, we had also talked for a while and decided we'd see Sean Penn's: All the King's Men at the movie theater. Haven't heard of it? Don't worry. It sucked.

So I get to the theater and he's not there. It's the summer and it's the weekend so the ticket counter is pretty crowded, so I hop in a line. Soon after Patrick arrives, recognizes me, and gets in line with me. We talk a little while waiting and he tells me he's going to pay with a pair of movie gift certificates. At that point I'm not too sure what to make of that. Wouldn't it make a better impression to actually pay on the first date instead of using a gift certificate and admit the date is free? I brush it off.

We get to the counter and he asks for 2 tickets to All the King's Men and hands the lady the gift certificates. She hands them back.

"Sorry, these are for AMC. We're Century," she says.

Ouch. Embarrassing. Patrick thought he was getting a free date but since he couldn't read the gift certificate he has to pay anyway. Or so I thought.

That's when he turns to me and tells me he doesn't have any money on him and asks me to pay for the movie. What? What person goes anywhere without some cash on them? What guy goes on a date and doesn't bring money? So that's why he was using a gift certificate- cops don't get paychecks! Rolls eyes. Whatever, I pay for the tickets. At least he thanked me.

Let's fast forward through the movie. It was boring, I didn't want to see it in the first place but nothing else was out, and I ended up falling asleep midway through anyway.

So he's walking me back to my car and it's time to say goodnight. I think he's going in for a hug but what does he do? He grabs my ass and tries to make out with me. Excuse me- I'm the one who paid. If anyone should be grabbing ass, I should be grabbing his. I mean, I'm out $20 and he still has a free movie in his wallet. At least I got a good nap out of the date.

My Worst Date to Date

2009-08-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've recently joined a dating website- the source of most of my stories. However, long before websites like eHarmony and Match.com existed, I belonged to another social networking site. I used it to keep up with friends, but occasionally a person I didn't know would contact me. This begins my story about what would become the worst date I have ever been on.

His name was Kevin and he was a firefighter. A pretty good looking one at that. We exchanged several messages before he suggested grabbing coffee one day. Who was I to say no to a that? I mean, what girl would turn down a date with a hot fireman?! I was in college at the time and we decided that I'd call him after my last class to meet up.

Class got out early so I gave him a call. "I have to stop by the station first before we get coffee. I didn't fill out an incident report right so I have to submit a new one. Can you wait?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. So I hung around campus. Just killing time, bored out of my mind. Well about an hour went by when I decided that I was sick of waiting and I'd just go home. So I started to walk across campus to make my way to the train station. Just then I got a call from Kevin.

"I'm at Pizza My Heart. Can you meet me there?" he asked. I made my way to the restaurant. When I got there I stood outside its entrance and looked around. I didn't see him. I took a peek inside. He wasn't there either. I called him.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm standing in front of Pizza My Heart," I said.

"Where?? What are you wearing?" he asked again.

"Right outside. In front of the entrance. I'm on my cell phone. I'm wearing an orange tank top. Here-," I said raising my arm in the air, "I'm holding my hand up... Where are you?" I said as I kept spinning in circles- looking for a hot guy talking on a cell phone. Still, I didn't see him. What the hell, where was he??? I'm exactly where I said I'd be, so how come we can't find each other?

"Start walking towards campus," he directed. I started walking, still wondering why it was so hard for him to find me. I'm in front of the meeting point, I'm wearing orange, I'm on my cell, I raised my arm up... It's not like there were 4 other girls doing the same thing. Suddenly I realized why he had me wandering all over the place. The idiot was sitting in his car parked further down the street talking to me on his cell "looking for me." What- was it too hard to get out of the damn car? Too much trouble to stand in front of a pizza shop that I had to walk around aimlessly until I happened to walk by his car? He was too lazy to meet me so he had me find him instead. It would have been faster for him to just tell me he was in a silver Honda parked by Pizza My Heart. This was supposed to be a date, not a scavenger hunt.

At this point I had already wasted over an hour of my time waiting to have coffee with this jerk, so I might as well get a free drink out of it. So I hopped in his car and he drove us to the nearest Starbucks.

No sooner did we get our drinks when his cell phone started ringing. He excused himself to take the call outside. I finished my ENTIRE Venti Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino sitting at a table by myself while he talked on his cell outside. Mind you, if I had a way to leave I would have, but he drove us to Starbucks AND I take the train to school, so I had no means of transportation to save me from this date disaster.

Finally he returned, only to say, "Sorry, it was work. I have to go. Can I drive you back to the train station?" YES. PLEASE, YES. So he did, and we said goodbye.

Let's recap the date: I waited for an hour on campus for him to even show up. Then I stood in front of Pizza My Heart looking like an idiot, raising my arms in the air and spinning around in circles for someone who was down the block sitting in his car. The only conversation we actually had was on the way to Starbucks and once we got there he spent another hour outside on his phone while I sipped my drink by myself next to a homeless man collecting abandoned newspapers from other tables.

There you have it, my first bad date and worst one thus far.